Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 12/22/2006

Question
This is hard for me to ask. but here goes.  I have seen this guy for about a month but not steady, maybe all together 6 times and the only thing we seem to have in common is sex(although for me is not very pleasing) I have not been able to get him out of my mind . I have tried to, and I have thought about what it is that I find attractive about him ..I come up with nothing. absolutly nothing. A couple of weeks ago I called him about 4 times with no return phone call so I left him a message saying that "Im sorry I guess Im slow but I finally get the hint I wont bother you anymore" hung up  
He called me two days later, there was alot of silence but he finally said he wanted to see me,  I said ok.  then the next day and for svaeral days after, it was back to him not answering my calls, he calls me whenever...maybe once a week, but I want to talk to him everyday , he does not know exactly what I am going through.  I have told him that he just drives me crazy and I cant get him off my mind, he dosent say anything.  He did finally open up to me last week and told me alot has been going on and went into some detail about it..thats all fine but all Im doing is calling him wanting to say hi, only one time I have asked to see him, besides that one time I never push or ask to see him, why cant he pick up the phone and say hi.
I left him another message yesterday saying
" how did I know you wouldnt answer your phone? oh I did cause you knew it was me, I just wanted to see how your trip was and to say hi, talk to you later bye" yeah probley not the best thing to say but Im going crazy!  know I want to call him and tell him Goodbye for good....????
PLEASE HELP ME!

Answer
Uh oh

You've hooked into something that's really addictive.  Not sure anyone understands exactly why - something about "partial reinforcement."  When training lab animals, you know, if the mouse (that's you in this case) always get a "no" they learn immediately - "Nothing here for me, I'm outa here."  

If they get a "yes" every time, they learn immediately - "This is cool, I'm sticking around."

BUT ... BUT ... BUT ... you know they train those animals to press a lever to get food.  If they get no food the first click, then a pellet the second time, they will go on and press 100 times without getting a pellet, just hoping against hope they'll get a pellet again some day.

Get the picture?

Another way to explain it -- he's what we call "abivalent."  He wants it but he doesn't - a full relationship I mean.  Or maybe he just wants sex.  At any rate, this is the kind of man that won't commmit.  And you need to understand this:  it means he won't commit to a "yes" and really get into a relationship but it also means he won't commit to a "no" and end the relationship.  Typically you will not believe me when I say this, and you'll keep at it, because of the partial reinforcement.

My advice to you is get out now, and you're going to have to do it yourself  

But you won't.  You'll continue, because this is very enticing to most women.  

So get back to me in a week or a month from now, when he's still doing the same thing, and you're "sick and tired of being sick and tired of it."  

I'll tell you to get out, and then you'll probably try once more.

Call me again when this time you really MEAN IT, that you're getting out.

Oh my.

I coach a lot of women that are still learning about this one.  They keep hoping, keep believing, keep trying.  Subsisting on crumbs that get thrown their way just enough to keep them hoping for more.  

Keep your eyes open as you go along on this one, and learn the signs of the kind of relationship that isn't just a total waste of your time, it's crazy-making.

I mean didn't you just tell me "I'm going crazy"?

Good luck!
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc