Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 4/10/2007

Question
Dear Ms. Dunn,

I have been told by many people that sometimes when men (especially men who are either young or inexperienced) first fall in love with a woman, especially those who fall madly in love, they do not know how to handle it and often they take off running. Such as everything is going great, they fall in love with her and it scares them, so they break up with the girl and bolt for the nearest exit. What can you tell me about this?

Is this just garbage or is there some truth to this? Are these men truly afraid? And what is it, they just don't want to be tied down to one woman? Hurt in the past, I'm curious. I mean, I always thought when a man loves a woman he will want to stay with her more, but now I'm not so sure.

Answer
The only thing worse than having a man run from you, is having one come straight at it.  "Love" is scary to anyone who has any sense!  Better looked at as excitment, of course, and a good thing, but for a thinking person, especially, it's a zinger!

Yes, they get scared off.  They say (and I think you can see the truth in this), that men are biologically programmed to want any and all woman.  Therefore, to be tied down to one is going against the grain.  That's why it's important how we raise our sons!

Also marriage is very demanding actually.  Not only do they have to give up their "freedom," but they must provide, have kids, work, work, and forever.

Why women are more prone to it?  We are programmed to want the man who gives us the baby to stick around for at least 2 years to bring us food for ourselves and the baby.  Theoretically, we can only have one baby every year or two, and man can theoretically make one several times a night.  Yes?

That's the biological basis.  

But when a man does fall in love and finds the woman he can't live without, he marries her.  And many are faithful to the end, and it is true love.  Don't worry too much about the ones who run ... let them run.  There are guys who, while they never seem to want "marriage" the way women do, will marry the woman they fall in love with.

Men who are divorced, hurt, are really ambivalent.  Everyone wants to be loved and to love ... some are afraid of it - burned in the past, and it's very painful -- or don't know how.  Many reasons.  

To avoid the losers in this game, if you want marriage, you have to make it a prerequisite for dating you, and most especially for sleeping with you.  This is one of the ways that you slow it down, so he doesn't get paniced over the escalating feelings.  

That's just a little primer.  

I think "first love," usually that goes well, because you're all full of great expectations.  Once you've had your heart broken, you have to think twice - that's the normal thing to do.  I know some really happy couples who met at 14 and never dated another person.  What a stroke of luck!  But once you've dated around which is generally a good idea, you run into all types, and then you have those memories, so you're a bit more suspicious.

But love is love, and when they love, if they're a good guy, they hang on to their hats and go for it!

You should know about "stringers".  They like the sex and even romance, but there is something in them where they are really terrified of making a committment.  You don't need to know why - there are different reasons - you just need to know how to recognize them.

Basically speaking, if he wants to run, tell him not to let the door hit him on the way out.  That will either get rid of him, or get rid of the game, and either way, you're better off.  

I hope you find one!

Best,
Susan