Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 11/7/2007

Question
Hi Susan I'm hoping you will have some words of wisdom!  I met a man this summer and we dated a few times.  He is about a year out of a 6 year relationship in which he got very hurt.  We kissed one evening in September and he freaked out and said he wanted to go back to the way things were before we kissed.  He said he needed to take "baby steps".  In my mind I think I understand he is healing and dealing with the baggage.  But, I got scared that I would get hurt and said that we should be just friends.  He agreed.  We haven't seen eachother in about a month - he was travelling and I was just holding back.  I almost thought I wouldn't hear from him again but he has popped back up.  He texted me Sat night, called me Sunday night and suggested we go out for dinner this week, emailed me Mon and Tues.  He didn't say when we would go to dinner and it is Wed.  He was talking about going somewhere nice. I am trying to figure out if he may be ready to move forward a bit or if this is all still in friendship mode.  I think I may have to learn to be happy with friendship. Nevertheless, based on your experience I am wondering if you think we might have any hope for a future together?  I guess lots of relationships start out as friendships.

Answer
Dear Nancy,
Yes, relationships do start out as friendships, but not in this sort of way - where they begin with other things in mind and then step back to this.  It is difficult to tell with this one, because I think he does have a lot of fears to work through.  When he did that, then it got you thinking of fears and worrying about being hurt.  This sets up a rollercoaster sort of thing where one comes forward and the other steps back, then vice versa.  It is frustrating.  Notice that he came forward to ask you out, but then there has been nothing forthcoming.  

From my experience, it doesn't look very promising.  Right now, even if it were a "friendship," you don't have much. Everybody's too timid about it.  You are getting an idea here of how it's going to be, so I wouldn't get your hopes up.

All the best,
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc