Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 11/5/2007

Question
QUESTION: Hi, I need you help.
I am 21 years old have been seeing this guy who is 25 years old, from my son's barbershop for about 6 months now. We always gave indirect flirting signals to each other. Well finally on my birthday (september), we ran into each other at a club, and he approached me. Even though I knew alot of things about him because he is the first cousin of my bestfriend's son's father. This is the first real interaction we had. I was drunk and it was my 21st birthday, so I made the mistake of sleeping with him. I know it goes again my better judgement but I wanted it to. Well anyway, we have continued this sexual relationship (4 times). Well, I really like him, he has good characteristics and also alot of childish ones. he seems very jealous, sometimes referring to me having another boyfriend or something. Well I am now ready to see him outside of the bedroom. I hinted about this before, but he didn't really respond. And I am serious. I will not continue with this unless it involves going out sometimes. I mean we have never actually been on a real date Ex. movies or restaurant. He does act like he likes me sometimes. Everytime he comes over, he always spends the night. But i am just not sure.  I want to know how can I bring this up to his attention without sounding desperate or too demanding. I want to let him know that I won't continue having sex with him unless this progresses. However I don't want to scare him off. I want to build the attraction. because I have noticed lately that he has been blowing me off, more than usual. He always says that he has been soo busy though.

Please help me with how I should discuss this, so that he will respect me and want more with me than just sex. Even though I know that its my fact because I started it that way..


Thanks

ANSWER: Hello Courtney!

What makes you think that movies and going out to dinner aren't real dates? I mean, what does it take to make a date in your mind? Flowers, a tux and evening gown and a limo? Just hanging out together talking is a date. You can't just sit at dinner stone-faced, there must be some interraction somewhere!

I'm also concerned that you're planning on turning off the sex if you don't get what you want; especially without even knowing what that is! Are you trying to use sex as a bargaining chip here? It sure seems that way and I'd caution you against doing that. Sex is it's own benefit for the both of you and stands on it's own merit. Don't use it or withhold it to get what you want - EVER.

It's very possible that this guy just doesn't know how to "date"; or at least what you mean by a "date". I suggest you start letting him know through the powers of suggestion. For instance, if you see something in the paper or somewhere else that tells you an event is coming up; simply suggest that you'd like to go to that event with him. Let him step up to the plate and plan it out, but that's a good first step.

Even this might not get him off the fence however. Maybe he'll need a little proding and if you've been close with him for a month or two it's probably reasonable to now move things forward. By now, you should be meeting his friends and he yours. You should be thinking about the up-coming holidays and what you're going to do about them, etc.

The point is that there's obviously something you're missing here, but it also appears you're not sure what that is. If your only interraction with him was late nights when he comes over just for sex - and leaves, that would be one thing. However, that's not what's going on here. Help him out a little and I'll bet you'll start seeing the benefits - and the things you want. Just don't try to move too fast - let them happen at their own pace.

Oh, and have a great sex life along the way!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I think you mis understood me. I mean we haven't went to a dinner or a movie. That would be great. However he hasn't asked to go to either. I suggested that we go to the movies and he asked "are you going to pay for it'? I mean the only real interaction we've had is slight conversation on the phone, and sex. i definitely don't want to withhold sex from him, because its great. but I want more now. Its kind of my fault because I started it with sex. But I don't want it to be just that. I am figuring a way to talk to him about that; because I really like him. But I gave him the wrong impression and I take full responsibilty for that. He has been blowing me off alot lately, so i don't know if I should ever call again. Because I really don't think he is going to call me. The last time I spoke with him was Saturday, when he asked me to come to his hotel room. can u help me with this?

Answer
Hello again Courtney!

Yes, you're right - I misunderstood, and no, it's not your fault because you started with sex. For some people, that's the key in the door. Fine - whatever. The point now is to turn it into something more.

What you need to do is to get busy. Instead of being available to him whenever he wants to bang it out, you need to have other things going on. For instance, if he only calls you late at night then don't answer the phone! If he calls you earlier in the day, suggest that he meets you somewhere that you're already going to be.

There's nothing wrong with calling him up either and suggesting a date. When you ask him out, it's your job to make the plans - and yes, to pay for it too - but it doesn't have to be a big deal. Why not suggest that he meets you on Saturday afternoon for a picnic? This way you and he can sit and have a conversation, take a walk, whatever. If you wind up back at home in bed again, great, but this will get your date started.

What you want to do is to start tying in the social aspect with the sexual aspect. If he continues to put on the breaks, you're going to know pretty soon what his real intentions are and you can decide what you want to do accordingly.

This is also a good time to start getting some additional action going with some other guys. If he comes to realize he's got competition, he's likely to want to work a little harder.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"