Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 11/5/2007

Question
Hi, I need you help.
I am 21 years old have been seeing this guy who is 25 years old, from my son's barbershop for about 6 months now. We always gave indirect flirting signals to each other. Well finally on my birthday (september), we ran into each other at a club, and he approached me. Even though I knew alot of things about him because he is the first cousin of my bestfriend's son's father. This is the first real interaction we had. I was drunk and it was my 21st birthday, so I made the mistake of sleeping with him. I know it goes again my better judgement but I wanted it to. Well anyway, we have continued this sexual relationship (4 times). Well, I really like him, he has good characteristics and also alot of childish ones. he seems very jealous, sometimes referring to me having another boyfriend or something. Well I am now ready to see him outside of the bedroom. I hinted about this before, but he didn't really respond. And I am serious. I will not continue with this unless it involves going out sometimes. I mean we have never actually been on a real date Ex. movies or restaurant. He does act like he likes me sometimes. Everytime he comes over, he always spends the night. But i am just not sure.  I want to know how can I bring this up to his attention without sounding desperate or too demanding. I want to let him know that I won't continue having sex with him unless this progresses. However I don't want to scare him off. I want to build the attraction. because I have noticed lately that he has been blowing me off, more than usual. He always says that he has been soo busy though.

Please help me with how I should discuss this, so that he will respect me and want more with me than just sex. Even though I know that its my fact because I started it that way.. and do u think that he likes me for something more?


Thanks

Answer
Dear Courtney,

What on earth were you thinking?  Well, obviously, as you say, you were NOT thinking.  

You start off sleeping with him when you're drunk and then want him to respect you?  You can see that he is "jealous" of other boyfriends - once you start off that way, a man puts in that category, and will always suspect that you do that with every man - get drunk and sleep with them on the first meeting.

It isn't that you'll sound desperate and demanding when you bring it up, I would think what he would do is laugh.  I hate to have to put it that way.  I think this is going to be a "lesson" for you, of the kind that we don't like to have.    

How you could bring it up to him, would be the way that you mention.  Ask for a fresh start.  That's about the best you can hope for, but I wouldn't be too hopeful. It is nearly impossible when you start out this way.  Why would he ever think otherwise?  It's a hard lesson to learn.  How can you build "attraction" from there?  You gave away the cow with the milk.  

Assuming that you want to have a real relationship with a man, you simply cannot begin it that way and hope to change it afterwards.   

I hope that you will learn from this, and rethink your behavior.  In doing that, you present yourself in a most unfavorable light, which I'm sure you realize by now.  
 
Next time stop with " know it goes again my better judgement" because "I wanted to" will not get you what you want in the long run.

Warm regards,
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc