Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 12/21/2007

Question
Hi Dr. Neder,

Some people have trouble finding the man of their dreams, but I am one of the lucky few that know exactly who he is! He is one of my good friend's younger brother, and in high school, I did secretly want to date him but like a lot of teenagers my age I was too insecure to date ANYONE. I must say we were never very close, just chatted once in a while, but I saw that he was a really good guy and was going to make something of himself one day.

Anyways, it has been close to six years since then and he went off to college and really made a name for himself. He's a major big shot now with tons of friends and a lot of girls after him! I ended up going to college out of state and am in and out of touch with him, usually through instant messenger programs. I love it when we get the chance to chit chat, but I'm a little confused as to what I should do. I don't want to scare him if I outright tell him because we have MANY mutual friends (including his sister!) that would make the situation awkward and uncomfortable if he doesn't feel the same way. But I don't know what to do without looking clingy, desperate, or even a little creepy.

Answer
Hello Amina!

The one thing you didn't mention is whether you and he are local enough to have a relationship in the first place. Let me assure you of this: Long-distance relationships never work out! That's the very first consideration and if you aren't within a few zip codes of each other, you need to rethink this.

As well, you're experiencing what I tell guys not to do all the time. We call it "one-itis". It's the singular focus on just one person to the exclusion of all others. Let's face it Amina, you don't really know this guy on the inside. What you think you know is mostly all speculation! Until you've actually dated him, you can't know these things and thus, believing that he's the "...man of your dreams..." is itself, a dream.

Here's the reality: you can have anything in your life that you want, but not always the specific thing - or person - that you want. I'm not trying to dissuade you from moving things forward with him, but I want you to see the reality of it all.

Using technology to further a relationship is like using a cotton swab to wash a car. By the time you get anywhere, you have to go back to the beginning and start all over. I suggest you avoid this by going right for what you want.

In order to get anywhere with him, you're going to have to actually get some face time with him. This is yet another reason why it's so important to be local enough to date. If this is the case, then read on.

I suggest that you invite him out for a drink. Just because he hasn't invited you doesn't mean much. Many guys just don't know how to do that - even if they are successful in other areas! Someone has to get this moving and if he's not, it falls on you.

If you need a reason, just tell him you want to catch up and see what's been going on with each other. That's his chance to make a move if he's going to do it. Trust me on this one: it's not much fun (nor effective) to send a kiss through a text message.

When you and he actually meet, this is where you want to turn on the charm. Build attraction in him through what you wear and through your body language. Don't be afraid to touch him either. This is a very direct, clear signal and again, many guys are just clueless about how to move any of this forward. Believe me - I talk to them everyday.

One last point: don't be afraid of this coming off as too forward or creepy. This is an advantage that women have over men when they approach. Women can use these tools very effectively and it's just seems perfectly normal. Guys don't have the same luxury, so take advantage of them!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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Remington Publications
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