Expert: Rhapsody Love - 7/14/2007

Question
THE MAN THAT I LOVE IS ALSO MY BEST FRIEND WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS SINCE 8TH GRADE THE MOMENT THAT I MET HIM SOMETHING IN MY HEAD HAS SAID THAT HE IS GOING TO BE MY HUSBAND!! WE GRADUATED FROM SCHOOL IN 2004 AND HE GOT MARRIED TO A GIRL THAT TREATED HIM LIKE SHIT.. WE USED TO DO EVERYTHING TOGETHER. WELL I MOVED TO VIRGINA HE WENT INTO THE MILITARY AND GOT STATIONED IN VIRGINA MARRIED THE GIRL AND SHE CHEATED LEFT HIM AND NOW HES ALL MESSED UP INSIDE HE HD TOOK THIS GIRL BACK SO MANY TIME DURING SCHOOL AND ETC BUT NOW HE DOESNT WANT HER. SHE MADE HIM STOP TALKING TO ME FOR THE LENGTH OF TIME THAT THEY WERE TOGETHER AND THEN ONE DAY I CALL HIM TO MAKE SURE THAT HE IS OK B/C I GOT A CALL FROM HIS SISTER SAYING THAT SHE WAS GOING OVER TO IRAQ WELL WE TALKED AND FROM THEN THINGS STARTED CHANGING. HE STARTED CALLING ME AND WANTING ME TO COME AND STAY WITH HIM I EVENTUALLY MOVED IN WE NOW LIVE TOGETHER HE COMPLETELY STOP TALKING TO OTHER GIRLS ALL TOGETHER HE STARTED LEAVING ME HIS PHONE AND SUCH AND HE WOULD TAKE MY PHONE I FELL BACK IN LOVE WITH THIS MAN AND I WILL ALWAYS LOVE HIM BUT I ASKED HIM WOULD HE BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME AND SAID THAT RIGHT NOW HE COULDNT DO IT B/C HES REALLY BEEN HURT LIKE I SAID BEFORE I LOVE THIS MAN SOMETIMES HE ACTS LIKE HE WANTS TO BE WITH ME AND THEN SOMETIMES HE ACTS LIKE HE DOESNT I WANT TO BE THERE. I ALSO WANT HIM TO BE MY HUSBAND SO I WAS THINKING ABOUT PURPOSING TO HIM WHAT SHOULD I DO??????

Answer
Angela,

Best friends talk to each other. Usually when someone is hurt they need time to heal and time to learn to trust someone else again. Talking together will not keep him from healing, though he might think that. There are a lot of ways to get the information you need from him without directly asking about your relationship, but sometimes direct communication is the best way - you need to judge. One way is to inquire about what he wants for his future and to communicate about what you want for your future and see how your two dreams can intertwine.

There are a few questions about this relationship that come to my mind (not for you to answer to me, but to answer to yourself if you don't already know the answer, but maybe you do & just didn't indicate it to me). Why did he choose her in the first place and not you? Was there a problem with your relationship? Could that problem still exist? Did he learn something from that relationship that will make him a better person and appreciate what you have to offer him in a new and different relationsip? How can he believe that a relationship with you would be more trustworthy than the relationship with her? If he doesn't see it now, how could you help him to see that? How can you be a good friend to him, but also let him know you have needs and that the friendship needs to be give and take? What fears might he have in a romantic relationship with you? (Men tend not to admit to fear so you may have to figure this out indirectly.) How could you help rid him of those fears?

Keep reminding him about the benefits of his relationship with you by continuing the communication and continuing to be someone he would like to be with. I hope this helps. Good luck!

- Joyce

(For future posts, please don't use all caps, it's like shouting.)