Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 7/5/2007

Question
I have a confusing situation I was hoping you could help me out with.

It is a long letter and confusing. But PLEASE bear with me on this one.

I was dating this guy and everything seemed to be going great. He was really nice, kind, gentle, sweet, and never pushed me to have sex. We did get pretty intimate though, such as we would sleep in the same bed and we would take showers together.

There was this girl we'll call R stalking him, and so once I complained that she was hitting on my boyfriend all the time, and all these people (who were all his friends too) went up to her and told her everything I had said about her. Great. Just great. She and all of her friends and some of my boyfriend's friends (who were friends with her) went up to my boyfriend and was like, 'why is your girlfriend going around talking about me. Tell your girlfriend to quit it. Maybe you should think twice about dating a girl like that'

A couple nights later I spent the night with him and we stayed up all night kissing. A few days later he came up to me in a really nasty voice and said 'I actually got some sleep last night when you weren't around.' A few days after he that he broke up with me saying he needed to focus on school. A few days after that he was secretly dating another girl we'll call C, and turns out he had been cheating on me with her and having sex with her in secret the entire time we were dating. No one knew about this though, they were very discreet.

At the time I didn't know about the other girl. So I was racking my brains thinking of what could have caused the breakup when we seemed to have it so good.

The girl R came up to me and started yelling 'Are you nuts? You're going around spreading rumors about me? That's why your boyfriend isn't talking to you anymore.'

The day after he broke up with me, my ex put up on his online profile that he was dating another girl we'll call S as a prank. So I was very upset thinking he was dating another girl already. R told me that S put that up as a joke since I had been spreading rumors about R, she wanted to play a joke on me to get back at me for talking trash about her friend R.

My ex sent me an apology saying he wasn't dating S, it was just a joke, that he was terribly sorry if he hurt me and if I would go to dinner with him. I refused.

A couple weeks later I was talking to his friends and I mentioned my ex's name saying I didn't know why he broke up with me...and they all quickly changed the subject.

A bunch of times my ex contacted me wanting me to hang out with him, get dinner with him, whenever I walked by he would pat the seat next to him and pull me close, saying hey sit here, trying to pull me into his lap. After that I found out about the other girl C.

So of course I never wanted to talk to him again, whenever I ran into him he would hug me and he almost ended up kissing me a bunch of times but he stopped himself and I always pulled away.

He has been writing me messages, saying he misses me very much and he is always pulling me close and trying to hold me and kiss me... but I always leave.

Ok....after all this...what the hell is going on. Why did he break up with me...for the other woman...or his friends told him to...or just too much drama.

Do you think his friends knew about the other girl...actually the other girl has a boyfriend so she is cheating on her boyfriend with him...so they are in secret and no one knows, so actually i dont think his friends knew about her.

And why, if he is with her now, is he sending me all these messages saying how much he loves me and misses me? Why does he keep stopping himself from kissing me when he sees me?

Do you think maybe he regrets what happened, for dumping me so brashly, and then when he got with that other girl, she wasn't all that great, so he realizes what he lost?

Please tell me what's going on. I am trying to remove myself from this entire situation and not associate with any of these people ever again...but either way I want to know so that I can avoid situations like this in the future.

Answer
Dear Ana,

Yes a messy situation.  Now go back over it and identify when you got "bad vibes."  Fot starters - why the sleeping in the same bed and showers together.  No!  Next, the minute you find some girl is "stalking him", time to get out.  Another clue - when someone does this get out:  A few days later he came up to me in a really nasty voice and said 'I actually got some sleep last night when you weren't around.'  Do not rationalize it, do not try and figure it out, just get away.  

What's going on?  I have no idea, except these don't sound like nice people, as you say, or people that you want to be hanging out with.  Avoiding situations like that?  Learn to pick up early on when it stinks and get out.  If it clears up, if the boy changes and behaves nicely, that's a different story.  This may well be true:  "Do you think maybe he regrets what happened, for dumping me so brashly, and then when he got with that other girl, she wasn't all that great, so he realizes what he lost?" -- but SO WHAT, and I want you to heat that.  Do not fantasize about it, or get your hopes up, or he'll keep you emotionally strung along.  Be glad it's over - and you should realise "it" wasn't really anything to begin with.  Don't go spend the night with someone, or take showers with them, until way into a relationship that you know is working (or even then), and watch for the signs early on.  We learn by going back over disasters like this.  You aren't alone!  WHen you have that "what on earth happened?" feeling, go back over it and pick out the places where you should have known, and did not, or ignored your better judgment.  That's how we learn.  

Good luck!
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc