Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 5/25/2007

Question
My husband passed away 3 months ago. I have been very lonely for companionship, so I placed a inet personal. within a couple weeks I met a guy who lives in the area. We talked, then met and have been hanging out and become very good friends. The issue that I am facing is that he is not to long out of a very bad marriage. He has not much respect or trust for women. I have not witnessed this personally, but this is what he says. He swears that he does not want a dating relationship and that he will never remarry. I am not ready to jump right into dating either since I just lost my husband. But I am open to anything. People who see us together think we are dating. He calls constantly... and plans stuff for us to do regularly.... but then makes it clear we are not dating.
After about a month of this, we have now slept together. Which is very much uncharacteristic of me. He has told me that he is shy... he is and so am I. But he is also very compassionate and flirtatious. I am getting very mixed signals... this relationship is still not dating but he has told me that if he decides to go out with someone else he would tell me first. This is the deal... I want him to love me, and I want to fall in love with him. What can I do to make this a real committed relationship.  

Answer
Then stop right now.  

Pay attention!  He has told you he is not dating you and not interested in marriage.  This sets the terms of any relating in his ballpark, and gives him permission to enjoy himself (which clearly he is) carte blanche. without any responsibility.  Men are quite capable of being utterly charming, and very good company, and acting for all the world like something lasting will come of the relations -- including great intimacy -- without "falling in love."  You, probably, are not.  You already have the desire for more with this man.  It will escalate.    

If you want love and a committed relationship state so, and tell him to get back to you when he has that in mind. Then cut him off completely.  Let him take his lack of respect and trust for women elsewhere, along with his (no doubt) endearing ways.  

It's just that simple.

If you continue, you have tactitly accepted his "terms," and it will not change.  The "tacit" is very important.  You have gone along with it, so you have consented to it.  You will dig yourself in deeper and your feelings will deepen and it will just get harder.  

Set it straight right now and then be firm.  

Good luck,
Susan