Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 1/7/2007

Question
Hi,

Thankyou for you answer to this question.  It was most insightful.  I wanted to update you on what has happened since then.  Maybe you could shed some more light.

This gentleman, whose name is Jesse, has exchanged emails with me over the last few weeks.  He has asked me twice over an email for my phone number.  I have not sent it to him.  Did you mean I should wait for him to come into my restaurant and make him ask me directly?  I don't want to show him that I'm not interested by not responding to him.  I just wanted to see what he would do.  He has asked be twice for my number so he can talk to me.  I am assuming he wants to actually ask me out.  I 'm not sure what to do.  He has stated he does not want to call me at my business.  Not sure if he is just afraid or if he wants to be respectful.  I am thing it is the latter, as he is a gentleman.  He emailed me fairly recently and FINALLY commented on a beautiful picture I sent him of myself.  Before he just thanked me for the picture.  He has never complimented me on my beauty which I thought was very different.  It had me confused.  He wrote to me and said, " I really like this picture of you in front of the vineyard in Italy.  You are truly beautiful!  I mean this sincerely."  This is what he wrote.   I didn't know what to feel now that he finally complimented me.    I'm must so confused.  For over a year I expressed interest in him, and he seemed so different, not falling for my beauty.  Now it seems I am finally winning him over.  I am seeing a very soft side to him that I have never seen.  Should I take this as weakness?  Or is he really now starting to fall for me and like me for WHO I am?  What if he comes into my restaurant again?  Should I mention the emails he sent but did not answer?  

Can you help me again?

Alessandra

Answer
Dear Alessandra,

You can give him your phone number now ... unless there's some compelling reason not to.  He's seen you in public, been to your restaurant, doesn't seem anything funny going on there.

If you have a problem of losing interest in men once they express true interest in you, then you have a real problem, and need to work on your emotional intelligence. If you consider vulnerability a "weakness," same goes.   This is not only cruel to men, it is a formula for real unhappiness in your own life.  If you are only in it to taunt, then you should spare men from this, and I mean this sincerely.  You need to do some work on yourself. All this has remedy, but you have to get real with yourself first.

I am confused by what you write.  This is an odd thing to say:  "I didn't know what to feel now that he finally complimented me."  A compliment warrants a "thank you" and makes someone feel good.  If you are suspicious, it is likely suspicion about your own feelings and motive.   This indicates a need to work on your emotional intelligence.  You need to know what you feel, what you want and why.  Period. Authenticity.  Ask me for the name of an EQ coach.

Now, when he comes to your restaurant again, as long as you are so "confused," I don't know what to recommend, and I kind of feel sorry for Jesse.  I can't even figure out what you want.  You are double-thinking him, I think because you can't figure out yourself.  I can't either.  If you want to express interest in a man and have him ignore you and not fall for your beauty, and then get confused when he does admire your beauty and take it for a weakness, good grief. Leave the man alone.  You can't separate what you look like from who you are - unless you are faking it, either way.  Do you think that being beautiful warrants something in particular?  I think you may be over-rated it.  Most emotionally intelligent mean know that it is "scenery".  Only.  Most of us look for inner qualities in others, and work on them within ourselves, regardless of how we look on the outside.  "Beauty is only skin deep."  

I would question whether you are emotionally available for a relationship and I challenge you to to ponder this in your heart.  

In answer to your questions, when he comes into the restaurant again, you need to have your act together, internally, in term of your own feelings.  Then they will guide you.  The normal course of action would be to give him your phone number.  Again, I do not understand why you haven't.  I can only go on what you're saying, but it seems to me he is proceeding in a gentlemanly fashion, requesting your phone number.  Perhaps because you live in a big town, you are concerned about your safety, and that always needs to be attended to, but you know the drill -- like I said, he's been in the restaurant, so is "known."  Meet in a public place, drive there yourself, keep it short and sweet (one hour for drinks is fine), and call someone beforehand to tell them whom you are meeting and where you will be.  You might even pick up your cell phone before you settle in for the drink, make a fake call saying, "I'm at XXX and will call you later."  

Is there some reason you don't want to give it your phone number to him?  Please elaborate.

Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc