Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 12/28/2006

Question
Hi. I'm hoping you can shed some light on this issue in my life.  I am a very successful business owner. I own a very upscale Restaurant/Wine Bar in a major metropolitan city. I am divorced and have been for about 5 years. I am well educated, very capable in my trade, well travelled and somewhat of a celebrity in my local area. I have appeared in several talk shows as a guest speaker on wine and various culinary topics. I know I am bragging now, but I have no problems attracting men at all. Men compliment me on my beauty everyday.  I am from a Latin American country though educated in the U.S. since an early age.  So, I actually have a distinctive accent that men just find "adorable" to put it in their words. Men approach me many times a day. It is cute and I do like the attention but.......Sometimes, I hate to admit it, I just don't have enough time to stop and talk to every single man who approaches me.  As a result I may sometimes come across as a snob or a bitch.  The truth is I am a very sincere and genuine hearted person. I am loyal to my friends and family. I am very good to my employees and they express their appreciation of me.  Anyway...... I just haven't found the right man yet....the man who can make me feel "it".....a powerful sense of attraction and connection that I have longed for since I was a young girl. When I was married in my early twenties, I did experience wonderful times with my American Born husband......who happens to also be a very successful business owner. I thought I was in love with him.  He was and is a very industrious person who is very proud of his accomplishments, which have been recognized all over the world. We divorced because I was not attracted to him anymore.  I didn't feel "it", that special something that I truly and desperately want to feel. I remained faithful to him and, as far as I know, he was faithful to me.  Still, we divorced and went our separate ways.  We are still friends to this day and see each other several times a week as our businesses are very close to surprises.....practically "next door".  I enjoy a casual dating life.  I have dated very handsome and successful and wealthy gentleman from all over the country and some from abroad.  I have even dated a few professional athletes, though they were all much younger than me. To make a long story short, I still am searching for the right man to come along and make me feel this feeling that I so much want to feel. Though I have met many interesting and exciting men and have had a few short term relationships, this feeling still evades me.  I guess I am just too picky.  I don't know.....sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find this man.  Sometimes I jokingly say I would marry my gardner, if he was the kind of man who could make me feel this marvelous sense of attraction!  LOL!!!  THe point is, if a man can make me feel this way, it doesn't matter to me if he is "well off" or not.  I just want to feel this feeling.....I know I sound like a broken record saying this.  Well, here is the point of my story...finally.....
About a year and a half ago, I met a man.  He came in as a patron of my restaurant and wine bar.  I noticed he was very handsome and Latin like myself.  He is not classically handsome, being somewhat shorter than me.  He has short dark hair that is always perfectly groomed, a medium olive complexion like mine; he has a very strong build and the lovliest hands I have ever seen on a man! I guess if I saw him in street clothes, I wouldn't look twice, but this particular gentleman is ALWAYS impeccably dressed.  I have never known or seen such a well dressed man....so to speak.  Anyway...when I saw him sitting at the bar, I approached HIM and we started to talk.  He was wearing a black suit, a lovely grey dress shirt, and a beautiful black and silverish grey tie....and beautiful shoes!  He was sitting with his arms resting over the bar stools to each side of him.  Actually, I have noticed he likes sitting this way often.  He was very relaxed and seemed so comfortable with himself.  I noticed immediately his strong and wonderful eye contact.  I felt as if he was searching into my soul.  He is the only man I have ever met who didn't seem phased by my beauty.....I feel so awkward saying this!!   He is somewhat of a "smartass" and I never know what he is going to say next.  He's a little quiet, he keeps to himself, and every now and then he'll tease me mercilessly and he'll flirt with the other waitresses and my bartenders, which they all agree with me that he is very handsome, always the best dressed man in the room, and is most MYSTERIOUS.  I just like this about him. At first I tried showing my interest, besides approaching him the first time, saying hello to him whenever he would come in, and even touching him on the arm or shoulder or even hugging him and kissing him on the cheek.  I have been in many conversations with him as many times he comes in on Tuesday afternoons or evenings while I happen to be there taking care of business. What happens is he comes in and sits at the bar and eats something healthy or has a glass of wine. I usually sit at the end of the bar with my laptop and conduct business from that spot.  We have often sat next to each other, and this is when we have enjoyed wonderful conversations.  A few times though, he has really irritated me by saying literally anything he wants to me!  He is very bold and direct in his speech.  Sometimes I never know if he is joking or if hes serious....and it drives me crazy....I feel a sort of tension whenever he is around.  But it is so attractive!!  Though he is quiet, he is very social and can talk with practically anyone about anything. I found out he has a very normal job, working for the government in the aviation field....nothing really that special.  He is not wealthy, but I seem to think he has his life together and is happy with himself.  He reads alot as I have seen him do this, he is very health conscious, is very intelligent, and he knows so much about many different things.  He even knows about my home country and about the city where I was born. He just suprises me so much sometimes......and he is what would be known as an "ordinary" man.  But there is nothing ordinary about him.  On several occasions he has touched me on my arm, my shoulder, and around my waist softly.....and it sends chills up my spine!! His eye contact is wonderful!  Anyway.....he is a regular customer, and has been for about a year and a half.  I found out he is divorced of about two years, he loves his job and can speak spanish as well as a few other languages.  He is a former Marine Officer...I think I remember him saying that.  He comes into my restaurant always alone and impecccably dressed. He has even come in looking absolutely HOT in blue jeans, biker boots and a white t-shirt, and "bad boy" sunglasses! LOL I have learned by talking to him that my restaurant is his favorite place to "hang out" and relax all by himself. He has said that he has chosen never to bring dates here with him or try and meet women there, though he harmlessly flirts with me and with female staff who work for me.  My male staff respect him greatly as they have had great conversations with him, so I have noticed. He just seems so comortable with himself and is obviously happy alone and single.  I don't know what his dating situation is, but I'm sure he dates many women.  He has casually mentioned dating before though I try never to persist too much on this subject. I just find myself more and more attracted to him as time passes.  One time I even jokingly asked if I could go with him to an event he had planed with some friends of his that he mentioned to me.  He told me flat out "no"!!  I coulnd't believe it!  No man has ever turned ME down for a date or turned down an opportunity to go out with me!  I know he is attracted to me and likes me, though he has never complimented me on my beauty like all the other men I have known.  Instead he has complimented me on things such as my sincerity, my kindness, sense of humor, and my knowledge of the arts and music.  I find him particularly different and interesting and attractive because of this!  All throughout this time he has never asked me out.  I think it's because he doesn't feel he should date women who work at places where he likes to "relax" and be alone.  Recently, we met again at my restaurant.  Again he was impeccably dressed.  AFter a wonderful conversation, he asked me for my email.  I gave it to him and we have exchanged a few emails over the last three weeks, though we have both been busy with the holidays and work. We have even exchanged pictures of each other.  He has told me that I have recently become very interesting to him; important to him.  I must admit, he has learned much more about me as I have shared this with him during our lovely and at times invigorating conversations.  He is so bold and direct and he doesn't seem to care what I or others think of him. Honestly, this is refreshing considering all men have practically bent over backwards for me all of my life. In one of my emails to him I told him that I would love to get together with him sometime and that he should let me know when.  He responded and said he would like to talk to me about this and that whe should "exchange contact information".  Basically, I took this as him wanting my personal phone number.  He said that he did not want to call me at my business but didn't explain why not. I'm sure he wants to be respectful of my business, but I'm not exactly sure how to take this. I didn't send him my cell phone number after all.  I'm just not sure what to do now.  He is so mysterious, and sexy, and bold, and so strong.......and yet I have seen small glimpses of sincerity and sweetness; kindness that is so wonderful.  I really like him so much!! I have decided to wait until after the New Year and see what he does.  What do YOU think?  Should I give him my number, or do you think that will make me appear needy?  I sense that I have started to "win him over" now after over a year and a half of just being wonderfully "connected" aquaintances....I know that sounds strange.  I sense that he likes me now for reasons other than my looks; he likes me for ME.......a truly wonderful sensation!!  Do you think I should play "hard to get" with him now after "driving me crazy" with attraction for so long?  What do I do?   Please help me!!!!!!

Answer
Dear Alessandra,

What a lovely story and what fun to read.  It sounds like you are both at the top of your game.  

It did flash through my long-experienced brain that he might be gay, but you'll find that out sooner or later.  

Let's assume he's not and that the impression he gives (of wealth, success and popularity) are true.  Then you should proceed from the standpoint that you are both at the top of your games and that he enjoys the thrill of the chase even more than you do.  You mention how easy men have come to you, and we do not value what comes easy to us.  This applies exponentially to men. This is human nature, and not an intellectual thing.  We like what we can't have.  We eschew what comes easily.  We value what we must work hard for.   

Definitely give him the chase he desires. Since you have not done this, you will have to back off somewhat from your former position of availability.  (Like don't sit next to him, make him come to you -- always!!)  You will discover at some point if there is anything to him.  Sometimes the mystery turns out to be a blackhole; they behave the way they do because there isn't anything under there.  Sometimes it's a great depth and I hope it is the latter.  

The formula is:  Be easy to be with and hard to get.  Don't give him a single thing.  Make him work for anything he gets.  Then he will value it.  For instance, when you finally do have a date, PLEASE, don't let it be that you go to his place and tumble madly into bed with him.  He will toss you off like all the other little girls who fell so easily. Until HE comes out with a direct invitation for a REAL DATE, and asks on a Weds. for a Saturday night, remain coy.  Pleasant but vague.  A "Maybe you'd like to go to Russia with me" is not an invitation, it's bait for silly little girls, and you reply, "Sure would be," you do not go investigate trips and present your research to him.  Oh what a fool would do that!

Do not accept a crumb tossed out.  Do not go out on the spur of the moment.  Do not accept a last minute invitation even to a funeral (and I mean this WAY into the relationshi).  (Of course this is if you want marriage.  If you want an affair, jump right in, and anticipate that it will be very very short, and not a fun one.)

Do not divulge too much personal information, remain a mystery - after all, that is what attracts YOU to HIM.  Play the game.  Why?  WHen everything has come easy to someone, and is coming easy to them, the only thing they will notice and value is something that they have to work very hard for.  If he's had it as easy as it appears, he won't even notive you in the herd if you go ga-ga over him.  

Notice that this is working on you.  Now be a smart girl and keep your head about you.  Be very BUSY.  This precludes him seeing you as "needy."  You don't have time for long phone calls, for instance, when he starts calling you. (And please, make him ask directly for your phone call.) Keep it to 10 minutes max.  No "spilling" on the first date.  The first date is 1 1/2 hours max.  If a dinner, 2 hours.  YOU end the date.

Rich men want to work hard for what they get.

One thing -- it's a puzzle about this email thing and the privacy.  I think he may be less self-assured than you think.  It's like he doesn't want to fail in public.  On the other hand, it could be discretion and good manners.  He may have serious feelings for you and be going through the ropes properly, and keeping it between the two of you.  Just keep possiblities open until you really get to know him well.  Hang on to your heart, as it were. You are clearly impressed with what impresses, but hang on long enough to see the substance beneath the surface.  The good life is not about bling-bling.

Lastly, your attraction for things you cannot have also bears some looking into, and the fact you appear to want things to stay at the apex of the ascendant scale (in love).  Re: marriage, for instance, everyone falls out of love; one big time, and many small times.  You might benefit from some coaching in certain areas that would make your life work better.  You would not be happy with a gardener who gave you a buzz, and you need to work out some things around this.  The place of "money" in the whole picture appears a bit distorted.  It isn't either/or.  You also may be over-valueing the highs and the lows, which is inviting men who give you a hard ride.

Good luck with this one and I hope he turns out to be a good mystery, not a bad one.  Play it cool and keep your head about you.  Oh, and it goes without saying, if you want marriage, avoid sex with him for as long as is humanly possible.

Warm regards and Happy New Year,
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc