Expert: Rhapsody Love - 1/15/2006

Question
Hi im 28 yr of age my bf is 33 yr s old weve been together for 10 months now, hes been through alot and so have I , we totally get along great and things have been great on xmas however i noticed that on his computer he was on a sexsearch site where people for others for sex ( he was cheated on badly his ex wife got pregnant with someone elses baby about 2 yrs ago) he says that he was not looking for someone but however he was looking a pictures he liked the amateur thing i guess i feel odd we get along great and what not but for this thing that bothers me greatly ...right now he is gone to australia for 2 weeks to visit family and i am in canada i cant help but wonder if he will leave or find someone else ...im scared i dont want to loose him ..hes my rock...ive asked him if he will ever ask me to marry him one day and hes said yes hes pretty sure it will happen he just has to fix some stuff with him self first what do you think?

Answer
Alina,

I think trust is important in a long-term relationship. Not blind, foolish trust, but caring, considerate trust. That means you worry (not so much to drive you crazy, though), because you care, but you do the best you can to believe in him. You have no control over what happens in Australia and you have no idea what's going on in his mind and what things he has to take care of (except to the extent that he's told you and you've come to know a bit about how he thinks). So worrying won't help and telling him in email or on the phone that you worry that he'll leave you makes it sound like you don't trust him. You can tell him you miss him very much and that you can't wait for him to come back.

When he comes back, find a good time to have a serious talk and tell him that  you were afraid he might not come back, but that you knew you had to trust him. Tell him that if you understood him better, it would be easier to trust him and ask him if he wouldn't mind telling you more about what happened in Australia that he had to take care of. Learn more about his past. And learn more about his dreams and hopes for the future, so that you can blend yours with his. You can learn everything in one sitting, but making a habit of having open and honest conversation will help.

If there's a good time to bring it up, ask him why he feels a need to look at sex sites and tell him that it bothers you. Most men do it. My husband does it. I used to tell him that it bothers me, but it was one of those things that wasn't worth fighting about. I suppose there are some men who give it up for their wives, but more probably just hide it. My husband and I believe in being open and honest, so I've just come to accept it.

IF this relationship doesn't work out, it wasn't your fault if you trusted him and were trustworthy. It will be painful. Breaking up is always painful and even thinking about the possibility is painful, but you have to think about how he feels and what his perspective is of you. Who wants to be with someone who doesn't trust you and questions every move? He had a life before you. He has family. He has his own needs and thoughts. Hopefully his can blend with yours and it will work out, but there's always a possibility that it won't and it's better to try to accept that. That doesn't mean that you have to let him go without questioning it, but you don't have control over him. The closest thing you have to "control" is to build a relationship that is a bond; deeply caring and not smothering and maybe he won't leave because he feels you are a part of him. If he doesn't give you the opportunity to get to that point, then he has missed an opportunity and that's a shame. If it happens, mourn your loss and move on. In the mean time, be as trusting as you can be.

I hope this helps.

- Joyce