Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 10/16/2007

Question
Hi Susan:
I need your help.  I made the mistake of asking a guy out in my office.  It was over email.  I asked him if I could take him out to dinner for his birthday.  He responded immediately that he'd love to but his upbringing and sense of chivalry required that he do the taking.  We had a little banter back and forth and I left it by asking him to get back to me with the day/time/location etc.  This exchange occured on Wed 10/10.  His birthday is tomorrow 10/17.  As of today, he has not gotten back to me to set up the date.  So I'm assuming that I should never have asked him out or offered to pay in the first place.  I feel rejected and humilated for taking that leap and it not being reciprocated.  And I need to get out of this gracefully, b/c obviously if he was interested in me he would have set up the date.  I'm resisting the urge to make excuses b/c I know that again if he was interested in me he would have set up the date.  The reason I'm optimistic that he might still be interested is that he's so nice to me around work and compliments me that I'm so nice.  Oi.  This is a mess and I'm having a hard time interpreting signals being patient and accepting that he's just not interested in me.  But why would he have accepted my offer to begin with? (Sorry for the rambling.)
Emily

Answer
Dear Emily, All may be not be lost.  However, should this turn out to be a "learning experience," let me make some comments here.  IN CAPS, because that's all I can do (and I like to dialogue).

I made the mistake of asking a guy out in my office. THIS IS TRUE. It was over email.  I asked him if I could take him out to dinner for his birthday.  

He responded immediately that he'd love to but his upbringing and sense of chivalry required that he do the taking. OK - THIS IS WHERE YOU TAKE HEED.  HE IS TELLING YOU HOW HE LIKES IT TO BE (AND I'M WITH HIM).  HE'S THE GENTLEMEN, HE EXPECTS TO BE IN CHARGE.  AT THIS POINT YYOU DO NOT BANTER, YOU TURN INTO A LADY, AS HE IS NOW BEING A GENTLEMAN, AND ACTUALLY HAS ASKED YOU OUT ON A DATE.  FOR WHICH THE RESPONSE IS "YES!"  YOU REPLY SOMETHING LIKE, "WELL HOW NICE OF YOU.  I'D LOVE TO CELEBRATE YOUR BIRTHDAY WITH YOU."  AND THEN YOU WAIT.

YOU SEE, THIS IS HIM NOW ASKING YOU OUT, AND YOU MISSED IT.  AND HE WAS EVEN GOING TO PAY FOR IT, A REAL DATE.  CONSIDER THAT YOU FLIRTED WITH HIM, GOT THE 'GO' AND NOW THE REST IS UP TO HIM.  YOU SAY NOTHING AND WAIT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS.  THIS IS A WIN-WIN FOR YOU, BECAUSE THERE IS AN OUTSIDE CHANCE (I DON'T KNOW THIS GUY, THAT IT WAS A 'WE GOTTA HAVE LUNCH SOMETIME' ... AND THEN A BLOWOFF.)

BAD MOVE HERE ---->I left it by asking him to get back to me with the day/time/location etc. SOMETHING BETTER MIGHT HAVE BEEN, "looking forward to it." (YOU SEE, HE HAS GOTTEN 'FORMAL,' AND YOU FOLLOW SUIT.)

This exchange occured on Wed 10/10.  His birthday is tomorrow 10/17.  As of today, he has not gotten back to me to set up the date.  So I'm assuming that I should never have asked him out or offered to pay in the first place.  I feel rejected and humilated for taking that leap and it not being reciprocated.  And I need to get out of this gracefully, b/c obviously if he was interested in me he would have set up the date. DON'T READ TOO MUCH INTO THINGS WITH GUYS.

I'm resisting the urge to make excuses b/c I know that again if he was interested in me he would have set up the date.  The reason I'm optimistic that he might still be interested is that he's so nice to me around work and compliments me that I'm so nice.  Oi.  This is a mess and I'm having a hard time interpreting signals being patient and accepting that he's just not interested in me.   WELL, DON'T OVER-REACT.  YOU MIGHT ASSUME HE KNOWS YOU KNOW IT'S THE 17TH AND WILL BE FORTHCOMING.  IF HE DOES, IN THIS CASE I WOULD ACCEPT, BECAUSE THE DATE WAS MORE OR LESS MENTIONED AND ASSUMED.

But why would he have accepted my offer to begin with? THERE'S AN OUTSIDE CHANGE IT WAS TO BE POLITE, BUT THEN HE COULD HAVE JUST SAID "SORRY, I'M BUSY" IN WHICH CASE YOU LET IT DROP.  HOWEVER, IT REMAINS THAT IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN A MAN FOR SOMETHING SERIOUS (NOT A QUICKIE AFTER DINNER), DO NOT ASK THEM OUT ... AND IF IT GOES THE WAY THIS DID, BACK OUT QUICK, WITH A SMILE, AND LET HIM BE THE MAN AND TAKE CHARGE.  DON'T TAKE THE FUN OUT OF IT FOR HIM.

IT'S A YUCHY FEELING, I KNOW, ESPECIALLY BEING LEFT TO HANG LIKE THIS.  HAPPENS TO ALL OF US.  IF HE LEAVES IT LIKE THAT, I WOULD NOT RECOMMEND DATING HIM.  THAT'S SUPERFICIAL, OR RUDE.  

ANYWAY THE BALL'S IN HIS COURT.  BE READY FOR THE 'RETURN BALL' IN CASE HE DOES COME THROUGH.  LET ME KNOW.  THIS IS INTERESTING.  IF IT GOES FORWARD, JUST CUZ IT GOT OFF TO A ROCKY START, DOESN'T MEAN THAT MUCH.  AS LONG AS YOU DO NOT PICK UP THE PHONE OR PUNCH THE KEYBOARD.  

ALTERNATIVELY, ACCORDING TO YOUR INTUITION, YOU MIGHT ALSO CONSIDER BEING "BUSY" IF HE DOES CALL ... TO SHOW THAT YOUR UPBRINGING IS THAT YOU EXPECT A FIRM INVITATION WITH ADVANCE NOTICE, AND COURTESY.

DON'T ASK GUYS OUT!!!  ALSO DON'T FEEL TOO REJECTED , ETC. THAT YOU DID THIS, BECAUSE IT'S HOW WE LEARN.  NOW YOU KNOW WHAT THIS FEELS LIKE, SO YOU WON'T BE TEMPTED TO DO IT AGAIN!  (LET THE GUYS GO THROUGH ALL THIS PRESSURE, LOL)

KEEP YOUR CHIN UP!  I HOPE HE COMES THROUGH.

Warm regards,
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc

Individual dating coaching, Internet courses and ebooks for your success. Susan is the author of DATING SUCCESS MANUAL FOR WOMEN, available here:  http://www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html .
email for information, sdunn@susandunn.cc