Expert: Rhapsody Love - 7/26/2004

Question
Dear Joyce

Your advice is amazing. But I really lack self-esteem right now, I feel that if he read what I sent him four days ago, he might find it odd that I got his e-mail address at all. He might think I am a stalker?!? Moreover, maybe I did a mistake by not mentionning how I got his e-mail address, but it was too embarassing for me to write "I heard your name then looked it up on the uni directory", that is why I did not make allusion to it in my e-mail. I'm already desperate..the reason is that I am not somebody who easily thinks someone *likes* me, but I was 150% sure he did. Now I don't know what to think..but he's always in my mind for sure.
And if I write "missing th thursday meeting" and that he never replies, I will lose all my self-esteem I think. Honestly I've never said such things, he really is special to me..

Thanks :)

xx Maria
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Followup To
Question -
Dear Joyce,

Thank you so much for your reply. I sent him an e-mail three days ago, but he still hasn't replied :( I feel confused now, not to mention sad. I have to admit I think of him all the time, even when I'm at my busiest surrounding by great people. All I think about is how sweet he seems to be. I am not like that usually, never have been!
Just so you know, here is what I wrote:
the subject was :"good day!"
the body of the text: "Hello, my name is Maria. Are you having a pleasant holiday? It is beautiful here in Paris. What are your plans for the future now that you've finished school?
Take care."
SO, he still hasn't replied. It is his school address, but I'm pretty sure he has an hotmail address as well. Maybe he checks the latter more often. WHat do you think about the e-mail I sent? I wanted to make it neutral, with questions, so that he would knw what to reply if he's shy. I mentionned Paris because that way he might know who it is from. And I wrote "good day" b/c it's not proper english, so he might know for sure it's from a "foreigner". I hope "good day" doesn't look like a spam title though...

Hope to hear from you soon,
xxMaria.
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Followup To
Question -
Hi,

I'm a first year uni student in the UK, but I'm from France. This year I've been attracted to only one guy: I first saw him in the uni's library. Then it became the place where I would go if I wanted to see him.He was always there on thursday morning, so I would go on that day too.In my mind we both knew we would see each other's face on that day so it was like our day.. We would just sit on the computer, and make eye contact. Everytime he would see me he smiled, and looked interested. But he's never talked to me. One day, before the end of term, I saw him on a thursday in the library and said my first sentence to him"sorry would you have a pen because mine doesn't have ink anymore". He said "I haven't got one with me". And that was it. I was hoping he would talk to me afterwards. He knows I'm from another country b/c one day he sat behind me and a friend when we spoke french.I even saw him on the supermarket one day, but we didn't talk, he was with a girl, apparently a friend. He also looked a bit shy.
A week ago I've attended his degree ceremony (he's a final year so I won't see him at Uni any more). He saw me with some guy friend of mine, and I wanted my friend to go to him and say that I wanted to be his friend. But my friend thought it would be peculiar and didn't approach him.
I didn't know my crush's name, but I heard it on the degree ceremony when he collected his degree. I've then looked up his uni e-mail address on the uni student directory. Hence, I now have his e-mail address. Should I use it and say that ever since I've seen him I've wanted to be his friend? or should I restrain, for he may wonder how I did obtain his e-mail address..I really am confused. I think he really liked me, but then why didn't he talk to me once? I don't think he has a girlfriend, the only time I saw him with a girl was when he was taking pictures on the degree ceremony, she is a friend in the same course as him(marketing).

I hope to hear from you soon. I need to write to him or get him out of my system asap(though this might be impossible b/c he was always acting so sweet when he saw me) I'm getting mad!what to do?
Maria.
Answer -
Maria,

How could writing him hurt? If you don't write him, you may never see him again, right? You may never see him again any way, but at least you could give it a shot. Think carefully what you will write, though. If I were you, I'd tell him I'd miss seeing him on Thurs.'s (I'd even put that in the subject line with the name of the uni so that it won't look like Spam) and include other details so he'll know who you are. You don't need much more than that. You don't need to use the word "friend" - you can say - "please email me if you get this."

I don't know about UK, but often when students graduate, they don't use the email address that had at uni; they often have a different email address at home. So he may not get your message. Even if he looks at the message, with spam as it is, it could get lost in a spam filter since your "from" email address would be a different one than he's gotten before. And there's always the chance that he won't know how to answer it and so just won't answer it. So if you don't get an answer, don't fret about it; at least you tried.

Yes, I agree that he's probably shy. Many men are. It is OK for a woman to make a move on a man. Unfortunately, you may have blown it by waiting too long. You may be mad at yourself because of it or frustrated or sad, but don't beat yourself up about it, because that won't do any good. Learn from this. If you're in this kind of situation again, what will you do? What could you have done or said that might have worked and that you'll try next time?

Good luck!

- Joyce
Answer -
Maria,

"Good day" would look like spam to me and spammer often start by introducing themselves, too. I get messages from foreigners asking for money all the time & telling me their personal sob story - if it looks like spam, I don't open it - if I think it might be a legitimate message, I open it and then delete it quickly if it doesn't look legitimate to me - I look for a clue that I know the person or they really know me. You could try again in a few days if you'd like.

If I were you, I might email him each Thurs. And use the title "Missed Library Meeting" on the first one and maybe "Graduation Woes" on the next - things like that - show how you know him and that you know he graduated. The body of the message was OK, I guess, but you could also reword that a little bit each time & mention seeing him in the library & mention the name of the uni. Try again, but do your best to find other things to think about.

Good luck!

- Joyce

Answer
Maria,

You said: it was too embarassing for me to write "I heard your name then looked it up on the uni directory" Why? Think about it. If you never see him ever again in your life, why would it matter? If you do see him ever again in your life, it must mean that he read at least one of your messages and wanted to see you (or else it was an enormous coincidence or fate). Either way, how could these message be bad? TRUST FATE BUT GIVE IT A HELPING HAND!

Well, you said, "He might think I am a stalker?!?" So you think he's going to call the police? What is the likelihood of that? If he did, what do you think the police would do? I think they'd tell him that it's not stalking when he never emailed you and told you he wasn't interested in hearing from you. You probably fear he might email you and tell you that, but wouldn't that be better than not knowing how he might feel about you and knowing that you have no chance at all of ever seeing him? GIVE YOURSELF A CHANCE!

You said: "I am not somebody who easily thinks someone *likes* me, but I was 150% sure he did." 150% is quite a lot! He did smile at you. He did keep the same schedule as you, so at least he wasn't trying to avoid you. HE DID LIKE YOU - BELIEVE IT!

You wrote: "if I write "missing thursday meeting" and that he never replies, I will lose all my self-esteem I think. " How will that be worse than it is right now? How will it hurt you? How will it hurt him? Think about it. He may really like you and wish he had the nerve and self-esteem to talk to you when he was there, so you're probably doing him a favor by trying to contact him. YOU ARE DOING HIM A FAVOR - BELIEVE IT!

You said: "Honestly I've never said such things, he really is special to me." That first message with no explanation of who you are won't work - you need to try again and repeatedly is not stalking, it's just attempting to get him to really notice your message & to respond. GO FOR IT!

- Joyce