Expert: Rhapsody Love - 12/4/2004

Question
Hello Joyce
 SyL, what in heck is wrong with me? For years when I have been attracted to a woman, I maintain my interest-until,(and if), she expresses interest in me. Once she seems interested in me, my interest in her strangely nosedives quite a bit. She just doesn't seem nowhere as interesting. I am beginning to even seek prayer about this situation, fearful I may never gain a true relationship.
 Do many other people experience this when attracted to one another? Is this something which I may need to seek professional therapy for? What would be your diagnosis? What do you think might be wrong in my life?
 Thank you greatly,
 Mike Eidson, LAc.

Answer
Mike,

I can't give you a diagnosis as I'm not a doctor. I'm not even a psychologist. There's been a lot written about romance, though. Believe it or not, there are some cultures in which it does not exist. It is cultural. We are taught what kind of person we should be attracted to and what we should expect about romantic relationships. Unfortunately, our culture has made it very difficult for a lot of people to find romantic relationships, because people take stories like Cinderella and fantasy figures like Barbie and real-life super models too seriously.

Still I'm a romantic, especially this time of year. "A Christmas Carol" and "It's a Wonderful Life"  and other stories of the season tell me that we are important people who can find meaning and purpose in our lives and be meaningful in other people's lives. I don't think I'd want to live in a culture without these kind of romantic stories.

I think the key for getting professional help is if you have an emotional or psychological (way-of-thinking) problem that you can't solve on your own that negatively affects your life. You can't expect a psychologist or counselor to do it without your help, though. Get someone who will give you homework (like paying attention to certain thoughts or interactions & journaling) and maybe even study material (books to read and/or tests to take). If you're crafty enough, you can find the books and tests on your own and give yourself the homework that will get you to change the way you're thinking about romance and relationships.

I don't have a particular relationship book to recommend, but I like personality tests for learning about myself and the variations of other people. Three resources for that would be (this site doesn't make links clickable, so you'll either have to copy and
paste them in another browser or have this message send to your email where your software might make them clickable):

http://www.keirsey.com/

http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/

where you can take tests to find out about yourself and get information on personality types to learn who would make a good match for you.  

I also like Linda Goodman's "Love Signs;":

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&ie=ISO-8859-1&as_qdr=all&q=%22Linda+Goodm...

though I am skeptical about astrology, I find this is surprisingly
realistic (it certainly couldn't hurt to check it out). BTW, this is a Google search link because the links I've chosen in the past have disappeared - sorry it's so long. Here's a shorter one if the above link separates or doesn't work.:

http://tinyurl.com/r2o0

Once you know yourself better and know what kind of mate would be good for
you and have thought about other qualities that you would want, you can
better figure out where to find such a person.  Where might this person
be, work, go for recreation?  Would this person attend a church or other
religious organization and if so, what kind (conservative, liberal - or
you might try Unitarian Universalist where people of many faiths worship
together)? Also, if you're in a city or metropolitan area, there might be Meet-ups near you - find an area that interests you and sign up for a Meet-up which takes place with at least 4 other people in a public place - you can also suggest a venue closer to your location.:

http://www.meetup.com/

Would that person be looking for you on the internet?  If so, check out

http://dmoz.org/Society/Relationships/Dating/Personals/

- there are loads of places to go on the internet where you can get a
profile and even search by location as well as interest.  You can get to
know the person anonymously first; read

http://www.ou.edu/oupd/kidsafe/websafe.htm

and

http://www.sanfords.net/Mom_Dear/Dating_on_the_Internet.shtml

before trying this out.

Good luck!

- Joyce