Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 1/7/2007

Question
I am an intelligent, confident, pretty woman that is successful enough to own a home on my own, be able to take care of myself, and not to have children outside of marriage. I have no emotional baggage, am not inhibited, and am looking for a healthy marriage now that my career is set and I am happy with where I am. My job revolves around men (by phone though) and I really enjoy them, find it easy to talk to them, and I am not one of those women that is a 'man hater' or anything at all. But, I never get asked out (except by married men, which I am not that type). I also work a lot, don’t drink or party, so I don't ‘get out’ there either. So, I joined eharmony a few weeks ago. Of probably 100 contacts, only two contacted me first. I wait at least 3 days before contacting them first because I want them to have the respect they would gain by contacting me first. But, I am amazed that 95% of the men on there do NOT post a picture and almost 100% do not allow you to look at their personality profiles (both of mine are posted). That really bothers me - so what if someone doesn’t think you are for them? You are better off moving on if that is the case. Another example that makes me wonder: In my second round of questions, I asked two men "What three things could your spouse do for you that would make you feel content, happy and fulfilled?" One replied to the question, but said "…It kinda intimidated me to have you, get to the point so fast..I liked it though! scary!!!!!" Why would that question scare anyone? The second man answered the question and then did not make contact again (didn’t close the file either, so I did after a week, which was unfortunate because I really thought I would like him). The question is about them, fulfilling their needs, not mine, so I am confused why it is intimidating? Should I be asking how they will be fulfilling my needs? I assure you it is a concern ;)
Truly, I am really confused, and am starting to think men have no confidence or maybe just want needy women? I have a lot to offer the right man, and don't want to be single anymore.

Answer
Dear Shirl,

I share your pain!  And so does the man out there who is looking for YOU just as hard as you are looking for him.

You know you have to kiss a lot of frogs ...

These are all questions we all have when learning.  You will find some turkeys on those sites, and will learn what - as eharmony says - you can't live with.  I, for instance, eliminate anyone who wants to know how I feel about sex outside marriage right away, or however that question goes.

You should try some of the other sites - I have heard that www.americansingles.com is a good one.  also millionairematch.com.  There are many, new ones coming up every day.  You may prefer a more open format than eharmony.  

You are dealing with a new format here, and you'll just have to learn the ropes.  As you know, women are better at writing than men are.  Men are so visual - they always want to "see a photo" and that can be disconcerting.  But sooner or later you will click.

My general advice is let them contact you first.  If, on the other sites, they only send a "wink" or something, don't reply.  Wait 24 hours to reply.  Be brief.  It's common to get a "letter writer" and that's all they want.  If you want marriage, you must move it quickly.  Get together with them.  Limit phone calls to 10 mins. at first no matter what.  Just say you're "busy."  They DO like the chase - always have and always will.  And they are turned off my things they consider to indicate "too needy" or "too high maintenance."  

Watch out for your safety.  There are a million articles out there on that, so read them before you agree to meet with a man, but you do NOT want to get into lengthy emails.  

You will not understand some of the comments you get back.  It's the same with men in real life!  And they feel the same way about women, so just hang in there.  

Use your intuition.  I remember one guy who kept contacting me with winks and nudges, but had checked he wanted only "casual relationship."  I was feeling good-humored one night, and finally wrote him back, "I want marriage.  Run, don't walk."  Well, he wrote back, "I WILL MARRY YOU."  He won!  He showed such a cute sense of humor.  That appealed to ME.  It might not appeal to you.  It's all in the fit.  

Generally speaking avoid the ones who get sexual too fast, anything crude, of course, or out-of-line; someone who goes on and one about "no more screaming women, etc." - this shows too much baggage; the ones who are "legally separated" - men in transition don't know what they're doing, and you don't want to go there; ones that go on and on and on - that's "too much too soon".

It's like anything else, go through 50 of them and you will have a real feel for what works for you and what doesn't.  Cut them some slack.  I mean if they are TOO good at this, there's something wrong, too.  

All it takes is one and he's out there looking for you as well.  

Our desires for "mates" tend to be idealist at first, combinations that don't exist in real people, so hang in there and explore if it seems worth exploring.  Don't be discouraged it you don't get responses.  Many who are looking are on many sites, and it takes time to get back and forth.  We're all busy.  

Because of your inexperience, this should definitely be a numbers game.  Plan on having date and having fun.  Get your toe dipping into the water.  Those sites do massive volume; eharmony perhaps the least because of the way they match people.  I met one of the dearest men I know through eharmony however ...

If as you say, you are interested in marriage and not an affair, you DO have to play it differently.  Too long to go into here.  If you want some coaching, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .  There are certain "rules" that work and things that don't work if you are after marriage.  Including that you do not mention the "m" word or the "c" word for a long, long time, so watch how you fill in those parts of the profiles.

Be sure and get some great pictures of yourself on there.  Men are visual.

You think you don't understand those?  On my profile I have about 5 different photos.  I look totally different in each one ... doesn't everyone?  Who ever looks like their photo?  Come on now.  (I don't mean they're faked, I mean I look different.  I wear my hair different ways.  One I have on my glasses, another I don't.  One I'm going to an opera, the other I'm sitting in a park.  One guy wrote me back, "Your photos all look different.  I'm confused."  I eliminated him as basically hopeless.  Again, that's me.  

Have fun, get after it, remain bouyant, stay safe, and roll with the punches.  I do not believe anyone can begin to describe themselves accurately and I thought everyone knew that.  They do not!  We proceed from there.

Warm regards,
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc

Again, I highly recommend relationship coaching.  It gave amp your learning curve dramatically and eliminate beginners' errors.  When you get serious about finding the man of your dreams, get coaching.  Period. I've talked to 100s of people going through this.  You hear a lot of the same things ...