Expert: Azure - 2/4/2004

Question
I am a 28 year old single mom. I have just ended a 2 year relationship with yet another "wrong" guy. I agree that I held on a year too long because I was scared of being alone and feeling like I'm going to be an old maid. I've already been divorced once and don't want to make any more mistakes in picking men. I am not perfect by any means, but I seem to pick men that have huge egos and try to control me and I end up feeling like a piece of crap and "lucky" to have them or anyone for that matter. I am not overweight, stupid, trashy, or ugly. I have a decent job and can support myself and my daughter, although I am not rich by any means. I am scared to death of making another mistake and also don't want to fail in another relationship in front of my young daughter. I'm scared that I've conditioned myself to take too much crap and then it's too late by the time I get tired of it because I've gotten time and feeling invested, including my daughter's. I've always been attracted to the "manly" or "macho" type of guy and I'd love to go for a sweet,loving, affectionate guy even if he was a "nerd". How can I change my preferences in order to save my heart from being broken again? I always end up leaving these guys after a few years but I'm the one who ends up getting the losing end of the deal because my dreams are shattered and my time is wasted and I'm yet another year older!  

Answer
you have to fine tune what you want; start by laying out, in your head, what are your relationship requirements, and what are preferences..28 is a little young to settle for someone you're physically not attracted to, nor is it necessary..the key is to sooner recognize the early warning signs that these macho, arrogant, insensitive control freaks usually give off...you probably have learned by now what the "red flags" are...also, keep control of the arrangement right from the start...go slow, ony see/talk to the person occasionally; if they want to see/talk to/be with you/get too involved too soon, end it immediately...maintain your freedom to date others until a whole bunch of time has passed...YOU make the rules, set the pace, let him know the requirements....as it progresses, see if you both have similar values as to what's important in a relationship...if on your list humor, playfulness, consideration, no heavy drinking, no smoking, passion, etc are required, let him know; if you realize he can't/won't meet them, move on...preference-wise, you may prefer a guy over 6 ft, but wouldn't necessarily rule someone out at 5'10...that's reasonable, but be sure to never settle for less than you deserve...part of problem may be where you're looking for guys...if you'd like ideas in that regard, let me know...for now, check out the above and adjust your mindset, and self-esteem, accordingly...az