Expert: Rhapsody Love - 4/7/2002

Question
Hi,
I have a major problem right now, and I don't know how to cope with it.  I met a guy about a year back, who has been literally begging me to be friends with him for that whole time and I always turned him away, mainly because I come from a very conservative muslim family.  Also before I met him, I was engaged with someone for about two years and it suddenly broke a few months prior to our meeting.  It took me the longest time to get over him, so I did not want to get myself involved in anything, and I knew if I become friends with him, it would eventually lead to more.  Well after a year of him persuing me, I agreed, and like I said, eventually began to fall in love with him.  We have been together now for a month, and I wanted to tell my parents but because of family circumstances right now I had to wait.  I guess too long maybe.  I just found out some horrible news.  The guy's family is still in pakistan and they have arranged his wedding to someone else.  So now he said he is going to go try break it but it depends on how far things are.  Because of society and such, you really can not break a wedding once things are done, or you bring shame to your whole family.  He told me he has to go for the summer, and will try his best, but will not make any promises because things don't look too good.  I have the choice of either waiting as a friend or leaving him.  He said doesn't want to lose me, but he doesn't want to hurt me by giving me hope.  As it is we broke up now, and I have the choice of waiting to see how things go or just move on.  
I am stuck, I don't know what to do.  I want to be a friend and stay, but I know if things don't work out back home for him, I will be devestated, because the thought of losing him right now has made me crazy.  Please help me make a decision.  Should I be a friend and see what happens in the future or should I just cut all contact with him and move on.  Please help a bleading soul.  Thank you for taking the time to look at my problem.

Answer
MZ,

Would it really be so hard to wait until the end of summer to see what happens?  Don't wait with anticipation in hopes that he will come back to you, but just pursue interests that don't include looking for another man.  You could read books, pursue a new hobby, do things with female friends and family, take a class, think about your future whether or not this man is in your life - what do you want to make of yourself?  

One way you can learn about yourself is to go to these sties and take some personality tests.:  (This site doesn't make links clickable, so you'll either have to copy and paste them in another browser or have this message send to your email where your software might make them clickable.):

http://www.keirsey.com/

http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/Home.asp

It may be hard, but you try to push out the thought of a future with him and just concentrate on your life for now.  You may have to tell him to contact you when it has been decided, so that you don't have the pain of being in touch with him and trying to be friends when you want more.  Make plans for what you'll do if he does say he's married at the end of the summer or if you don't hear from him again yet without telling him that you won't be there for him and without destroying the possibility for the two of you.  If you break up with him and tell him you won't wait for him, you will always wonder whether he married this person his family arranged for him only because you weren't available to him.  Don't promise him anything and don't have hopes that are unrealistic, but treat your life like you're on vacation from the thoughts and feelings of finding a mate.  In the fall you can go on with your life, probably without him, but at least you'll know that you didn't destroy that possibility and what happened was beyond your control.

Good luck!  Feel free to ask again.

- Joyce