Expert: Azure - 5/25/2004

Question
I too am a volunteer on Allexperts but I have run into a problem that I just can't seem to figure out.  The man I'm with is perfect for me, he's everything I could ever ask for and more BUT he's terrified of commitment and because of it our relationship is suffering.  He can't seem to make time for me, his friends are always more important and although he feels bad that this is a problem for me he isn't doing anything to fix it.  The easy thing to do would be to break it off and move on, but the problem is I'm not ready to give up and give in.  We've only been together for a few months so it's still new and fresh.  What I need to know is, how do I fix this?  How do I approach the subject and make him understand how difficult it is for me to deal with this without scaring him off?  I'm 99% positive that my feelings for him are stronger than his for me and although he assures me that that will all eventually change I'm still having problems dealing with a relationship that just doesn't seem to be moving forward.
Please if you could give me some insight.  I don't want another failed relationship so early into the game.

Answer
being the one with the stronger feelings isn't the best position to be in; it depletes your self-esteem and you make decisions based more on your insecurities than what your mind tells you is the RIGHT decision; in this case, it appears he's much too comfortable, and getting away with this stuff because he knows your neediness/feelings for him will allow him to; the thing is, the best approach involves not worrying about "scaring him off", but informing him of what your requirements are for continuing the relationship; here you state in matter of fact terms what you don't like and why, how it is no longer acceptable, and needs to change; then HE can determine if the relationship means enough to him to be more considerate, or else you will realize that his self-centeredness will prevent this (in spite of his promises of coming attractions) from ever being an equal and loving arrangement; if you continue to settle for less than you deserve, even your need to be with him won't save you from further anxiety, frustration and unhappiness...az