Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 7/17/2007

Question
Dear Susan,

I was in love with a man whom I suppose didn't love me back, although I thought he did. He was very good to me...or so I thought. Anyway we seemed very happy together but after a few months he broke up with me for what seemed like no reason at all (we had no nasty arguments, had very similar interests and goals, etc), so that was really out of the blue. Everything seemed to moving in the right direction for us, so I was wracking my brains trying to figure out what the hell happened. I eventually found out the real reason was that there was another woman the entire time and he had left me for her.

So of course I tried to cut off contact, especially because it obviously hurt seeing them together. He does not know that I knew about her.

There were a couple times in the upcoming weeks that he tried to get close to me. Such as, trying to get me to join him for lunch, dinner etc, and if I walked by and he was with his buddies he would try to get me to sit next to him and hang out with him, etc but I always made up some excuse and left.

There were times that I ran into him and it seemed like he was about to kiss me but stopped himself at the last minute. I wonder why he's making all these moves when he's got a new girl.

So lately I have completely removed myself from situations where I might run into him and his new flame.

The other day I signed in online on instant messenger and for some reason I had the urge to message him. I don't know why. I asked how he was doing, he seemed really happy to hear from me, and he asked if I was going to be online the next day at the same time. I didn't answer, signed off, and of course did not log in the next day. I ripped up all his pictures and deleted everything of his also so he cannot contact me. UGH I wanna be so over him!

There is one thing that makes me curious. Why, if he had a new flame, was he still acting like that towards me? Also, my occupation has transferred me to another country, so he knows it is unlikely that we will ever meet again. Why in that case is he still stringing me along? I mean, it's only wasting HIS time.

Answer
Dear Lena,  

Now he's doing it because he knows you're moving to another country. Now he can be *really* safe.

And how is this wasting his time?  You are *still* assuming he has some sort of intent to this, and I'm afraid he does not.

Why do men string women along?  Because women let them.

The dynamic on the man's part (though women do this to men as well) is fear ... strong ambivalence -- wanting but not wanting.  Wanting a woman but only as an object.  Wanting romance but not the work of love.  They are not mature enough to handle a real relationship and/or too afraid (some people spend some time here after getting hurt in a divorce and that's why I say 'never date a man in transition.'  BUT ... the problem here is that you are INTERESTED in the dynamics.  You see the hook?  

Don't be interested in the dynamics.  Just get away.  

Here it is from a man's mouth when I asked one:  "Men string women along and know they'll have no trouble replacing them when the woman calls his bluff."  That's how a man answers the 'why' part.  Uh oh.

So - call THE bluff here.  BOTH of you are doing the bluff here.  You don't really want him, you want what it once was - along with your fantasies about the relationship and your illusions about him.  However, this is an easy one to play out.  Next time he asks you to sit down next to him, sit down next to him and have it out.  Tell him if he wants to have a serious relationship with you and only you, you'll be glad to see him, otherwise to leave you alone.

I suspect you can't even imagine this conversation, because in your heart you know you can't trust him and don't even like him any more.  

When a stringer's got you, call their bluff.  This means you can't be bluffing either.  You weakened once and IMd him ... it happens.  Put a restraining order on yourself!  I know this isn't easy.  It's hard to give on what might have been, and what once was but consider what this man has shown you NOW, in the clear light of day.  Consider what I've written here and see if it doesn't make sense.  

The reason he is stringing YOU along, is because you are letting him.

Good luck!
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc