Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 4/16/2007

Question
Susan,

I really love my boyfriend very much and when we're together, he is always smiling and holding me in his arms and kissing me all the time. He sends me really nice text messages throughout the day to let me know he is always thinking of me.

I am 27 years old and he is my first boyfriend! I have never even been out on a date in my entire life until I met him. He's my first kiss, hand hold, everything. We have been going out for 8 months and have not had sex although we've seen each other naked many times, like almost every night and we've taken many showers together. The thing is I'm a virgin and he isn't, but we have done oral. Also he is younger than me, he is 23. But so far, he has not asked me for sex or anything, all of this is because I have wanted to do it. Such as, I'm the one who first kissed him, and I'm the one who first took our clothes off. He is really gentle with me and goes out of his way to make me happy. He has never pushed me to get intimate. He told me that sex wasn't the reason he was attracted to me.

The thing is, he is a self-proclaimed commitment phobe who does not want to get married or even have a steady girlfriend. Hmm his actions speak otherwise...he has referred to me as his girlfriend several times and has told me he loves me...so I am really confused.

His friends say he is falling for me and I'm the one who changed him. He still says he is a staunch commitment phobe because his last girlfriend cheated on him and he is never going down that road again.

What do I do. How do I let him know I am never going to hurt him the way she did?

Jessica  

Answer
Dear Jessica:

Listen to what he said.  Not only does he say he is committment-phobic, he is acting like it. You cannot let him know you aren't going to hurt him.  You can't reason OUT of someone what wasn't reasoned IN to him.  He is biding his time, taking a taste of honey and you will find a taste of honey is worse than none at all.  

By letting you take the lead, he abdicates himself from responsibility, an immature way of handling things.  It's like "SHE did it, I didn't, so it doesn't count."

You are trying to "fix" him and that doesn't work.  You need to get your head on straight.  Men do this sort of thing "in transition," when they are healing from an old wound, and you are being used.  Yes, they can be endearing - they're at their most vulnerable.  It's likely he isn't nearly as involved as you are.  

What do you do?  Watch out.  Bad news.

Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc