Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 7/17/2007

Question
You hear of men that are players/womanizers/cheaters, they spend their entire life being jerks to women. Then one day, they meet the girl of their dreams, marry her, and COMPLETELY change their previous ways.

How has the girl established herself as that special in order to keep these players from cheating on her and want to claim her as their own?

Answer
Dear Ana,

Fascinating, isn't it.  I've seen it happen, you've seen it happen.  They change like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.
 
I go over the protocol at length in my ebook DATING SUCCESS MANUAL FOR WOMEN on my dating coach website -- www.susandunn.cc/internetdatingcoach.htm.  When you decide to get serious about this, read the book.  Then get coaching, which individualizes it for you.  "You can't give advice in a crowd."  

I'll discuss a few points briefly here.  Basically you must command respect.  This is not the same thing as "demanding" respect.  Respect you must earn.  I'm not one of those to say everyone "deserves respect."  Some people clearly do not, not that I'd mistreat them, just that they act in such a way that they preclude being respected (like womanizers).  Like self-esteem, it must be earned.  This quality comes from the inside, part of emotional intelligence competencies, if you will.  The woman projects that she is not available for being treated that way, but it can't be faked, it comes from the core.  For instance, the EQ competency of Intentionality.  The woman INTENDS to be treated a certain way and for a certain thing to happen.

This is what you can do yourself.  It can be learned.  

There are always other variables - his interest and attraction to begin with, sometimes it's timing.  They say men marry for two reasons-they're ready to marry, or they find the woman they "can't live without."  As to ready-to-marry, I would say when they become intentional about marrying, they change their hunt-strategy and quit dating the other type of woman.  I had one male client announce to me, "I see.  No more hotties."  Male speak. (They know...)

Most men are happier in this state (believe it or not).  They're just looking for The Woman to bring this out.  

It has nothing to do with spandex, cleavage, Pilates or movie-star looks, as I'm sure you've noticed.  

The woman respects herself, is authentic, and knows what she will and will not accept.  She makes herself that special by NOT BEHAVING like the women he has found willing to be womanized upon, cheated on and played with.

In the book I give many specific examples, and ways of conducting yourself that facilitate this.  For instance, never answer a "wink" on an Internet dating site.  Never initiate.  You build it in to the terms of your dating them in the first place. (There's a new section just for Internet protovol.)   

If you've listened to the tales of as many women dating as I have, it becomes fairly clear what works and what doesn't.  Learning what to do often takes some tweaking because there's so much of the other going on.  

I hope you will pursue this.  

Good luck!
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc