Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 7/19/2007

Question
Five months ago I was cheated on and left for the other woman. I am very sad. How do I get over this? I am still not over it. Despite meeting other men, I am not attracted to anyone else and there is no one I am interested in right now. How do I get over my sadness?

Also...do you think he will ever regret what he did to me?

Answer
Dear Kristen,

OF COURSE he will regret it.  You are quite a prize and he blew it.  Someone like you doesn't come along in a guy's life very often.  He has no idea what he lost.

It is very hard to get over the loss and the betrayal, I know.  It is really beyond words, and just takes time.  Of course you will not be interested in other men for a while.  I think we stay in love with the last one until we fall in love with the new one.  We are born to love.  But right now, temporarily, your heart is closed and that's normal.  

There is definitely a time period when you feel numb.  You are able to love again.  It's like when you are not hungry or nauseated, no hot fudge sundae, no big steak is going to appeal.  So just know that for now, and that's fine, and eventually it will be different. You took a hit, but you'll get up again.

Grow through the sadness, don't just go through it.  It helps to talk to someone about him.  Maybe write about him in your journal.  I don't know how in touch with the anger you are, but face that as well.  He did a crummy thing to you.  I'd be angry if I'd been cheated on.  But all in all it's normal to be numb and disinterested.  Listen to Bocelli's "Time to Say Goodbye," in the Italian - the music works, you don't need to know the words.  Listen to "Hymne a l'amour" and "Mon Dieu" by Piaf - you are suffering, and she knew suffering.  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sCfD2MFV91w).  These are all on youtube.com.  Cry.

Then also distract yourself.  You don't want to just sit and be sad.  Get massages.  And keep your life moving forward.  Keep doing your school work, job, etc.  You don't want it to go on toooo long.

To move it a little, write a list of all the bad things about him and concentrate on those.  

Lastly, "remember what you knew before."  This is an instance where you can learn resilience.  (Oh no, a learning experience)  There will be losses, rejections and setbacks in your life.  They are in the lives of all of us.  No one gets off free.  Remember how you've handled these in the past, and that you survived and thrived.  The sun will shine again.  Not maybe on your schedule, but eventually.  It always does.  

So, it's "last it out."  Don't fight it, that makes it worse.  Know that it's normal and that it will change.  It's heartbreak.  It will get less and smaller with time.  Here's some advice from someone who's been there.  There will come a day, I promise you, when you will say -- "What did I ever see in him?" and "It all worked out for the best." <--- especially this.  When you do get down the road and your heart is open again and meet that new guy, you'll be saying that!

Visit my website www.susandunn.cc/vivoperlei.htm and read about music and healing.  Music goes where no words can ever go, to the center.  This heartbreak is what most great opera is all about.  Don't be afraid of the sadness in other words, it will change.  It shouldn't last too long.  Maybe a couple more months. ...

I think you have it figured out right.  You aren't telling me you don't WANT to love again (shutting down your heart would be the worse thing to do, allowing yourself to become bitter - and that is a choice), just that you CAN'T right now.  It simply isn't there.

But it will be before long!  Write and let me know how it goes.

I'm sorry this happened to you.
Susan
www.susandunn.cc