Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 8/28/2007

Question
I have some complex questions.

1. Why do you think there is so much divorce nowadays? Why aren't people working out their problems. Are problems nowadays the same problems as thirty years ago? Maybe there are new problems, but some of the same problems have got to be there, such as money, housing, education, children, career, sex, vacations, trust, respect, incompatibility, etc. What was it about the old days that made people want to stick and work it out, or was it just stigma of divorce.

2. Also why do you think there is so much infedility nowadays? Every single man I have been in love with has cheated on me. I am getting really sick of it! And I know my guy friends have all been cheated on by women as well. It is sad...do people have no respect for thier bodies anymore...or is it because theres a lot more sexual freedom and casual hookups/having "fun" is acceptable to many different people now?

3. What do you think of the practice of arranged marriages? (The kind where your parents hook you up with someone.) It seems to work very well in certain countries such as Japan or India, I see a lot of happy couples so it can't be all that bad. One of my friends had an arranged marriage and she and her husband just adore each other. Maybe they got lucky? or her parents just knew what she liked? Also the divorce rate in arranged marriages is almost nonexistant. Do you think the parents are experienced and wise about making good decisions? Or is it just the stigma again.

4. Is it wiser to marry someone of your own race, religion, culture, traditions, political beliefs, upbringing, educational status, nationality, etc. in order to have a smoother marriage and family structure and better way to raise your kids?

Like to know you're thoughts.
Thank you, regards, Julie

Answer
Such big questions.  It's kind of like you are answering them for yourself, but I'll take a swing at it - briefly, because of space constraints.  Any of these questions warrants a book.

#1. This society has gone through incredible changes since - oh lets say World War II, just to name a date.  Two important ones being birth control and women being accepted in to the workplace at decent wages.  30 years ago?  Well, the effects of the workforce thing were becoming more apparent then.  By then there were more good-paying jobs for women?  These things don't happen overnight; there still isn't real parity.  These two changes freed women from being dependent on men economically (and thereby bound to marriage), and also disconnected "sex" from "babies,” and “babies” from “marriage,” as far as that goes.  (You have to answer the question - why marriage in the first place.  What was/is the benefit to a society that propounds it?)  

There is also social pressure – religion changes – the Roman Catholic church, for instance.  Cultural changes - people began to move around more (more people back then lived and died in the same town, sometimes even the one their own parents live and died in), and when you move you learn new things, and new ways of doing things - or when someone from a new culture moves in to your home town.  There is an old song that goes, “How are you gonna keep them down on the farm after they’ve seen Paree [Paris]?”  There were a lot of divorces when the GIs returned from that war.  From my personal observation, likewise with Vietnam.  By the 70s people were really on-the-move, i.e., more jobs where the man got relocated every couple of years, for instance. I’ve heard this cited as further weakening the nuclear family.  You lose a lot of external social support when you have to move around a lot.  One reason we stand up in church to marry, is to enlist the support of the congregation in making it work.   

Yes, there used to be quite a stigma to divorce.  Ergo, in 1946 a man I know's father told him, "If you get a divorce you will never get hired by a decent law firm."  He stayed married and he went on to have his own firm which, in turn, would not hire a divorced man (by then it was the early 60s).  (They would also not have hired a woman.  I’d say even by the early 60s there were ‘no’ women lawyers, doctors, engineers or physicists.  Check it out.)  Pretty heavy pressure and it was real.  There also was an opening up in communication.  What you can hear about, you can consider.  (One reason Pizarro was able to capture Atahuallpa on Atahuallpa’s own land, surrounded by 80,000 of his own men v. Pizarro’s 160 men, was that Atahuallpa’s society had no literature and no exposure to any other country’s history, and so Atahuallpa could not conceive of what was about to happen and was therefore “naïve.”)  This has been exacerbated by the Internet and nearly-instantaneous global communication.  30 years ago it was considered impolite to discuss sex, religion and politics.  Now there's the web ...   

There was a divorce wave after WW II.  Wasn’t the next one about 30 years ago?  And now the children of those divorces are grown (isn’t the divorce rate now almost 50%?)  (It should be noted that, as in the above economic thing, most divorces are filed by women.)  While this generation tells me what a heavy toll it took, and while no one marries with the intention of divorcing (do they?), it sets a pattern … when things get tough, you jump ship?  Combine this with #1 – maybe they’re divorcing because of the infidelity .. that seems like a nasty loop there.  There are even a growing number of people, I think, who don’t value marriage or even want it.  There is now a large number of single adults in the US and this is predicted to increase in the coming decade.  I believe this is the first time in history this has happened – more single adults than married adults.  Again, check it out.  Women don’t have to have a husband to support them, and men don’t have to have a marriage to get sex…so … if that’s all you want marriage for, you no longer have to have marriage.  And if the marriage becomes problematical, bail.  “Till the going gets rough do we part …”  We may be rethinking what marriage is for … What is especially ironic to me is the research report that the happiest people are married men (then single women, then single men, then married women) AND marriage is particularly good for the health of men.  Married men live longer and enjoy better health.  You would think they would value it more, wouldn’t you. But it's women and men both, as you say.  The last research I saw on marital infidelity said the number of women engaging in it (or reporting it - you never know about data) had risen and was approaching equal.  (Again, check it out.  I don't have these data at my fingertips right now.)  30 years ago a woman who slept around would've been ostracized from the bridge group.  Now?  Are there still any bridge groups?  Oh my.  The changes ...

#2.  Because it’s more available and there’s less stigma attached to it. (We are social animals, and social pressure really does make a difference.)  It’s always been around.  Your grandparents just didn’t talk about it.  Now everyone does.  The media hypes it.  Desensitization … every time you turn around you hear about it, and it becomes less of a shock each time (if it was).  People used to be ashamed of things they now boast about …  As I recall, it abated a bit with herpes and then the AIDS scare, but people forget and we move on to other problems … they’ll forget all about the hurricanes in lower Alabama in a short while, and real estate will boom again.   For those who are indecisive, a few “but everyone else is” can tip the scale.  

#3.  Now THAT'S an interesting question.  I agree with what you say. All of the above!

#4.  Wouldn't you think so?  I mean just common sense.  It's one less thing to worry about. (A TON less things to worry about!)  I happen to think it's a good idea to put some thought in to whom you marry, and to consider those things you list.  I don't know that everyone does.  Some people put more thought in to buying their winter coat than they do into whom they choose to marry.  And if these emotionally-charged items don't rear their ugly head at first (the honeymoon stage), just wait till you start raising kids.  All of a sudden these things can matter a whole lot.  The catch though, is that getting all that in line does not guarantee it will work ... and you and I also know some marriages that work where none of that is in line. Can any two people who love each other make a marriage work?  You tell me.  P.S.  Personally, I don't think "race" matters that much, per se, because it's only skin deep.  To the degree it affects those other things, yes.    

Lastly, because you are clearly interested in such things, you might enjoy reading “Guns, Germs, and Steel: The Fates of Human Societies,” by Jared Diamond.  He spends a lot of time talking about proximate cases and ultimate causation … sometimes what looks like “the cause” is not the real cause, there's something else going on.  He teaches you how to reason through things.  Great book!

I regret that I don't have time to track down data and cite references.  Like there may be close to as many single adults now as married, or that this is predicted to happen in the next 10 years ... anyway, it's growing.  Well, interesting questions.  I hope this is a start for you to pursue and study more.  Read on!  

What are your thoughts?  I'd like to know.  

Susan