Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 4/22/2007

Question
I have read prior questions and i beleive they all give great advice. I have some of the same problems in a lot of them, and one actually blew me away because i realized how much our stories were the same. Mine is just a little more in depth, so here goes.

In highschool, yea i was yound and dumb and fell in love for the first time at the age of 15, to (fake name) Eric. We both told each other we loved each other, and we were on and off for 2 and a half years .. we would talk for 3 months, get mad at each other over something dumb, date for another couple months and it would be the same cycle..We would see each other, hang out and realize how much we missed each other. But the same thing would happen. He would be a complete jerk and ignore me.  i even punched him in the face each time because he would ignore me in front of all my friends, and then ignore my phone calls. but we always ended up coming back to each other.so finally... after the last time.. he found someone else.

They dated for 5 years. They supposively had a baby together, and even tho i knew all this my feelings were not going away. Id think of him always, wishing i would see him again (i moved away to college and dated other guys as well) and for some reason i always had this gut instict that he would try to hop back into my life. Guess what? He did.

I was living with my current boyfriend at the time, and things were going great. Eric had found me on myspace and sent me a message. My heart leaped out of my chest. After 5 years, he contacted me just like i knew he would. I asked my current b/f if i could call the number he left me in order to see how things were going with the baby and such and to see how his life was. My b/f agreed. I called him.

Wouldnt u know, every single feeling i had for him came rushing back. We talked for hours on end. He told me how always hoped he would see me again. He always smelled me when i wasnt there, and couldnt beleive how gorgeous i was.He even brought up the first time we told each other we loved each other, and proceeded into telling me i was the very first person he had truly loved. I asked him about the baby... and his ex gf who he said he was no longer with. They broke up about a couple months ago before he contacted me. They dated all those 5 years we didnt speak, and the baby, well it wasnt his. But he still acts like the father to it and loves him witha ll his heart. As for her, shes a cheating liar to him and he tries his best to not communicate with her, but does for the child. And i beleive this is where my problem comes in...

I broke up with my boyfriend, because i told him i didnt think it was fair that i did  still love him, but had feelings for eric. it just wasnt right. We have since gone our seperate ways.

eric  asked if i wanted to meet up, and i did. I travled back home one weekend for this, and we hung out. We ended up talking about everything in the past. How much we missed each other and couldnt beleiev we were talking again. we went for dinner all weekend and spent every moment together. It was great. When we kissed again for the first time i couldnt beleive how much it actually meant to the both of us. But it was innocent and it felt perfectly right.

We than began dating, we agreed to take things slow because he did just get out of the long relationship and i had broke up with my boyfriend. We just wanted to see if in fact what we were feeling was true. Wafter 3 months, i was getting antsy and wondering why he didnt pay attention to me as often, and we made plans to go to NYC one weekend and he completely blew me off and said he had last minute plans. WE got into a very huge fight, screaming at each other on the phone, he called me psycho and the whole bit. I was more ticked off because i drove 2 hrs from college to drive home because we made plans and confirmed them.

So i didnt talk to him for a couple weeks. I told myself to not answer his calls or texts liek he ususally did every morning. But I did. I wasnt strong enough and i wanted so badly to make this work that i answered his texts and we were back into the groove of things of dating each other and seeing each other. He wanted to floy my out to texas with him to spend thanksgiving with him and his grandmother and family but couldnt because i had work. he made me beleive that things were going to work out between us... and we even had plans to Spend christmas with his family. I was excited to be doing all of this. But then, he would say we would do something and plans wouldnt go thru, he said he would call and he never did. I finally got fed up again and stopped talking for 2 weeks. He didnt try to contact me either.

After about 2 weeks, i tried to bring up my feelings to him to tell him i dont understand why weve been dating for 7 months now and still nothing has happened. We text each other everyday a good mrning and we occasionally would tell each other we missed each other when i was away at college. I would come home on weekends and would see him at least once for a couple hours, but he said he was always busy and all this. I then finally backed off.

He told me he wanted to be friends. I told him i couldnt because my feelings were too strong for him to look at him like a friend. For some reason he keeps telling me he doesnt want to lose me as a friend. The thing that kills me is the fact that "friends" to him is hanging out like one time in two weeks, texting me everyday, and calling me to see how im doing...He doesnt do this other girls, at least thats what he has led me to beleive. Every time ive been at his house since we said we were just "friends" he always enjoys cuddling with me and eating dinner, watching tv, and then eventually one thing would lead to another. The upsetting part about this is that when we are together were happy and teasing each other, we talk about our lives, and he seems to interested in what i do. And when things happen between us, its very sweet and gentle. He then would want me to stay the night because he didnt want to let go of cuddling with me. he said i made all his worries dissapear when hes with me, and sleeping isnt hard to do because i gave him a sense of security. I do beleive he cares about me. But why the runaround???

Then yesterday, he called me to go dirt bike riding with his friends last minute. I told him no, that i had made plans. I then asked him what he was doing afterwards. He said he was hanging out with his "friend" Carissa. Listen, i know im not his grilfriend, thats why i didnt freak out when he told me that, because i dont want him to feel he has to stop seeing his friends. He told me she was a friend from a long time ago he hasnt seen in a while, so i brushed it off my shoulder. He said he was going to call me when he was done dirt bike riding.

As i was out with my friends last night, he texted me pictures from the dirt bike ride of the sun setting, and the city lit up at night. He even called me right after. I was still out with my friends. he said he was going to call carissa then and see what was going on. So he never ended up calling me back.....

This morning i called him to see if maybe we could spend some time together since i havent seen him in two weeks. But he said he was busy right then. I asked him what he did last night and he said that carissa just came over. The odd part about it was tht he called me around 12 :30 pm letting me know he was done dirt biking. SO a person would assume she went to his house around 1 am????

I hate assuming, but its so hard to beleive nothing happened with them last night. I knew we are just friends, but i cant get the thought out of my head because of how much he means to me.

The question is.... How come when i start to show no interest he finds a way back to getting me in the position he wants me in? Why is it that when i see myself in a good relationship, he tries to come back into my life?  I am extremely baffled by my situation. Crying all the time wondering what it is that i could do in order have him want to be in a realtionship with me? I feel like an absolute fool because im always there when he wants me to be, and i am always there answering his calls. I have tried taking his number out of my phone but he still finds a way to say something sweet to me to make me come back. i just want to be strong. IM sick of thinking of him all the time wondering whats going to happen next...

HELP ME PLEASE!!!


Answer
Dear Ashley,

I quit reading your note after a couple of paragraphs because -- and I want you to GET THIS -- the particulars don't matter and it was boring to read.  What he's putting out is BS, and I turn that stuff off immediately.  Why don't you?

He's a master at giving "the line," and so if you listen, you'll get sucked in.  Why?  Because it's what he does and he's good at it.  Don't think you can maneuver through it.  You can't.  You just have to get rid of it.    

Therefore the answer is to shut him out completely.  Give him the edge and he'll suck you back in, so don't listen.  

Remove everything you have that reminds you of him.  Tear up his letters and burn his photograph.  Get his name out of your cell, and don't answer his phone calls.  If he leaves a message, do not listen to it, erase it immediately. Avoid any contact with him like the plague because that's what he is.   

Put a rubber band on your wrist and snap yourself every time you even THINK of him, just to remind you that he is very bad news and that you are going to suffer each time that you do.

On the positive side, it would be optimal if you could have a ritual for ending it (burning, literally or figuratively, all his garbage) and then take a vacation, to clear your head.  

Because this is difficult, I want you to observe what happens as you fail to do what I suggest.  The key is -- when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired over this.  Each time to let him suck you back in, note and analyze how much you suffer, how disorienting and dissappointing it is, how little he has to give, and how disgusted you are at yourself for getting back in once again.  In other words, notice what this does to you.  

The hook they use is this kind of intense emotional thing, and if you enjoy it, there's something wrong with you because you aren't taking it all into consideration.  What is a "a sweet word" when it has absolutely nothing behind it but grief?  The little good that he gives, which is phoney in the first place, in no way makes up for all the bad.  

I hope you come to your senses soon.  

Good luck!
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc