Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 6/6/2007

Question
QUESTION: Hello,

In graduate school I dated a man for about two months, fell very much in love with him but never told him how I felt about him since it seemed like he did not want a serious relationship. He always treated me very well and was very affectionate and loving, everyone told me 'wow he's really in love with you' but we never talked about feelings or anything, because he didn't want a serious girlfriend. It did seem like he was falling in love with me, but I can't read minds. We had an amazing connection, never tired of each others presence. He was very gentle and sweet with me. He would hold me and kiss me tenderly all through the night.

One day he just coldly dumped me out of the blue, that was quite a shock, and I quit talking to him. He said the reason he wanted to break up was because he was too stressed out in getting his doctorate, but I strongly suspected it was another woman (instincts don't lie) so I completely stopped talking to him and avoided him. You see, I am a virgin, and he is not, so he probably got tired of waiting for me to sleep with him, I just assumed he moved on to someone else for sex because I was always seeing him with this one girl who looked exactly like his ex-girlfriend and the way they were acting it made me think there was something more. It's all speculation though.

In the following weeks/months he did make some small attempts such as asking me to dinner, emailng me a few times asking me to go to small events with him, hugging me when he saw me, and whenever he ran into me it seemed like he was about to kiss me and then would stop himself at the last minute.

I transferred to another school in another state, before I left, he met me before I left to go the airport to say goodbye. It was very sad. I wrote him a short email the day I left saying that he was the first man that ever made me happy, that I enjoyed our time together, that I would miss him, and best of luck for the future. I signed the email, "love always, Anna" and I didn't hear from him for about a month so I figured he didn't care, and I tried to move on and meet other men.

Yesterday a song came on the radio, it was his favorite song...it made me think of him and it made me cry. I was very sad. I signed online and saw there was a reply to my message from him, saying sorry it had taken him so long to get back to me but he had exams, asking me how I was at the new school, saying that he really missed me very much, and signed it "Love always, Marc". Well we had never discussed feelings and definitely not the "L" word.

So what do you think. Why do you think now after all this time, he writes me saying that stuff. Is he just doing it to be polite and a courteous response?

Or maybe he is having some regret in breaking up with me, because you never value something until you lose it?

Should I respond to him or just not reply since he is the past, despite still being in love with him, he may have been cheating on me, but either way the way he dumped me was really abrupt when he was so loving before. Why is he trying to keep contact now, that's weird. What is the wise thing to do?

-Anna

ANSWER: Dear Anna,
These things are always so sad.  I'm sorry this happened to you.  The wise thing to do?  Get closure on it, and it is going to be up to you.  It looks like he isn't going to go away, but he also isn't going to come forward, so it's up to you to end it, for yourself.  You can wait a determined amount of time for him to reply with something definitive -- like 2 months.  Then close that chapter of your life, grieve it, and be ready for a man who appreciates you and loves you in return, and is ready to make a committment.  As symbolic, clean out a closet, your house, the garage or something and make a space for something new and wonderful.  (It works.)
Take care dear,
Susan
www.susandunn.cc


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks for the response Susan. Yes, it is odd that he would contact me now, I mean we broke up months ago! What do you think is the reason for this sudden email - a slight tinge of regret now that he has lost me?

When you said get closure on it, what did you mean. Write him back? Or not reply at all. If I wrote him back what should I say?

Do you think he ever loved me. Or was he just a player.
ANSWER: Dear Anna,

He is young.  He loved you, but may not really know how to love yet.  Men mature very late! You may think of love as a feeling (which partly it is), but marital love is about learning how to love (because you won't always feel it!)  

He will think of you always, and you may hear from him over the years.  You will probably hear from him if you write him back.  It's probably too early to say for sure whether he's a "player" or not.  Doesn't sound like it from what you say.  Maybe he just got scared.  Also they will take a woman for comfort, etc. while in grad school -- and then (sadly) move on, so you want to make sure this doesn't happen to you again.  CLearly he did have feelings for you.  But note -- he can EMAIL that he loves you but he cannot say it.  This is "fantasy."  Things are very safe from faraway and in email land.  

By closure, I mean start ending it -- for yourself, the heck with him.  Start telling yourself it's over and working through all those feelings.  It isn't like turning off a switch.  Maybe you already have.  

No, I would not write him back, but that's me.  If you DO write him back, I suspect he will string you along.  Men that aren't going to commit will keep you at a certain distance.  You move closer, he'll move back.  You move back, he'll move closer. (This is what is happening now, if you'll notice.)  It will drive you mad and is an experience you can do without having.  

If he is truly interested in you, he will act like it - take action, see you, speak words, become reliable, etc.  (Get some coaching on this from me if you want to know more.)

The main thing here is not to analyze him, but to process things on your behalf.  You did not set this up as something to lead to marriage, and I don't know if you know that or not.  If you want marriage, you have to behave in a different way.  (Let me know if you want some coaching.)

I would suspect that with this guy you broke some rule you never break.  True?  Also, think back on the signs with this guy ... so you won't be fooled again. If you think about it, you'll remember things he said that made you think "uh oh" and then you ignored it.  Some of this can only be learned the hard way - and through the retrospectroscope.   

Some are the marrying kind and some aren't.  This applies to both women and men.  And if you want marriage, you structure it differently (it's courtship, not dating), and this structures it for both of you -- to lead to marriage.  

I wouldn't write him back, but that's me.  Some people recommend telling them what they did wrong, but I think it's better to save your breath.  If he wanted to come back, and wanted to know what he did wrong, that's a different thing.  If that happened, and you took him back, it's written in the contract that he is serious, and that this is about marriage.  

As it is, are you ready to get him out of your mind?  Tear up his pictures.  Block his email.  Get rid of anything he gave you.  Remove his cell number from your list.  Otherwise this torture (uncertainty) will continue.  

Good luck!
Susan Dunn
sdunn@susandunn.cc

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION:
Susan,
From what I've told you, do you think there was another woman? Do you think he cheated on me?

Also, if he's such a player, then how come he is contacting me now?

Answer
Dear Anna,

Cheated on you when?  You only went with him for 2 mos. you said.  Did he ask for an exclusive relationship with you and articulate it?  I mean was that put into words?  You may have thought you had an exclusive relationship, and he did not.

You said instincts don't lie and ".. it seemed like he did not want a serious relationship."  It's best to take care, Anna, that you do not get serious about men who are not planning to get serious.

I don't know why he is contacting you now.  I can only speculate.  Perhaps he misses you. Maybe he was lonely one night.  Nevertheless, words aren't worth much, especially via email. Someone can write "love always" as a throwaway line.    

If not a "player," he could be a "stringer," which is really harder on one's heart.  "Players" you recognize more quickly.  Stringing you along can go on a long time, and you read things into what they say.  Never read ANYTHING into ANYTHING a guy says.  Be sure they manifest it with actions.        

I always think the kindest thing to do when you break up with someone is to make a clean break of it.  No half-hugs, no attempted-kisses, no asking you to dinner.  If he doesn't want you, the decent thing to do is to leave you alone, and let you get on with your life.  It is very unkind to break up with someone, and then string them, when there is nothing backing it up.  If you think he actually means something by "love always" the question would be ... "and so?"  As in -- "and what are we going to do about this?"  Why bring it up now, after time, and when you are miles apart?  Well, it's safe ...  I'm sorry to say it is more likely a meaningless phrase.  He has really done nothing here in this email except lead you on.  As you write it, he has suggested nothing about getting together or making a go of it.  Perhaps he's a player, perhaps he's a stringer, perhaps he wishes he were able to have a mature relationship but he is not ... whatever it is, you've got to have more than this to go on.

Best,
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc