Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 11/22/2007

Question
QUESTION: could you help ? I was in a long distance relationship with a 39 yr old single mom , ( I'm 41 and a single dad ) I was a bit stand-offish during our first yr together , but warmed up to merging our families the second yr , I was soon found to have an illness this lasted several mths  , the treatments made me ill ,I didn't want her to see me like that Iasked her for a short break while I thought of my different opinions it only took me 2 weeks before I realized I never wanted to be away from her , she wouldn't take my calls after 4 weeks we met and had the most passionate day , we both professed our love and plans to stay together , I believe she misunderstood me when asked her what i had to do to have her back, she said call me in a few weeks and we'll get together , 2 days later she calls and says she's been seeing someone and wants to stay w/ him as he has promised to stay with her.. I tried to call her and write her and all the push -pull stuff but when we spoke last she was angry with me for throwing her away and asked me to not contact her again. this has broken my heart , I've done everything I ever promised her and am getting ready to have surgery to correct my illness , I don't know how to reach out to her and not either make her more angry or wind up in trouble .. I have a portrait that i drew for her and never gave it to her, perhaps if i sent it with a simple note like " I drew this for you mths ago and forgot to bring it the last time we saw each other. I would like for you to have it , hope all is well" and then waiting another month to try to call her.. does this sound like a good way to go ?? My plate is very full and I've tried to move on but its hard ... what should I do ?

ANSWER: Dear Steve,

I'm sorry to hear about this and about your illness. I hope the surgery corrects it.

There are several things in here that make it difficult for a woman to trust and hang on.  The ambivalence of the first year, and then disappearing when you were ill.  For future reference, anything 'emotional' like that (your illness) is when a woman wants to be with you.  If you go through it together, you are likely to bond forever.  Those things break, or make, relationships.  You did it for perfectly justifiable reasons.  However, it abandoned her, in essence.   

Anything I'm saying is in retrospect, and things you've probably picked up on yourself, from the sad course of this relationship.

I honestly do not know what you can do.  For most women, once they move on with their feelings to another man, the first relationship is over.  Note that she says that man "has promised to stay with her," and you see the deal there.  For future use, probably.

If I were you, I would back off for a while.  Like a couple of months.  Let the other relationship play itself out, for good or for ill.  He may not actually stay with her either - well many things can happen.  Take the time to figure out your intentions and feelings, so that you know what you want.  Then contact her.  And there is nothing that replaces "I love you, will you marry me?"  If that's how you feel.  You can understand that she would not want to get back on the rollercoaster.  I'm sure you wouldn't either.  

We all learn many lessons in dating.  I know that's not helpful at this point. On the other hand, we often find that things work out for the best in the long run, though painful at the time.  I hope this turns out to be true for you.  

P.S.  I am coaching several women right now who asked the man "no more contact," and he continued.  This is NOT well-received.  It is perceived as disrespect.  She asked you not to contact her, and that is what she meant.  What should you do?  Not contact her.  (right now :-)  )

If you'd like personal coaching, let me know, sdunn@susandunn.cc .    

All the best,
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc
sdunn@susandunn.cc



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: thanks for the reply , so,I shouldn't send the portrait after 6 -7 weeks no contact ? and wait another month to try to call her ?  also why would she sleep w/ me during the first 4 weeks of her new relationship ? (the new guy found out.)

Answer
Dear Steve,

I do not know why she would do that.  Whenever you are confused in a relationship, it's not a good sign.  I think the two of you are still in the push-pull.  I can't figure it out either.  What do you want?  Marriage?  Continuing the relationship the way it was?  Your strategy would be different in either case.  

Analyze whether you just want things you can't have.  That's a good thing in life to get over, as it causes lots of unnecessary suffering.

Would you want a woman who starts in with a new guy and then comes back and sleeps with you, then tells you no more contact?  Is this a quality that appeals to you?

At any rate, emotions like "anger" don't last too long, and I'd let it cool down a bit before taking action if you decide to.  

Think back on a time when you were on the other end of this scenario - how you felt about the other person, what they did, what did and did not work.  Last-ditch efforts are generally exactly the wrong thing to do.  

As I said, I am coaching a couple of women now who told the guy "no more contact," and at first were furious, and now are getting, well, disgusted about the whole thing.  They said "no more contact," and have not been heard. This is not to say where the problem lies.  Those ambivalent, turbulent, push-pull things are really a nightmare.  It is sometimes best just to extricate yourself.  For a time, or forever.  

If you'd like personal coaching on this, let me know at sdunn@susandunn.cc .  Best to work through these things step-by-step, and I would need a little more information.

All the best,
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc
sdunn@susandunn.cc