Expert: Rhapsody Love - 7/12/2004

Question
I have been married 3 times, have been divorced and alone for nearly 3 years and would like to start looking for a decent man. how do i go about this when in a very small town?


Answer
Hi Sarah,

If I were you, I'd start by looking back at the last 3 marriages and figure out what went wrong. Apparently, you didn't think they were the wrong choice when you chose them. Give it some good thought and write it down - separately for each husband. Ask yourself these questions.:

* What attracted you to him?
* What was right about him?
* What went wrong with the marriage?
* How much of it could have been foreseen before you got married if you knew what you know now?
* Considering what you knew before you got married, if you knew what you know now about marriage in general but not about his personality, would you still marry him?
* If there was something about his personality that you didn't know before you got married that you would have like to have known before you got married, how could you have learned it? What could you have said or done that would have caused you to bring it out in him?
* How much of the trouble in the marriage could have been avoided or resolved if you acted differently?
* What is it you could have done differently and will do differently in a future relationship?
* What problems could you not have foreseen? What would you do in the future if unforeseen problems like that come up in a future relationship?

Remember, a marriage takes two. If you can't see anything that you could've done better or you think it was primarily each of these men's fault and not yours, then what makes you think you could make another marriage work? Ultimately, you have no control over the behavior of another; you only have control over yourself. You apparently would really like marriage and a monogomous relationship, but it is not for everyone. Why do you want it? What benefit do you get out of it? What are you willing to give up to have it? You do have to give to get.

To find Mr. Right (or just a nice guy who has something in common with you) when you live in a small town, you may have to go beyond the town you live in. Think about the qualities you'd like in a man. Where would he be? Would he live in a small town? What would he being doing if he was there? Remember, men don't think the same way women do, so he wouldn't be doing what you'd be doing and he wouldn't be going to places you'd be going - you have to think like a man to figure this one out.

Do you want a man who is actively looking? Would the man who would be right for you be the kind of man to resort to dating services? Would he be online? Below is the advice that I've given many men who've asked me for advice, but if your ideal man might not be actively looking, you might want to think where his sister or mother or best friend might be and how you could approach them to let them know you're looking and worthy of sharing the information with him.:

Where might this person be, work, go for recreation?  Would this person attend a church or other religious organization and if so, what kind (conservative, liberal - or you might try Unitarian Universalist where people of many faiths worship together)?

Would that person be looking for you on the internet?  If so, check out

http://dmoz.org/Society/Relationships/Dating/Personals/

- there are loads of places to go on the internet where you can get a profile and even search by location as well as interest.  You can get to know the person anonymously first; read

http://www.ou.edu/oupd/kidsafe/websafe.htm

and

http://www.sanfords.net/Mom_Dear/Dating_on_the_Internet.shtml

before trying this out. These links were made for dating teens, but the advice is good for anyone.

Good luck!

- Joyce