Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 8/31/2007

Question
QUESTION: I have been dating this guy for about 3 months now.  He is 27 was divorced a year and a half ago. (I am 23) He bought me a diamond necklace after two months and then bought me a plane ticket to go with him back to his home town where his parents still live.  He was very affectionate and was always kissing me or holding my hand, but since the trip two weeks ago, I haven't really heard from him.  Towards the end of the trip, he just stopped giving me kisses or showing any kind of affection.  What happened?  Was it something I did or did he just scare himself or what?  I am so confused!

ANSWER: Wow ... and ouch.  I'm sorry to hear about this one.  Best-case scenario, it had a good impact on him, though a bit scary, and he's gone off to sort out his feelings.  

Worst-case scenario (if you want him) ... "what happened?" On that, we can only speculate.  Too soon after his divorce?  You let him rush things and didn't pace it right?  

A man in a transition (post-divorce) doesn't always know what he wants, or what he's doing, and does stuff like that - disappears.  (If you pressure them, you often get, "Just be my friend" - though of course they have willingly accepted the whole package.)  

I would seriously doubt it's anything you did, except that it's better to pace things out more slowly.  Like too early to be taking a trip with a guy.  One of the reasons why is that it can be threatening (which may have happened here) and rather than sort it out, they may bolt and run.    

Let me know how it goes,
Warm regards,
Susan
www.susandunn.cc/internetdatingcoach.htm  



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Since I do really like him still, is there anything I can do (or should/ should not do) to keep him from getting scared away and continue dating him?  I don't think I am ready to give up on him yet.

Answer
Dear Kate,

I'm behind you 100% ... and I like the way you simply state that you don't think you are ready to give up on him yet.

I can only surmise what MIGHT be going on here ... by what you say and I sure can't read this guy's mind.      

You don't mention anything in particular happening on this trip that might have made him disconnect ... like his parents not liking you, or something you said or did that he obviously did not like?  This is talking about his reaction only ... for instance I had a male client tell me that when a woman he thought he liked a lot expected him to open the car door for her, it turned him off completely.  I don't think there's a 'right' or 'wrong' to that, just preferences and personality.  But at any rate, something happened that he found intolerable, boom!  just like that.  Anything like that happen?  While I hope it's not true, you can't dismiss that maybe he decided you weren't the woman for him.  

If that's not what you think happened, let's assume he's too new out of the divorce.  That will be our working hypothesis.  Once you start taking trips, it changes things.  If you read my column here, you've heard me say "If you want to be a wife, don't act like a wife until you ARE a wife, or you won't BE a wife."  (I don't know if you want marriage, or marriage with this guy.)  Now, lets theorize that the trip scared him.  "Too much too soon."  When someone is just out of a divorce, the timeframe for healing differs. It takes as long as it takes.  Men are particularly bad about jumping the gun because, as a generality, they can't stand to be alone or deal with the feelings.  The general formula for recovery used to be 1 year for every 3 years of marriage.  From what I've seen, it takes a lot longer than that for some people.  

So lets say you have a guy who is really in a transition, with all that goes along with that.  He gets skittish easily, he's leery.  Divorce hurts, it has a sting to it, no matter how it ends.  NOBODY goes in to a marriage wanting a divorce.  It's one of the harder things in life we have to deal with and it takes time to heal.  Until one does, there are bad memories, reminders, anger, fear, failure, low self-esteem, guilt, blaming and shaming, denial, a stew of negative feelings.  

If you hope to woo him back, you'll have to use your feminine intuition.  You have used the word 'scared'.   Some people live the rest of their life with the mentality, "once burned, twice learned."  They simply can't make themselves go through it again. They can walk up to it, but they can't stay there.  If someone's like that, the more they like you, the more they are going to run, and this is a formula for a lose-lose.  Be checking that out.  You'll get the feeling that the better it gets, the worse it's getting and that you can't "win".

So back to our hypothesis - he's "scared."  I'll turn this question back to you.  From your experience, how do you deal with someone who's scared?  How do you deal with a child who's scared of dogs?  A dog who's terrified of water hoses?  When your cat won't go in to a certain room where it got its tail stepped on?  It takes a lot of patience, finesse, ingenuity, and a good deal of luck.  There are also no guarantees anything YOU do, will make a difference.  I could guide you through some ideas in coaching, it's a little hard here, but I'll try.  (email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc if you are interested).  

Lets say he comes back, calls you.  One thing you need is time ... time for him to get a bit farther away from the divorce.  He rushed himself on this one (a diamond necklace at 2 months?  That's too soon.  A trip at 3 mos?  Also too soon.)  Slow him down.  Slow the pace down.  Stay calm and optimistic yourself.  Keep the dates light and short.  No trips.  Be alert to signs he's getting uneasy.  You can attempt to talk through some of it and see if that gets you anywhere.  You know how they say "timing is everything?"  There's some truth to that, and you may have just caught this guy at the wrong time.  

If you think this is worth it, those are some ideas.  Generally speaking the person has to heal himself.  I hope he does.  Again, I can't read his mind and what's going on with him.  I can only go on the fact that you picked up that he might be "scared."  

You also need to rule out that maybe something happened on the trip that made him think the two of you were not compatible after all.  Again, that's not saying you did anything "wrong."  Just that it's a two-way street.  

Give it another round if you like, but remember, you don't want to lose yourself, in order to "have" him.  

That's all I can think of.  
Good luck!
Susan