Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 4/10/2007

Question
Hello,

My boyfriend and I really loved each other a lot, and he used to go out
of his way to make me happy. Always kissing me and taking me out nice
places, doing nice things for me, always letting me know he really loved
me. He never flirted with other women or tried to get me to do anything
I didn't want to do. He always let me know he loved me.

A lot of people told me he was falling in love with me way too fast and
it was too much too soon. I'm not sure why they would make that
comment?

We were dating for five months. One day out of the blue one day he said
he was really stressed out, that something really stressful was going
on in his life, he didnt really want to talk about it at the moment and
it had nothing to do with me and "we need a break" I was surprised but
basically cut him out of my life assuming it was a breakup. And if he
was telling the truth...I know men need their space so I gave him his
space.

All the guys at my school and all of his guy friends came and told me
that no, it wasn't a breakup, he had told all of them that we were just
seperated at the moment, he was going through a bad time, and he wanted
to get back together with me after he got his life back in order, that
he just didn't have the time to devote to me now and didn't want to
drag me down into his problems.

Two of his female friends asked me if I was still dating him, and I
said no he had broken up with me, and they all looked at each other and
smirked and then quickly changed the subject. What the hell? I had heard
rumors earlier that they were romantically interested in him but not
sure. I have no idea.

His other female friends came up to me and told me that he had told
them that it really was a breakup for good, that it was over, it just
wasn't working, so he wanted out. They said that I deserve way better than
that scoundrel anyway.

Ok I am so confused. What the hells going on? I don't know who's
telling the truth here, the guys or the girls.

Oh yeah, and so basically I have been avoiding him. One day when I was
in the library I was looking extra beautiful because I had dressed up
all sexy, and I was talking to one of my guy friends (he happens to be a
model so he's gorgeous) and he saw me talking to him looking all hot
and sexy, he looked at me and smirked at me as he passed by. What the
hell?

The next day I saw him on the soccer field, all his friends came up and
hugged me and he hugged all my friends, but he would not talk to me,
look at me, or hug me. In fact he would not look me in the eye. Weird.

The next day I was in line for food in the cafeteria with my back to
him. I didn't know he was behind me until I heard a guy calling out my
name when I sat down, it was him and he asked if he could eat dinner with
me. There was no way I could avoid him because I was sitting there with
my food already.

I didnt wanna ask him "where are we" and "what happened" in a public
place (although if i asked no one could hear us but still it just didnt
feel like the right time. Plus if he wants me back its his prerogative
anyway)

Lately he has been randomly texting me asking how my classes are going,
etc. I sent him a card on his birthday and he saw me in the cafeteria
again and said thank you for the card and hugged me.

Ok...so please tell me whats going on? It's been a couple weeks since
we broke up. Is he just playing mind games with me? Or slowly trying to
creep back into my life. Keep in mind I had totally cut him out of my
life and hadn't communicated at all until this point. Does he want me in
his life as a friend? Or more?

And what the hell was up with the guys and girls telling two different
stories? Are they jealous? Telling the truth? Or just spreading gossip?

Vanessa

Answer
That is a very confusing story indeed.  

I don't know what you are after here.  Are you wanting marriage? If so, it's important not to go too fast, important that YOU slow it down so the GUY doesn't get into it emotionally too fast.  It appears to scare them.

If you want marriage you have to run the show differently.  

If you're just wanting to date and have a good time, unfortunately this sort of things happens.  Sometimes the couple breaks up, then gets back together again.  Sometimes they don't.  

I can't tell what "school" you're in, i.e., what age you are.  Even in college it's good to date around and get to know about guys.  Date around, but don't sleep around ... if you are after marriage.

I wouldn't know which to believe the guys of the girls.  You can only believe someone you trust, and it doesn't sound like any of these you do.

The main thing is that this is a crummy way to treat you, and erven with problems, a couple can stay together.  In fact life IS problems, and, as I've said before, guys who shift ballast (their WOMEN) when things get rough, are not good marriage candidats, and you are better off without them, painful as it can be.

If you want him, let him back in, but you are certainly owed an explanation.  How can you trust him now?  You'll always be thinking he'll split like that again, right?  So when there is a break like this, if you get back together again, you should have some "rules" and get some idea of what's going on with him.  I imagine you were quite involved, and then he pulled the rug out from under you.  Once is forgiveable, if he reassures you of his intent.  A second time, and he's out -- and you will be uneasy for quite a while.  

WOrk through it if you really care about him.  Anyone's entitled to a second chance.

I hope it goes well for you.

Last mpoint - this is between you and him, not the rest of the world, for heaven's sake!  

Best,
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc