Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 11/23/2007

Question
QUESTION: hi its Louise again could you tell me the next  step .you said you tell me like how about getting to know a guy with out feeling that i am not good enought.i just have absolutely no luck with and they don,t take me seriously and they don,t trust me either.what can do about this

ANSWER: Hello again Louise!

Since you didn't copy the pervious message, I have no idea what you're talking about.

I'm sorry Louise, but I get a TON of messages every single day. I can't possibly keep them all straight without knowing what has happened before.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: You're "not what they're looking for"? How do they know that if they don't get to know you? Answer: you're not making the right impression up front and thus these guys aren't getting to know you. All they see is what they DON'T want - which is what you're presenting. Do you see the difference?

You can't change your height, (well, actually, you can - more on this in a moment) but you CAN change the other things you mentioned. Your looks are easy to change, but you have to WANT to change them first. Here's the reality: your looks open the door, but they won't keep them open. You need other skills for that.

Let's start with your looks. Here's what I want you to do: DO NOT go to your girlfriend or your hairdresser for advice on your looks. I'm sorry, but here's the reality: women do stupid things with when they make-over other women. At first, I just thought it was a catty thing - that these women were actually making their friends look like clowns to push down the competition. In fact, I now believe that women just don't know what men find attractive! Let me help you here:

You're going to have to lose weight. That doesn't mean you have to go skinny at all however, but you absolutely need to get your weight down. Starting right now, you need to make the right choices in your diet, start an exercise program and drop the weight. No options here, this is a requirement.

Stop hoping that some man will just "love you for you". That's a total and complete cop-out. It's just saying that you don't want to have to invest or do anything for men to want you - you just want everything without giving anything. That's foolish thinking; and it's how losers think in the game of love. Trust me on this one: I constantly admonish men about this all the time too. You have to work on your packaging if you ever want to make it on the shelf, but that work is going to be SOOOO worth it!

With your looks, you need to do some basic things to get them up to date. First, DO NOT cut your hair off! I see women doing this all the time - they think that cutting their hair is doing something to change their looks. Well, yes it is, but here's the reality: women often choose shorter haircuts than they even have now. Beauticians even recommend this because, frankly, they only get to charge you if they actually cut your hair!

The longer your hair, the more you advertise to men that you're "available". Women think short hair looks "sophisticated" or "business-like" or that it somehow gives you credibility. Dumb, dumb, dumb! Women need to use their femininity to their advantage and long hair is the very first, and most powerful way to do that!

The shorter your hair, the more you look like a boy. If the guys you want to date are interested in little boys, they're not going to date you anyway!

So, the first rule is: GROW YOUR HAIR OUT - the longer the better!

At the very least, you need to go for shoulder-length hair. This looks "feminine". It doesn't matter whether your hair is straight, wavy, curly or even kinky - you need the length! Trust me on this. Long hair will do all sorts of things to improve your look.

You also need to get your makeup straightened out. With makeup, you want to go for subtle - not garish. Use makeup to hide small imperfections and to give your skin a nice, smooth, even tone. Use it also to help highlight your best single feature and to reduce your lesser ones. Makeup can even help you look younger, healthier and even happier! This is where a makeup counter can help you.

With your wardrobe, consider the form-fitting clothes look more than baggy or drapped clothes. Even though the bigger clothes will help hide your weight, as you lose that weight, you'll actually look better in form-fitting clothes. Consider your best assets too. Every woman has at least one of them and almost everyone has 2, 3, 4 or more. What are yours? Are you legs particularly shapely? Wear skirts that show them off. What about your feet? Are they nice with manicured toenails? Go for pumps or strapy shoes that show them off. How about your hips, waist, ass or boobs? Use these assets by getting them out there from behind baggy clothes.

Particularly if you're short, you should ALWAYS wear heels - never flat shoes. This not only gives you better height, it makes your legs look longer. If you're not comfortable walking around in heels, start practicing. You want to move with a glide rather than a gallop. Watch your posture too. Having a nice straight neck and back will add so much to your look you just can't imagine. Also, make sure you keep your nails manicured. If they are too short, it makes your fingers look short too.

All of these things are going to improve your look - and make you more "marketable" to the opposite sex. This investment in yourself is going to do something else too - it's going to greatly improve your attitude! You don't have to start off as "good looking" at all - you (and frankly, every woman) can become good looking through these simple tasks.

You have to break this cycle of thinking you're not getting what you want. You break it by making the changes I've mentioned here so far. You're on your way somewhere. Don't write to me again complaining that you're not getting what you want - you're finally on your way there so get started! Start thinking about how things will be different as you start making those changes. You should be optomistic - your future is very bright, but it all starts with you.

Give yourself some time to work on these things and in 3 to 4 weeks as you begin to get them together, contact me again and we'll go to the next step.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
YOU SAID TELL WHAT NEXT STEP IS.is that how approach a guy with out being desperate.every guy i like .seem to have girlfreind.and more couldn,t be bothared.i liked this guy for a year .next thing i knew he was boasting he had girlfreind out loud so i,d heard it that not fair that always happen to me.it makes me wounder.are they worth it at all?

ANSWER: Hello Louise!

Ok, so what have you accomplished of the things I've recommended?

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: before i start don,t men like younger girl like 17,18,19 years olf from what i ses.becuase i know alot of guys girls in ireland who perfer younger girl like 10 years younger and not my age. alot of guys reject me and i could be nice as i can be and flirt and do all that and can,t i still wind up rejected like i have being for the last 10 years .even i lost weight and dressed nice and acted nice there guartree i get guy to ask me out.from all the rejection i got in the past.it reallyb hurts and up sets me.the irish men are differnt from the americans men.i find any guy i faniced he hurted and reject me."one guy told me that there was nothing going to happen between us"you see what i mean another rejection. i was nice another guy and he told me he couldn,t be bothered with me and walk off. another guy said he didn,t like the looks of me.and he went off with tall good looking slim blond.
you see no matther  what i do i am still rejected,i like another guy and he went off asked out another girl and he was booasyting about out loud so i would hear.guys are just plain nasty to me they just don,t like me.i know another guy he 28 years and he got 15 year old girlfreind who is tall slim.i just get the feeling from guys that no matter i still rejected .i amjust fooling my self to think the likes of me would get a boyfreind .even my cousin i am only freind material that all i ever be.any girl i talk to about about guy .they kind told me i wasn,t good enough to have a boyfreind.

I AM TRYING TO DO WHAT YOU RECOMMED BUT ITS VERY HARD.
i am trying to lose weight.
i am claening my skin and washing my hair.
but i live a village where they is nothing going but christmas.
but i fell that won,t be good enough.because no matther what i do i,ll met another nasty guy who will hurt.

the guys my past think i carry disesas which i don,t.i never even got my firt kiss because  i got a fat round face. i see all the other kissing there boyfreinds.

i don,t even know what kiss feels like .and lot people do and take it for granted .it most unfair it really.i am afraid becuase i know i,ll get hurt agin you wait and see.

i was born reject.it just too hard to get a guy to like me .i lot hurt and pain and reminder or rejection satys with me every day.

i don,t think i should talk to guys any because i know they go off with some boast about it to my face .other girls are better then me.from a better backgrounds and who smarter then me.

NO MATTHER WHAT GUY I PICK I ,LL STILL GET REJECTED .LIKA ALWAYS .i ahve very low self estreem because they hurt me and reject me and nasty thing they say to me. they only evr teret me as  a  freind.ONLY AS A FREIND.

MEN WANT SEXY YOUNG GORGEOUS TALL.SLIM RICH .WHO ARE REALLY SMART NOT COUNTRY HECK LIKE ME.IT ALL CITY GUYS WHO HURT ME

Answer
Hey Louise!

Nothing you've said here is correct. You've just created all of these beliefs about yourself in your own mind. Since you believe them you actually do things to make them come about.

Louise, here's the reality: you're lazy.

You want what you want without having to do any work on your own. You want to take the easy ways out instead of doing the hard work to become the woman of some man's dreams. You give yourself all sorts of excuses as to why you're being rejected and then, just to be sure, you create situations where they manifest themselves.

Take a look at our messages back and forth for example. You want me to tell you the easy path to having what you want. When I tell you where you need to start, you just brush it off - all but ignoring it - and then come right back to crying over what you want and about how nobody will give it to you!

Another problem here is that you don't want this badly enough to do what it takes. Again, you just want easy answers. In fact, I doubt you're even reading my responses to you as you ignore most of what I say or ask.

Let me give you an example (that again, I doubt you'll even bother to read):

Let's say that you and I are sitting in a room together and I ask you to go into the next room and get me a pen. You get up, walk to the door, turn the knob and find that it's locked. So, you come back to me and say, "Sorry, I can't get you a pen - the door is locked."

Now, instead of getting a pen, imagine that your infant daughter is locked in that room and the building is on fire. Are you just going to check the knob and come back and say, "Well, I couldn't save her - the door was locked"? Of course not! You'd do everything in your power to get through that door and get your daughter out to safety.

The problems you're having stem right from the source of this story. You want what you want and you want everything to be easy so that you don't have to change or grow or do any work.

Louise, everyone is dealt a different hand in life. Just because you're not tall and georgous doesn't mean you can't be successful and have your first kiss, your first relationship, your first marriage, etc. You just have to take different steps than you have so far to get there.

What you also don't see is that by losing the weight, working on your appearance and making simple, basic changes to your attitudes and beliefs, you're also going to grow your self esteem at the same time! All of a sudden, you're going to look in the mirror one day and realize that you really aren't bad at all. Things are going to change for you dramatically at that very instant.

You've been avoiding that day all your life. It's time to stop avoiding it and to get on the road to wherever you're going. You can kid yourself as much as you want, but you can't kid me.

Stop looking for the easy solution and get your ass to work already. Get on an exercise program, change your diet get your "look" in order and get moving. Every day you avoid doing these things is another day you wait for all those "firsts" to begin.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"