Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 1/21/2007

Question
I met a man whom I am very attracted to.  I have three children and he has two.  He is a very free thinker and very settled, takes care of himself not sure if he ever wants to get married, but I think he really deep down does.  He has walls and readily admits it.  He is looking for his soulmate, the woman who understands him.  I want to handle this one right....where do I start?

Answer
Dear Teresa,

I caution you to listen very carefully to what a man says - backed by what he does.  WHen he says he does not want to get married again, you didn't hear him.  You think "deep down he does."  This is not smart!!

If you want to test the water, sure go ahead, but don't go deep sea diving on your own.  You'll get the bends.  Guys like this , especially when they say they want to be "understood," can be a rough ride.  I can guarantee you you won't do it more than once.

Don't read anything into anything he does.  Do not escalate the relationship physically.  Take a 'read' often.  It's a sad fact that it often means they are in touch with their OWN feelings, are looking for sympathy, and have little to give ... but it can be confusing because there are 'feelings' around ... they just aren't really for a relationship and they aren't emotionally available except for sympathy.

I don't want you to invest a lot of time and energy, and heaven forbid your HEART on a guy who almost dares you to bust through walls.  Usually, and again I hate to report this, he will take what you give, and you will get very little in return.  

Take care of yourself.  Pay attention.  

Also, please check that you are not "attracted" to men who are not available.  That's a real bad habit to get into, and it can become a habit, yes. Some women get a "zing" from the challenge of it all.  It's a rough ride and the landing is not pleasant.  Sadder but wiser.  WHy not skip that part??  It does NOT sound promising.  At the very least, do very little.  Be passive.  Make him do the work.  It's one thing to sit there and appear attracted, and have a sad story ... it's another thing to be interested in a real relationship with a woman and putting forth the obvious effort that it takes.  I repeat -- pay attention.  

I wish you the best,
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc