Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 8/23/2007

Question
QUESTION: There's a man I took classes with all year last year and I am absolutely smitten with him.  I would blush, stutter, stammer and get flustered around him to the point I would also break into a (embarassing) sweat...he just makes my heart race.  Anyway, I'm pretty sure he knows I do like him a lot only because of the ridiculous e-mails I sent, but also in how he responded to me last year.  Here are some of the things I observed him to do:
- give me direct eye contact (though most times his face was unreadable, there were instances where a faint smile played at the corner of his lips)
- I caught his eyes scanning my hip/midsection area
- when I would go to talk to him, he'd stretch his arms out behind his head/neck, sit in a very guy like position of crossing one leg over the other and leaning back
- he spoke to me very tenderly on more than one occasion
- he seemed to find an excuse to touch me when I never observed him to once touch anyone else...and this touch was very, very soft - to my upper arm/shoulder area - he approached me when I wasn't looking, and very softly placed his palm on my arm and slowly followed with each finger tip, keeping his hand gently on my arm the entire time he talked to me
- when I would drink water from my bottle, he would do the same within a two minute timespan
- he seemed to listen in on my conversations
- he seemed genuinely amused with my sense of humour
- he also sent me a wink on e-mail after stating to me a comic character I referred to was his very favourite
- he's never discouraged my e-mails, though the last one I sent (I was half teasing/half serious) about when he'd ask me on a date has not been acknowledged/responded to (and he's one who diligently responds to all e-mails)
- when I've run in to him on occasion, he seemed as hesitant as I felt as we approached one another and he seemed like he would have stopped to talk - but my nervousness kept me going

I don't know if I'm just a blind fool, but this man has my attention and I don't know if he is interested in me and whether I should give it a few more days before being even more bold and outright telling him I do like him alot/want to go on a date with him.

ANSWER: Hi Cindy,
Well ATTRACT does not mean ATTACK.  We all get so excited when we find a guy we're really attracted to, but it's best to continue to play it cool.  With all the emails and conversations, he must know that you like him.  Wait and see what he does, and hope for the best.  You will feel a LOT better if he is the one on the initiative.  He just might!

Good luck!
Susan
www.susandunn.cc/internetdatingcoach.htm

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Perhaps I need to be clear - in all of the e-mails I sent, only 3 were personal over the course of a year with the last one actually being the one where I jokingly confessed my like for him.  The rest were work related.  I was more interested in trying to figure out if I should even bother to hope - or move on - hence the examples I gave.
ANSWER: Hi there,
Thanks for the clarification.  It's just really hard to tell.  He's interested, but that's not the same thing as taking direct action to ask you out.  He knows where to reach you, so I would wait and see.  You can always amp it, by saying what you had in mind, but again, you will feel better - trust me - if he is the one who initiates.  Set a time limit to the "hope," hard as that is. Life is short!

Good luck!
Susan
www.susandunn.cc/internetdatingcoach.htm

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Wow, thanks for the advice! I'm new to this dating thing and I just don't know what to read/signs to tell (I wasn't very popular in HS and left a long term relationship - so I never had to try to figure things out this way).  Anyway, one last question - what is a reasonable time limit anyway? 1 week? 2? a month? Again - thanks for the reply!

Answer
Ah, welcome to the dating world.  We've been waiting for you!  :-)

Yes, there's a lot to learn, and experience is a good teacher.  That's why I say don't let grass grow under your feet.  It sounds like he is interested in you, but may or may not be FOR DATING.  That's the tricky part.  Generally men don't sit around and think like we do :-), they take action.  Sounds like you attracted him, but "for what."  

The best deal, of course, the one we all want, is the one where it's clear and you don't have this sort of confusion!

So, what's a good time limit?  Oh I'd say wait expectantly a couple of weeks, depending on how long it took him in the past to make replies.  Or just wait, but get on with your life and don't think about it all the time.  If it happens, it happens.  Guys know how to take action!  If you're obsessing about someone, it's like other guys can read the signs and avoid you.  You're pretty good at nonverbal communication, so you can understand that I'm sure.

The more you date, the less flustered you will be about the whole thing.  I could be he was reading you nonverbally as well, and thinking with the stammering and flustering that you weren't quite ready.  Could be?

At any rate, welcome to the playing field.  It's pretty level - we're all in there wondering, learning, enjoying, agonizing ... and sooner or later it always works out.

Email me offline if you want more tips - sdunn@susandunn.cc .

Good luck!
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc/internetdatingcoach.htm
Here to help you attract and keep the man of your dreams.