Expert: Rhapsody Love - 8/10/2004

Question
hello,i just wanted to ask,how would i know if he was the perfect guy? i think i just let mr.right slip out of my life,and i just wanna know if he was the one... whats your idea of the one? how does the perfect guy treat you? thanks

Answer
Tiffanee,

That's definately two different questions. I'll start with the second one first. I believe that you will attract a genuine person if you act genuine. No one is perfect - you're not and no guy is either. Before giving up on a guy you think might be Mr. Right, ask yourself:

* Did I communicate clearly and respectfully, more than once, what treatment was unacceptable?
* Did he give me feedback to show me that he heard me and probably understood me?
* Did I act toward him in the way in which I wanted to be treated?
* Did I listen to him?
* Did I act in a way that encouraged the treatment?
* Could it have been a misunderstanding or a habit I haven't given him enough time to break?
* Is it something that is really appalling to me and I can't live with until he figures out how to change?

Well, those are the basics. You don't want to be abused.

I chose the "absent minded professor"-type, so his forgetting to tell me when he's going to do something unexpected has been a problem that after 30 yrs. we still haven't solved. I still yelled at him or told him of my disappointment  plenty of times for not calling when he was late home from work and didn't call and I let his dinner get cold, but I never threw his dinner away. Thank goodness for cell phones, because now I can call him anywhere to ask where he is.

If you like a man with big muscles and is very sexy-looking, he will attract other women and he will probably have high-testosterone which can cause a lot of horniness if he's young. If you like a man who flirts with you, he may be likely to flirt with other women, too. If you like a guy who plays rough, you have to be clear about how rough is too rough and somehow determine if he's the kind of man who knows his own strength or could be abusive. If you like the latter or former, you might test the temper and his reaction when/if he has one before you get too serious. You have to be careful what you want in a man in some situations.

Now for the first question - finding him.:

First get to know yourself better and what kind of a mate you want and would be good for you.  Three resources for that would be (this site doesn't make links clickable, so you'll either have to copy and
paste them in another browser or have this message send to your email where your software might make them clickable):

http://www.keirsey.com/

http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/

where you can take tests to find out about yourself and get information on personality types to learn who would make a good match for you.  Another possility is here:

http://www.ivillage.com/relationships/lovelessons/0,7472,237932,00.html

(Last time I visited this site there was an ad first and then it brought me to the article; there was a pop-up ad also.)

I also like Linda Goodman's "Love Signs;":

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&ie=ISO-8859-1&as_qdr=all&q=%22Linda+Goodm...

though I am skeptical about astrology, I find this is surprisingly
realistic (it certainly couldn't hurt to check it out). BTW, this is a Google search link because the links I've chosen in the past have disappeared - sorry it's so long. Here's a shorter one, but it has to go through two servers to get to it so it might be slow.:

http://tinyurl.com/r2o0

Once you know yourself better and know what kind of mate would be good for
you and have thought about other qualities that you would want, you can
better figure out where to find such a person.  Where might this person
be, work, go for recreation?  Would this person attend a church or other
religious organization and if so, what kind (conservative, liberal - or
you might try Unitarian Universalist where people of many faiths worship
together)? Also, if you're in a city or metropolitan area, there might be Meet-ups near you - find an area that interests you and sign up for a Meet-up which takes place with at least 4 other people in a public place - you can also suggest a venue closer to your location.:

http://www.meetup.com/

Would that person be looking for you on the internet?  If so, check out

http://dmoz.org/Society/Relationships/Dating/Personals/

- there are loads of places to go on the internet where you can get a
profile and even search by location as well as interest.  You can get to
know the person anonymously first; read

http://www.ou.edu/oupd/kidsafe/websafe.htm

and

http://www.sanfords.net/Mom_Dear/Dating_on_the_Internet.shtml

before trying this out.

Good luck!

- Joyce