Expert: Rhapsody Love - 11/1/2005

Question
have met a very nice man in the internet and before, I dont want to be in love in the net because I know that there are no real people in the internet but I was wrong I fell in love with a man whom I haven't met. At first he was excited to answer all my private message to him and even calls me even if he knew that it will cost him too much and I admit that I fell in love of that because all I know is that he would not waste money for me if he is not that interested. But there are times that I feel neglected because he doesnt want to private message me and he will reason out that he is too busy for his work and that he is tired. He even told me that He is attracted to me but I am too far away and he likes me but he is not ready to be in a serious relationship. Do you think he is in love but only afraid to show his feelings towards me? Is it proper to tell him that I love him too? I'm afraid that he will be frustrated when I will be the first one to do the move. I am afraid that he will no longer talk to me when i do this. He is a very sensitive person. BUt I really love him. Please HELP!  

Answer
Cheron,

" I know that there are no real people in the internet"

Well, that's not true. You're on the internet and so am I - we're real people, aren't we? There are a lot of real people on the internet, but there are also some people who are phoney - just plain liars. But there are people you can meet face-to-face that are just plain liars, too. It sounds like you talk on the phone, too, so that's more than the internet.

I think that a man using the excuse of his work and being tired is OK unless he does it all the time, because you don't want a bum who doesn't want to work. Also, it might be nice that he wants to talk to you so much that he's willing to pay a lot to call you, but on the other hand, you don't want someone who doesn't consider his budget and what is reasonable to spend. If he'll do it now, will he do it later if you become a couple? You don't want to have financial problems because he doesn't think about work and expenses.

Distant relationships are extremely hard and it would be unreasonable not to be wary of them. How would you work it out to be together? How will this change your whole life? How can you know this will really work? Will you change your whole lives and then find out something about the other that really won't make it work?

I can't know how he feels about you. You can't really know how he feels about you; you can only know what he says. You can also only know what he says he does (and that he does email, text message, call you when he does) and anything you can't witness him doing, you can't really know for sure.

Fear is a natural part of a relationship - fear of rejection, fear of the future. If he says he loves you, then you can say you love him back. If the conversation goes in that direction, instead of using "love" if you're afraid, you can say something a bit milder that means something similar, like "I really enjoy talking to you and wish we could be together".

There are internet relationships that work. When you meet for the first time, you should meet in a public place, though. Get to know him as well as you can to trust him as much as possible, because you don't really "know" him in the usual sense. Ask him about likes and dislikes (music, movies, food, etc.), hobbies, his family, his history, where he's traveled, what he does for a living, where he went to school, etc. and ask about his dreams for the future - see if they align with yours.

Keep track of what he tells you and make sure he doesn't say anything that is contradictory so you know he's not lying. He may be a genuine person who could be your soul mate, but you need to protect yourself. If he's sensitive, don't make your questions like a test that sounds like you don't trust him. If he cares about you and suspects that you're trying to learn more about him so you can trust him better, then he should understand that you have to be safe.

I hope it works out for you, but it's possible it won't. If it doesn't, then it wasn't meant to be and you can find someone else. Feel lucky that you have this relationship with him now and know that it might not work, but enjoy it for what it is at the moment and all the moments as you get to know him better. Keep a sense of reality about it (he's real but you don't know about his stories - could he be married?) and let it go if it comes to a point when deep inside you know it's not going to work.

Good luck!

- Joyce