Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 11/28/2007

Question
Hello,

I am a 29 year old woman currently in my last year of medical school, will be getting my M.D. this May. I hope to become either a cardiologist or a cardio-thoracic surgeon. This summer I have off, and then will be starting residency in September. Residency will be about 6-7 years or so for either of these paths, so I'll be 35-36 years old before I can practice on my own.

I'm still currently single. I'm a funny, spunky, crazy gal, but I'm not too wild. Not much into parties or going clubbing (I did all that in college and I'm sick of it) I'd rather spend Friday nights at home with good friends or watching tv or surfing the internet. I also have kind of manly tastes, like I play guitar and listen to rock music, like fast cars, etc. so a lot of girls dont really like me and some guys are weirded out.

Oh yeah, and I look like Eva Longoria, so most men DO NOT approach me, they automatically think I am stuck up or high maintainence or something. So it is me who has to do the approaching but that generally doesnt work out.

So anyway, I was going to ask...when I start residency, things are going to be crazy and it will be REALLY REALLY hard to date or have a new relatoinship, it generally doesnt work out too well or just puts HUGE stresses on significant others from what i've seen from other people. Eventualy I do wanna get married and have children, and sure I could wait until residency is over, but I'm already almost 30, will be 35 then, and the older you get the harder it is to concieve.

So my questions are, should I spend this summer actively looking for a serious man who wants to settle down? Or do it while residency (hard when you're working 80 hours a week)

Also do you think it would be better for me to marry another doctor or similar ambitious career man type?

Also, what general age range of men do you think would suit me best.

Basically...what have you seen in your experience...and what would you advise me to do.

Thank you.
-Robyn

Answer
I will anwer in caps, because that's all I can do.

Oh yeah, and I look like Eva Longoria, so most men DO NOT approach me, they automatically think I am stuck up or high maintainence or something. So it is me who has to do the approaching but that generally doesnt work out.  WE ALL HAVE TO RELY ON SOMEONE WILLING TO GET TO KNOW US.  IF YOU THINK YOU COME OFF AS STUCK-UP, YOU CAN WORK ON THAT.  IT'S ALWAYS GOOD TO INCREASE EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE AND SOCIAL SKILLS.  EMAIL ME FOR COACHING ON THIS IF INTERESTED, sdunn@susandunn.cc .

So anyway, I was going to ask...when I start residency, things are going to be crazy and it will be REALLY REALLY hard to date or have a new relatoinship, it generally doesnt work out too well or just puts HUGE stresses on significant others from what i've seen from other people. Eventualy I do wanna get married and have children, and sure I could wait until residency is over, but I'm already almost 30, will be 35 then, and the older you get the harder it is to concieve.  THESE ARE ALL CONSIDERATIONS.  HOWEVER, THERE ARE PEOPLE NOT IN MEDICINE WHO REGULARLY WORK 80 OR MORE HOURS A WEEK.  IT'S HOW YOU WANT TO CONDUCT YOUR LIFE, SET PRIORITIES, AND MANAGE THINGS.  

So my questions are, should I spend this summer actively looking for a serious man who wants to settle down? Or do it while residency (hard when you're working 80 hours a week)  WELL I THINK IT'S ALWAYS GOOD TO BE ON THE ALERT FOR POSSIBLE PARTNERS.  IT TENDS TO HAPPEN WHEN IT HAPPENS.  IF YOU HAVE THE TIME, YOU COULD USE IT TO GET OUT MORE!  WHY NOT?

Also do you think it would be better for me to marry another doctor or similar ambitious career man type?  THE MAIN THING IS TO FIND SOMEONE WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE AND RELATIONSHIP SKILLS.  THEY HAVE TO BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND WHAT YOUR CAREER DEMANDS OF YOU AND BE WILLING TO ACCOMMODATE TO IT.  THAT CAN BE SOMEONE WITH A SIMILAR LIFESTYLE, OR THE OPPOSITE.  IT DEPENDS.  

Also, what general age range of men do you think would suit me best.  IT WORKS BEST TO FIND SOMEONE WITHIN 5 YEARS EITHER WAY.  

Basically...what have you seen in your experience...and what would you advise me to do.

LOVE HAPPENS WHEN IT HAPPENS.  AND IT TENDS TO HAPPEN WHEN LEAST EXPECTED!  :-)  BE OPEN TO IT.  YOU CAN'T PROGRAM THIS SORT OF THING.  FROM MY EXPERIENCE, LIFE THROWS LOTS OF THINGS AT US, ALL ALONG, THINGS WE CAN'T EXPECT AND JUST HAVE TO COPE WITH.  YES, YOU WILL BE VERY BUSY.  BUT THAT WILL HAPPEN ALL ALONG IN YOUR LIFE, AND OTHER THINGS WILL COME UP.  THE PERSON YOU CONNECT WITH NEEDS TO BE ABLE TO ADJUST TO THE VICISSITUDES OF LIFE, JUST LIKE YOU DO.  THERE ARE PEOPLE (IF YOU READ THIS COLUMN) WHO DUMP THEIR RELATIONSHIPS WHEN THEY FEEL OVERWHELMED WITH WORK, OR OTHER SOCIAL ISSUES.  NOW DOES THIS REALLY WORK?  IT'S A SIGN THAT THEY CAN'T COPE WITH ALL FACETS OF THEIR LIFE.  FOR INSTANCE, JUST WAIT TILL THE COUPLE HAS THEIR FIRST BABY.  THINGS CHANGE DRAMATICALLY, AND YOU HAVE TO REMAIN IN A LOVING WAY AND COPE WITH WHAT COMES ALONG.

If you would like personal coaching, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .  The main thing is that you work to manage your own life well, and look for a partner with similar skills.  And then -- that undefinable thing called "love."  Love doesn't conquer all, but a loving attitude and loving ways get us through the tough times, and we all have them.

I've seen doctors happily and unhappily married to other doctors, to homemakers, to everything in between.  

All the best,
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc
sdunn@susandunn.cc