Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 11/28/2007

Question
Hello,

I am a 29 year old woman currently in my last year of medical school, will be getting my M.D. this May. I hope to become either a cardiologist or a cardio-thoracic surgeon. This summer I have off, and then will be starting residency in September. Residency will be about 6-7 years or so for either of these paths, so I'll be 35-36 years old before I can practice on my own.

I'm still currently single. I'm a funny, spunky, crazy gal, but I'm not too wild. Not much into parties or going clubbing (I did all that in college and I'm sick of it) I'd rather spend Friday nights at home with good friends or watching tv or surfing the internet. I also have kind of manly tastes, like I play guitar and listen to rock music, like fast cars, etc. so a lot of girls dont really like me and some guys are weirded out.

Oh yeah, and I look like Eva Longoria, so most men DO NOT approach me, they automatically think I am stuck up or high maintainence or something. So it is me who has to do the approaching but that generally doesnt work out.

So anyway, I was going to ask...when I start residency, things are going to be crazy and it will be REALLY REALLY hard to date or have a new relatoinship, it generally doesnt work out too well or just puts HUGE stresses on significant others from what i've seen from other people. Eventualy I do wanna get married and have children, and sure I could wait until residency is over, but I'm already almost 30, will be 35 then, and the older you get the harder it is to concieve.

So my questions are, should I spend this summer actively looking for a serious man who wants to settle down? Or do it while residency (hard when you're working 80 hours a week)

Also do you think it would be better for me to marry another doctor or similar ambitious career man type?

Also, what general age range of men do you think would suit me best.

Basically...what have you seen in your experience...and what would you advise me to do.

Thank you.
-Robyn

Answer
Hello Robyn!

First off, congratulations on your MD. That's a very long road!

I always love it when someone tells me their "busy". Yes, I know you are, but consider that being busy is a relative thing. Every one of us has the same 168 hours each week. From the person that works at the DMV to someone in med school, everyone thinks they're "busy" because they simply use all of those 168 hours up.

To be honest, I don't know anyone busier than I am. That may seem arrogant, but consider that I run 3 different companies (all in different industries), I do seminars and regular radio/TV interviews, I write books, weekly articles and answer hundreds of these sorts of questions every week, I play in a band and I also have an active social/dating life. The fact is, it's not the amount of time you have, it's how you use it.

Even med school students have the time to date and build relationships; yes Robyn - even you! The key however is that you need to make some different choices in your life. There's nothing wrong with sitting at home on a Friday night surfing the internet, unless that prevents you from reaching your goals - and it does! What if you held that luxury back until you actually met the guy you want to date?

Ok, so on to your questions:

No, you shouldn't spend the summer looking for a serious man. You shoulld start RIGHT NOW and use the summer to have an incredible love affair that just curls your toes with him instead! Even if you're working 80 hours a week (less than I actually work) you can STILL have the relationship you want too! Trust me.

As to whom you marry, my concern is that you even have that as a goal! If you want to be married, why don't you just go out this weekend and find some guy that would marry you? It sounds like you wouldn't have any trouble doing that at all. So, then you can get married right away and everything would be great, right?

Wrong.

You see, marriage shouldn't be your goal. If it is, you're totally missing the boat. Marriage isn't a relationship, it's a FORMAT for a relationship - and there are hundreds of others. If you're smart (and I know you are) you're going to stop that nonsense and start concentrating on building a happy, loving, fulfilling relationship REGARDLESS of the format.

As to whom, you're going to have to ask yourself whether you'll be ok with someone that puts his career before you; which another doctor or ambitious career type is going to do. I sense that's not exactly what you want however and that you'd prefer the relationship to take primacy in your life. If so, you'll have to do the same thing and being with someone that feels the say way is the only way to make that happen.

Age range? Frankly, it doesn't matter very much. What's important isn't the age, but the connection. You might find that older guys are more comfortable (and flexible) with your career choice and will likely be more established too.

Robyn, there's a lot to think about here, but I believe the most important element is this: you'll never get to the end of your life and wish you worked harder. You'll likely get there and wish you LOVED harder. Don't put the most important aspect of your life on the shelf for something less. You deserve to have what you want - if only you're clear on what that is.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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