Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 12/10/2006

Question
Hi.  I am 21 and having problems meeting the right type of guy for me.  I am afraid that I am too picky.  Basically I am very worried about dating a guy who won’t treat me well.  Many times I meet guys in party situations, and I am afraid that means they are huge partiers, since in college guys so often seem to be only interested in sex and partying.  I guess I shouldn’t assume that since I am there, too.  I am very cautious when I first start dating guys or get asked out.  I often don’t end up being interested in the guys that like me because I will think they party too much (and by this I mean it is their only form of entertainment), or don’t seem interested in what I do, or don’t seem like a kind person, or they aren’t in school and have no ambition.  

But then it takes time for me to open up to guys that I AM interested in, whether I am dating them or not.  It’s not that I am super shy - I am easily able to have friendly conversations.  But the guys that know me really well are my guy friends (which is a problem b/c it ends up that my guy friends are the only ones who fall for me, while I am interested in others).  I promise I’m not conceited, but I do know that I have a lot to offer and deserve someone who will treat me well.  I guess my question is, how can I decipher the good from the bad- and should I take the risk and go out a few times with guys that I normally wouldn’t?  Any input would be great.  Thanks so much.


Answer
It's not that easy to find a really neat guy, ok?  You're right to take your time and to stick to your standards.  On the other hand, it would probably help to date a bit more, just for the experience, but don't put pressure on yourself that you "have" to have someone; there's plenty of time.  Obviously you might take a look at these places where you're meeting them if you're afraid of "partying".  You are there too, and there's something not in-synch there.  The best place to meet them is doing things you like to do, in the general course of your daily affairs.  Clearly you don't have trouble getting along, because your guy friends like you.  So just keep at it.  If the guy is safe to date, one date should tell you most of what you need to know.  So give some ones a chance you might now (as long as they're safe and OK) - you might be missing something and you'll probably have a good time, if not a great time.  Also dating somehow makes it easier to date, like it's easier to get a new job when you already have one.  Just gets you in the flow of things.
How do you decipher the "good" from the "bad"?  I assume you know a really bad date - like if he shows up drunk, you don't go out with him, or if he's half an hour late.  Right?  Or uses foul language.  If you mean how do you know "the right guy for you"?  Oh, you will know!  It's a gut feeling.
Have fun,
Susan