Expert: Rhapsody Love - 7/28/2004

Question
Dear Joyce,

I'm sorry but I think this is gonna be long--today's the first time I've never tried asking questions online but am really hoping for some pointers on what to do.  About a year ago while volunteering for this one event I happened to bump into this guy who was in my class from a few years back.  We started chatting and have not been able to run out of topics to talk about since, to this day.  He never fails to make me laugh every time we chat, and I always look forward to our meetings because I tremendously enjoy his company.  

However, to my dismay, after we've had lunch a couple of times, during which he'd been asking me about the kinds of activities I liked to do, one day he asked me if I wanted to join him, his girlfriend, and some other friends.  Whoa it hit me hard to find out he has a girlfriend already.  So obviously he wasn't interested in me the way I thought he was!  Even though any romantic hopes that I might have harbored were thoroughly dashed at the time, I was determined to never let him know that I had ever felt anything for him other than what good friends feel for each other in a platonic relationship, as I would want for him to be a close friend even if not my boyfriend.  

I started hanging out with him, his girlfriend, and his friends.  I got to be pretty chummy with some of his friends, as well as with his girlfriend, and mind you, it is not the "I like you on the surface but hate you underneath" type of chumminess -- I genuinely like his girlfriend a lot, and am glad that they have each other because they're both such nice folks.  Sometimes I'd hang out with both him and her, sometimes just him alone if she was busy or out of town (with her knowledge and approval), and every time I feel very happy but very guilty at the same time about being so damned happy hanging out with someone else's boyfriend.  He'd be the perfect gentleman, opening doors and peeling fruit and paying for me and in general being the "underdog" as a boyfriend would do for his girlfriend, whenever we hung out together by ourselves.   

We'd talk and laugh a lot, especially at each other's stupid jokes.  He knows I'm not currently seeing anyone and we always joke about when he's gonna introduce a new boyfriend for me.  We still talk and laugh a lot even in a group setting or when his girlfriend is around, though he'd be paying much more attention to his girlfriend rather than to me when she's around, of course.  

I get to see him a lot as I work only one block away from his work place, while his girlfriend is a half-hour's drive away.  I have made the conscious decision to not try to break up anyone's relationship -- I mean, I would love for him to ask me out if the two of them ever broke up, but I do not wish for them to break up on my account or anyone else's account.  Yet everytime we're alone, he acts like I'm the center of his attention, and in everything he does I see qualities that I would like in see in my future boyfriend/significant other.  I don't know if he acts the same way when he's alone with other female friends, as I don't think he has very many close friends who are not male.  He's never said anything explicit to indicate anything other than a platonic friendship with me, yet sometimes I feel there's more.  Such as when he'd call and ask if I want to do such and such a thing tomorrow, I'd say, yeah sure, he'd say he'll call up so-and-so to see if he wants to come along too, and then the next day it would just be the two of us hanging out and he'd say that so-and-so ended up being too busy to join us.  This has happened on more occasions than one.  

And recently we've taken on this habit of getting off work together to drive to his girlfriend's work place for a surprise visit.  At the time I thought nothing of it; in retrospect I think that I'd probably be upset if I was his girlfriend and saw my boyfriend repeatedly dragging some other girl along when he visits me.  So this is something I plan to avoid doing in the future, unless it's a whole group of us going together.  

I guess my questions, then, are:  am I assuming too much from too little?  am I just being juvenile or imaginative?  am I just yearning for him to be my boyfriend because I don't have one?  should I keep on trying to keep our friendship the way it's been?  should I do anything differently?  I'm sorry for the long message and long list of questions, and would really appreciate any advice you could give.  Thanks so very much!

Sincerely,
Dreamer

Answer
Dreamer,

Realistically, you have 3 choices: do something totally different and not hang around either of them at all, keep it the same, or just see them less and maybe look for your own boyfriend. Which sounds like the more reasonable thing to do? You've already decided that if you were his girlfriend, you wouldn't want it to stay the same - being this friend that's a girl hanging around her boyfriend. I think you're absolutely right about that.

This kind of scenario isn't that uncommon, though. It often starts in school when more than one girl likes the same guy and they're all friends. Sometimes the guy will change his mind about the first girlfriend and go to the other one. Or sometimes the first girlfriend will break up with the guy because something's not working out, and the other girl gets a chance. But sometimes that doesn't happen and the guy and his first girlfriend stay together, get married, and live happily ever after. Actually, there are other scenarios, too, but those are the basic ones.

I think as a good friend, you should tell him that you think seeing him with his girlfriend isn't right and that you really like being with him and will miss spending the time with him, but he should be seeing his girlfriend more and his just-friend less. You could tell him that as long as you're around him you'll never have a boyfriend. He should understand. He may not get exactly how you feel about him, but unless he and his girlfriend break up, it's best if he doesn't know unless you're moving away and will never see them again or something like that.

I don't really think I'm telling you anything you don't already know since you pretty much said so in your long explanation. So you can just keep it as it is - seeing him less, but being very good friends with both of them or you could actively try to find a boyfriend so you don't feel so miserable when you're alone and you know he's with her, but you'd still be friends with them & maybe if you get a boyfriend all 4 of you could hang out together & you wouldn't feel so bad about hanging around him so much. It doesn't sound like you're miserable enough to leave. Just find your own boyfriend.

Good luck!

- Joyce