Expert: Rhapsody Love - 10/15/2007

Question
Im a 28 and maybe shocking for you to hear that i'm a virgin but that has happened according to the strict early life into my country.
Now @ 28 i met a French guy who was 1 year younger than me.
The way how he acted i felt that he really -REALLY liked me from his texts even when he went back in France for 1 week he kept texting me and gave me his home no to call him and asked me to join him there @ his parents house.
After dating him for 2 and 1/2 months i got closer to him - gave a blowjob to him which was my 1st time ( just to make sure that he get a bit of satisfaction and @ least he knows that i REALLY like him. After meeting 4/5 times in his house  listening to songs than cuddling etc while lying on the bed he asked me what im looking for? He got the answer that im looking for something serious but he said that he doesn't have things black and white, maybe he will never get married as he got hurt so bad and that's why he left the France. I came to the point where my emotions were so high and my eyes on tears and i said to him: If you REALLY wanna hurt me just go ahead. He was looking @ me for a while and said you know that i really want you but i can't  take 2 responsibility. ( as he was thinking it was time for sex..)
He stood up and went for a smoke. We were not talking much to each other, i was feeling so bad inside , drinking a lot of water he sow me and put his hand around me but i said nothing. Went home, was crying, had a shower to help me started smoking for my 1st time in my life but i wouldn't help me. I sent a sms asking him if i could go back there but he replyed:  Hi, i am already should say still in my bed, im tired we didn't sleep that much. I prefer staying alone 2night massage my leg cause it hurts ( he had broken it in football 4 weeks earlier..) You are strong person who knows what she wants. I was just really tired and a lot of bad souvenir came back. I can tell you time heals everything. See you later xxx
I was feeling so bad and i said a stupid: Plz just say that you still like me , i want you in any way! I drove to his house , he opened the door and said: Hm an unexpected guest! I was on tears and i said: can i come in? I just need to be alone and i can't stay in my home cause i don't want my family to know abt this. He gave me a hug like a sorry hugg, than insisted for me to go out but i said- plz don't say anything as any kind of your word it hurts me, i just wanna stay in sofa for a few hrs so you can go upstairs- after a while he went upstairs and in a 4-5 hrs i felt a bit stronger and drove home without seeing hi. After 1 week got a sms from him: Hi how are you? hope you are fine, the come back @ work is crazy, we have a mountin of work to do, we can't think abt anyth else. See ya xx
After 2 weeks he was out drinking and sent me this sms to meet him after another one: I would really like to see you , how abt coming over for kisses and hugs..? I replyed: I really would like to see you as i haven't seen you on ages , i would like to go bowling, cinema, a drive to the sea, ice skating etc..just as good friends but i mean you sow me how much i liked you so i don't want to bring back again these feelings as they were the worst ever for me. His reply was: They were hard and deep feelings i know, they were true for me too , but i still want you and i can't explain that. Have sweet dreams ladyxxxJ On the next day he wrote again: You have everything to make things on but it didn't depend on me. xxxJ My reply was repeating the same previous sms that i just would meet him as a friend.

They were my strongest feelings ever i had. I just want to know: did i had childish actions? did he wan't me without commitment? I cares about the shape of my body a lot and it was time which i was feeling i can do anything for him.
Does he really want's me back but he is scared as i showed him that im looking for a serious relationship? He said that he got hurt so bad in the previous relationship that's why he left France- so because of that he want to revenge to someone else?
I really don't get him!!!! And i would like to clear my mind.- that's why i was kinda asking him to meet up as friends where i can find out the truth from him..
I really would want to make it clear which maybe it is but i can't see.
I would appreciate SOOO MUCH your reply.
Warmest Regards
Lida

Answer
Lida,

I don't think you made a mistake. You were honest as you could be about your feelings and what you want. I think he doesn't know what he wants. When someone is badly hurt, they often have trouble entering into another committed relationship, because they're afraid of being hurt again.

His rejection of a serious relationship with you hurt you, so you may have some idea how that hurt can feel. I would say, though, that you most likely were not hurt as bad as he previously was hurt since this relationship has been very short. You can only imagine based on what happened. Do you know what happened to him? Would he be willing to talk about it if he hasn't already? How long did he date the woman who hurt him? How serious was their relationship? Were they living together? Talking about marriage or a long term commitment? Your very limited experience has also limited your ability to understand his hurt and what he's trying to get over.

I think he may really like you, but he thought he didn't want to try to love again. Now he seems to be changing his mind, but he doesn't quite yet want to say that he wants a committed relationship with you. In today's modern world, most people have sex before marriage and sex is not a commitment, though it is a responsibility. Most couples like to experience the other and the way the two will relate together to see if it could work before marriage. Like "it may be love, but will this relationship really survive in the long term?" Sex is often part of that test. You need to decide if you want to take that step since it's an important one and one that you've waited for and may deserve your patience to wait more.

If he cares about you, keep talking. I think your request for friendship makes sense, but you can say something like, "can we start all over again? friendship first and then we'll see?" I don't know if he'd be willing. He could say "no".

Aparently the last thing he said was, "You have everything to make things on but it didn't depend on me" and that's true except that you'd like someone to love and love you and share your life with - not someone you depend on for all your regular living needs. He may think of a relationship as being "dependent" on the other; he's still afraid of commitment, but his mind could be changed in time.

I hope this helps. Good luck!

- Joyce