Expert: Rhapsody Love - 8/15/2006

Question
I broke up with my ex about 8 months ago.  We were together for 7 years, but he treated me really badly and cheated on me a couple of times.  He is now getting married in October, I can honestly say that I'm over him.  I took it cool for 6 months, and only started dating again about 2 months ago.  I'm seeing someone now, for about 35 days, and I'm in love.  I can't believe the way i'm feeling.  We are spending every night together, I've met his family and his closest friends.. He is a really good person, and he says he likes me a lot.  He phones me about twice a day, and visits me at my work.  I know that he is into me, my question is, how do I keep him interested?  I don't want to sound like a real girl, but I'm so afraid of doing something wrong.  My ex really treated me badly, and I'm so afraid I will chase this guy away...  By the way, this new guy broke up with his girlfriend, about 6 months ago. They were together for 6 years, and he told her, that he can't see them getting married - ever.

Am I rebound girlfriend, or do you think this might work out.

Answer
LingC,

I hope you're not my son's girlfriend using a fake name. :-D  The situation sounds like his.

I don't know your boyfriend, but in the case of my son, he is really looking for someone he can spend the rest of his life with, but compatibility is important and with his first long-time girlfriend, he didn't know what to look for and was hopeful that it would work out. Also, his past girlfriend became more and more complacent to him - not answering his phone calls and such, and she had mental illness that she wasn't getting treatment for. He treats his  present girlfriend like you say your boyfriend is treating you, I think, but she is of a different religion. He's hoping his girlfriend will change and the religion issue won't be such a major problem, but he's being realistic that she probably won't. He is being open and honest with her about it, though, so this is probably not your situation as it sounds like you're not specifically aware of a problem.

I don't think you should be so much afraid of "doing something wrong" as you should make sure you're really compatible. It's very important to really know your guy and discuss all the important things that matter in life to make sure there aren't issues that will come up after you've made a firm commitment to each other. Ask him about his vision for the future and see how your vision will fit in with his. It is possible to talk about what you want in life without making it sound like you have to have a lifetime commitment right now. Sometimes women do chase men away by talking about commitment when the man is not ready (of course, the reverse happens, too). You can even say that you hope that talking about it doesn't chase him away and that you just want him to know about your dreams for the future and not that you have to have it right now. He might be cautious about making a commtiment after the previous relationship didn't work out. But if he's not the kind of guy to make a long-term commitment or you're really incompatible, you need to know that sooner rather than later and, though it would hurt, it's best not to drag a relationship on if it looks like it isn't going to work.

It sounds like things are going OK so far and that he really cares about you. Have you asked him what went wrong with his previous girlfriend? Have you shared what went wrong with your ex? Try not to treat him like a king or something, because if you do, your relationship will change a lot later and then he might change his mind. Try to treat him now and later pretty much the same, though there will be small ways that will change over time. Be respectful of him and listen to him, but be honest and talk from your heart about your concerns, too. Try to understand how he thinks and talk to him in a way he can understand, though, not like he's a woman (men and women do have different ways of thinking and communicating).

Mutual respect is important in a relationship and you want to have trust, so talking about the issues you are worried about might help you trust him. There may be times when the trust isn't perfect, but as long as you can keep an open dialog about it and he sees that you are concerned, it is highly likely that it will work out. Most people don't like dating - it's the uncomfortable unknown, so if you remind him about the benefits of staying with you (and there really are benefits), and let him know that cheating is a real no-no for you, he probably won't cheat. Don't accept any bad treatment ever, but realize that when the treatment is not obviously "bad" that he might not know he's doing it or how you perceive it, so you need to talk about it. When there's reason, though, let him know that you worry about the possibility of his cheating on you, because he's desirable to you and you think he's desirable to other women, too. Men like to hear that they are desirable and like to think about being desirable to other women even if they're not allowed to test it out. Of course, women like to be thought of as "desirable" too, but we often change our focus to being desirable to others to primarily just being desirable to our husband (of course, this varies between individuals) - "pretty" and "sexy" are words we like to hear, but even when men get overweight and bald, they can still be "desirable" through some aspect of their personality (or power or money) and they like to know that they are. You might not want to tell him so often that he stops really hearing it, but he needs an occasional reminder even after the relationship gets more casual and routine.

Good luck!

- Joyce