Expert: Rhapsody Love - 9/25/2005

Question
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Followup To
Question -
HI, thanks for taking my question :)
I was in an abusive relationship for 2years and after all was said and done i met the person of which i have been infatuated with ever since. since i was in the healing process i would not let anything go past being more than just friends without explaining myself or my feelings to him (not a big deal). well time went on and we have had feelings for eachother for 2 years now. last semester he went out of the country on a backpacking venture. i heard from him once. mind you the night before he left was the first time i had ever told him i liked him even though it was obvious. i had stayed the night at his place multiple times, but had only kissed him once and had never done anything intimate with him (eventually he quit trying). when he returned to school he made calls to make sure i was back into town and so forth because it was his senior year yada yada. i ended up drunk dialing him over the next couple weekends giving myself courage to call/ seeing him on campus ( he took me into his place showed me around, said hi, ran to see me everytime he saw me). one drunken night (ps i turned 21 while he was gone so he had never seen me drunk before-he always goes to the bars) we ended up at his place hooked up and he never called. he knows he is the second person i have ever been with and that was a big thing ESPECIALLY after all we have been through. 3days later he answers a phone of a mutual friend when i call and pretends to be the friend-then says he will call, never does.
do i give up? or give in and talk to him...this nonsense needs to cease!
thanks so much
Answer -
Ash,

I'm not sure I followed the entire story exactly, but this much I think I understood.: You've been friends for a long time, he had wanted to be intimate with you before you were ready, you finally were ready so you become intimate, he didn't call you, and then he pretended to be someone else and apparently lied to you about calling you.

If I were you, I'd call him or try to run into him somewhere and tell him that you need to meet with him to talk sometime and hold him to committing on a place and time. I would bug him until it actually happens and do it over the phone only if there's constant avoidance and I thought there was no other way.

It could be a misunderstanding or he could be avoiding you because he's changed his mind about having a serious relationship with  you or his desire for intimacy never was about seriousness, only about physicality. He may not want to hurt your feelings since he knows you've been hurt before so this may be about sparing you. There are several possibilities, but you've been friends for a long time and you deserve an explanation.

Let him know that he's not sparing you more pain even if he thinks he is, because not calling & not knowing is painful. Let him know that his friendship means a lot to you. Decide whether or not you'll say that you'd like to continue your friendship even if he decides he doesn't want a serious romantic relationship with you and make sure you communicate that during your meeting.

BTW, I've read advice columnists who say that they'd just drop it in this circumstance and get the message from the implied communications, but I really feel the direct way is much more important. I wouldn't let someone like that off the hook, but you must realize that it looks bad - he probably doesn't want to pursue the intimate relationship for whatever reason. Maybe he found someone else. If that's not the case, you may have a lot of work on communication to do to make a future relaitonship with him possible.

Good luck! I hope this helps.

- Joyce
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Since we really don't have sit down heart to hearts, how should i approach this?
He likes to catch me off guard and he would rather run into me than call me. For instance I will walk home from school and he will run outside of his house and make a fuss about me coming over to his house like we had plans but we dont. Normally we run into eachother more often but this year is hit and miss. So do you think calling him would make me the weak one? he has attempted to talk to me once already. i just dont want to be hurt or rejected, but i am very well prepared for both.
thanks again for answering my questions!!!

Answer
It's unfortunate that people get hurt and rejected, but it's part of life. If that happens, think of it as a learning experience and that the two of you just weren't meant to be. There's someone else out there for you if it's not him. So go ahead and do what you have to do and don't consider calling him as being "weak". Actually, I think it's just the opposite - you're being strong to face what needs to be done and contact him. Besides women tend to be better communicators than men, so understand when he doesn't do a great job of it that it's just a weak area for him and forgive him his weaknesses - we all have some.

Do you still walk by his house? Go up and knock on the door. It's a neighborly thing to do. You can start with "hey, where ya been? I need to talk to you." or something like that. Tell him that you don't appreciate him treating you like a one night stand. That you thought he cared about you and that you want to know why he's treating you this way. He may not think that being intimate is a reason for changing his behavior - he may perceive that nothing's changed. Be prepared for what you'll say and think through a few differenct scenarios so you'll have an idea how you'll reply.

Go for it! Good luck.

- Joyce