Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 7/27/2007

Question
Hello,

I am a virgin and the guy I was dating was not, although he definitely knew I desired him very much. I thought he was the man I was going to marry but turned out he was a total scumbag. He was cheating on me with 3 other women the entire time we were together, since I was not giving him sex, and he ended up coldly dumping me for one of them. That woman had a boyfriend back home, so they were basically just hooking up for sex.

By the way, it's not that I did not ever want to have sex with him or anything like that, I was just waiting until things got more serious with him to become intimate.

However, the entire time, he never made any moves on me or pushed me to have sex in any way, and he was always very gentle with me. That's why I was surprised when I was dumped, but then I found out the real reason. And now that he's dating her, he's having sex with another 4 different girs now. He is quite the player.

Do you have any idea, if he was just on the prowl for sex anyway, and did not seem to want a girlfriend, why did he bother trying to build a relationship with me when all he wanted was hookups and one night stands, and also why was he so gentle with me and why did he never push me for sex if that's all he really wanted?

Thanks

Answer
Dear Sue,

I wish I knew.  I really wish I did.  It's heartbreaking and so hard to understand.

Sometimes I think a man or a woman does it, because a real true love relationship is what everyone wants inside, but then they get scared, though they may not be mindful of it. They want it, then run from it.  (Other women is always running from intimacy with one woman.)

Your situation sounds like one where in time he will be sorry what he missed.  Maybe even contact you again ... years down the road.  This is small consolation and nothing to pin your hopes on.  The feelings were real ... it was what it was at the time ... he just couldn't handle it. I would say you were someone really special to him.  

This way of doing things is his problem, not yours.  You might say "he wanted something else," but I think you know, as well as I do, that it 's something more than that.

Sometimes you get with a guy who is ambivalent (wants it/doesn't want it), and you get the sense the better it gets the more he's going to run from it.  Which this guy did. He is not running TO something, he is running FROM something.  

My heart goes out to you.  Know that it was nothing you did, that it's more complex than a simple answer can address, and that it was him, not you.  You deserve better.  Once your heart heals, get back on the horse.  An experience like this can wipe the smile off your face.  Don't let someone else steal your joy for long.  

Someone is looking for someone like you, and a relationship like you offer.  HE will appreciate all your fine qualities and run toward it, not away from it.  Players ending up paying a great price for their behavior. Trust me.  I get to talk to the aging ones. They miss what makes life meaningful.  You know all about this, he doesn't.  

Keep the faith girl friend,
Susan