Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 11/2/2007

Question
QUESTION: I have been seeing this guy for a couple months.  He has been married for 8 years and his ex cheated on him and thats why they divorced.  I thought that everything was going great, he wants to be with me all the time, a few weeks ago he told me that he loves me and wants a future with me.  But he never really talks seriously about this, he texted me this.  A few weeks ago we had a fight cus he mentioned his ex a few times and it hurted me... since then he didnt talk about his ex anymore... Yesterday we met again after work and he suddenly told me he wants to live with me... I felt a bit cheap cus living together with a man isnt what I want or dream about.. I want a man who loves me and marries me and then moves in together... I told him this and then he said " but what if things dont work out"  and he also said that he was married before and that it hurt him a lot, at this point I felt like crying to be honest, i felt so hurt cus he talked about his ex again while he should be talking and thinking about only me and him and our future...  I told him that we dont want the same things and that its best to go our seperate ways... he was very upset and said he was in shock by my harsh decision... I just took the train home and thats that... please tell me if I overreacted?  I know for sure that if a man truly loves a woman that he would marry her and wants to make her happy and give her certainty... I truly loved him cus he did everything he said he would, he is someone I can count on and is there for me, but this really hurt me and for me he was the man I had dreams about marrying, but I feel totally let down by him... I cant understand if he says he loves me that he thinks about moving in together and not about marrying me... what should I do?

ANSWER: Dear Hannah,

I'm sorry to hear about this because I know it was hard to take, but you stick to your guns.  This is saying who you are and what you want.  Asking to move in with you is not what you want, and he needs to be thinking about this.  If he thinks it is "harsh," them so be it.  What should you do?  Stick with what you want.  If he doesn't come around, then you are better off with another man.  I know it is hard because you had your hopes set on him.  He evidentaly isn't over his divorce yet, to say "what if it doesn't work out" -- because WHAT IF IT DID?  Hopefully he will see the light. If you had let him just move in, well you know what would have happened, so you made the wise decision.  

Warm regards,
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc

Coaching, Internet courses and ebooks for your personal and professionall development.  Susan is the author of DATING SUCCESS MANUAL, www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html.  

Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc

Warm regards,
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Susan,

Thank you for your answer, we had a talk about it and he did tell me that he thought about marriage but wants to get to know me better first.  something happened though that upset me a lot. yesterday eve we had a nice evening and we kissed and cuddled on his couch while watching a movie. after the movie he brought me home and today he had a day off and I had to go to work.  This evening my boss talked to me at work and said things that upset me, I was almost in tears.  When I left the office to take my train home I texted Paul( he is the guy Im seeing) saying I was going home... usually he always texts me back saying he will pick me up from the station, but today he texted saying "I cant see you this evening, Im with friends at a dinner, we can meet tomorrow ok?"  I felt devastated, we had a very romantic and special evening last night and I couldnt wait to see him all day and he just blew me off! a few weeks ago he told me that Im way more important then his friends and that he always wants to be with me, that I come first.   i texted him saying I felt very upset and that I needed him, and he texted back saying he cant see me , that he promised his friends to go to the dinner party and that he can come to me tomorrow morning early, he also texted that Im his number 1 priority... please Susan tell me, is this all a lot of bullshit and pretty words from his side? Am i overreacting when I expect that a man who claims to love me so much doesnt wants to be there for me when Im upset and need him... I feel its all ruined and I cant believe that he didnt just cancel that dinner so he could see me... after such an evening, I cant understand why he wasnt dying to see me also?

please give me good advice, if he isnt a good man I want to move on, but I need someone who can put it into perspective



ANSWER: Dear Hannah,
At this point, it's hard to say.  You can't expect him to drop evertything.  In a way it's good that he keeps his committments to his friends.  I'd talk this one out with him, not confrontativel, and see what he thought and felt, and what you can expect from him in the near-future and longer future, as to meeting your needs in this area.

Warm regards,
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hey Susan,

Im sorry to say but I find your answer a bit disappointing:-( My gut feeling says that especially at the beginning of a relationship that a guy should put a woman first and create a coccoon and that friends do come second at that time...  just my feeling...  I kinda hoped that you thought the same;-)   I do feel sad that he didnt even called after my text message where i said I felt upset by my boss... shouldnt he at least have called to see how I was? he just ignored my last text... what does this say about him?

Answer
Dear Hannah,
You did not forward the initial correspondence, so I could not trace the trail from what you revealed earlier.  Now I'm confused.  Why are you still seeing him?  You have had misgivings about him from the beginning.  It sounds like what he is doing is confirming your early impressions. Yes, he might have called to see how you were doing.  It seems insensitive.  But you have had misgivings about him all along. It appears that you keep getting confirmation of things you don't want and don't like.

Warm regards,
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc