Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 8/24/2007

Question
I have been seeing a man for about nine months now.  I love him, I love being around him.  He knows how I feel about him and he says I have gotten to his heart unlike anyone in a very long time.  I'm divorced and 48 yrs old; he's divorced and 49.  I was married 19 years and have been single for 4 years.  He was married one year and has been single for 16.  He has been avoiding marriage; he told me so.  We've talked about the possibility but he is so sure that marriages end "good friendships".  He believes most married people are unhappy.  I think he's afraid of long-term intimacy because he was hurt really bad in his marriage.  Now he dates women for short-term until they bring up marriage.  He told me usually the women will give him an ultimatum, which he always rejects, and the woman get angry and move on.  In private, he's a sweet, caring, gentle man who works and mostly is at home.  Very intelligent with a good job, however, he does have a short temper.  I have become one of those women who wants to give the ultimatum but I know it doesn't work.  And there are more fish in the sea, I'm just so stuck on this one.  I will not give him the ultimatum, but I also don't want to be strung along.  In older couples, how much time is enough to invest in a person before expecting a commitment?  I am especially concerned that he is still in touch with old flames--sort of friendship with benefits for those out-of-town is what I suspect.  He pretty much told me he has about three women in three different cities that he has a good time with when he travels--which he has not done in the time I've known him.  How do I detach myself from someone so unavailable?  I don't think he will marry me without a lot of hard work on my part.  There is another man pusuing me and I am thinking about dating him to divert my attention from this one.  But I already know in my heart I prefer the one I am seeing. My dating experience is limited. I just know that I would love to be around the man I am seeing for the rest of my life but is it practical to get a marriage proposal out of him--as well as for him to be faithful?

Answer
Gosh, I hear a version of this a lot.  

Well lets see, to answer your questions:  One year is a good time frame.  If it doesn't happen by then (and you can't convince him or give an ultimatum, he has to want to and initiate), cut him off and get yourself out.  Don't become the friend-with-benefit, or allow yourself to be strung along any more.  Cut it off.  If he comes back, it's on your terms - not his, as it is now.  

You should consider his history here.  One year of marriage during all this time?  He keeps them around on his terms, never marrying?  The short temper?  This also hints that he isn't able to sustain an intimate relationship with a committment.  Like a playboy, except he keeps them around longer because he's become good at it.  There seems to be a lot of that going around.  It's an art.  

When you talk about "hard work" and getting a proposal out of him, well, it generally doesn't work to try and convince a man of anything, especially matters of the heart.  He just sounds like a "stringer".  This sort of man sincerely does not want to commit to a single woman.  And that is about HIM, not about YOU.  I suggest you not make it your project to convert this 'stringer' to a married man.  It's a waste of your precious time.  The reason they behave this way is that the women involved allow it to occur with them.  

How you detach yourself emotionally is the harder part of this.  You just have to get through it until the emotions lessen.  Once you make up your mind (intellectually) you have to bear with the feelings which include sadness, giving up the dream, the joy of the good times with him, the physical bonding, and a whole conglomeration.)  We can't 'move' feelings like that any faster than they want to.  Once you make up your mind to end it, stick with it.  He's already alerted you that the ultimatum won't work, so don't bother.  This is for your protection.  You need to close that door so another one can open.  And there's nothing wrong with being on your own for a while!   

Distract yourself.  Start training your mind not to think about him.  One exercise is to think about him, then consciously think about the stove in your kitchen, then go back to him.  More and more you'll want to be thinking about the stove in your kitchen!

Get rid of memorabilia and don't listen to 'your' song on the radio. Have a little ceremony for ending it, where you burn his pictures or something, and throw out his emails.  

Think about the negatives, of which you will find plenty if you look.  Ignore the positives of the former relationship.  

Distract yourself with some new project that can really involve you - sign up for a course, amp your career, something with the kids.  

Dating another guy to divert your attention?  IIt's karma to be clear about your intentions with other people.  Actually this guy is with you, but you had your hopes.  This would be a rebound relationship for you ... You won't be emotionally available for a new romance until you get over this guy, and you don't want to turn around and string another guy.  This is, incidentally, a pattern out there you should watch out for -- where the person induces another person into their personal drama. (I got strung, now I will string.)  Get a clear emotional field before you date again, out of respect for yourself and others.  It's OK not to be dating for a while.  When it's time to date again (emotionally) you will know.   

It takes as long as it takes to get over someone.  Don't judge yourself, just get through it.  For more tips on dating, read by book, DATING SUCCESS MANUAL FOR WOMEN, www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html .  It has some tips in there that I think would help you in future dating.

Good luck!
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc