Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 11/3/2007

Question
Hi,

My parents are immigrants in the US but I grew up in america so I'm pretty much americanized. I know enough about my culture but obviously I don't know everything since I grew up in the US.

When we go back to our home country and visit our relatives still in that country, when we're all in the room together, my mom will make comments and kind of tease me a little, or she'll say really difficult complicated stuff in their language or ask me difficult stuff about the culture and traditions that she knows I don't know or understand and ask if I know what it means, and she knows I don't, and when I say "i don't know" or I stumble and fumble around for the right words, they all kind of chuckle and laugh since I don't know everything about my home country and it makes me look ignorant since that is my original ethnicity.

You have any clue why she is doing this in front of all our relatives? None of my relatives or friends are picking on me, why is my mom doing it in front of them? joking at the expense of the daughter? I feel like an ignoramus in front of them. It's kind of humiliating.

Answer
Hello Yvonne!

Well, this isn't a relationship question, but I'll tackle it anyway.

I believe your mother is trying to make you want to grasp, learn and respect your heritage. I think she's pretty misguided in how she's going about it however.

By humiliating you in front of your family (and let's face it, she knows exactly what she's doing to you) she's hoping that you'll embrace your culture and want to learn more about it. The problem is, this isn't your culture - it's theirs. Your culture is "Americana". Why not use that to express your problem here?

In other words, when she pulls this on you in front of your family, why not come back by asking her about the culture SHE lives in now? I'll bet most of the things you deal with as an American are all but unknown to your mother. That's rather humiliating too because if someone leaves one culture and moves to another, there's an expectation that she'll assimilate and become part of that new culture.

Your mother isn't doing this - I know because she's putting such an emphasis on you knowing her background as well as she does!

Yvonne, I see this all the time right here in my own town. We have lots of immigrants - and I've dated quite a few of them. I remember sitting around the table with one girl and her family. All of them are from Iran; and my ex-girlfriend was even born there.

These people felt comfortable enough with me to let their guard down and loved to spend hours complaining about American culture; and how things were so different "back home". I didn't take this trashing personally, but soon, the complaints turned to me.

My response was measured, but direct: "You're here now. Nodbody keeps you here but yourselves. You can either embrace your new culture or try to hold on to your old one which no longer exists. You must have left for some reason - shall we talk about that?"

Who can argue with that? Not even your mother!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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