Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 4/12/2007

Question
Hello,

I need an honest opinion, please tell me if I'm over-reacting or something.

I have an online profile on this thing called Facebook that many people use, I am not sure if you have heard of it but it is somewhat akin to MySpace, Friendster, etc.

I was dating a guy for a short while and we were still at the 'dating' stage. He told me that we were not ready to be boyfriend/girlfriend yet, which at the time I did not think was a big deal since we had only been dating for a month. On your online profile you can add someone as your significant other and it will say "____ is in a relationship with _____"

The entire time we were going out it said he was single and he didn't change it. So I added him on my facebook profile as my significant other. He accepted my request but told me that this doesn't change our status.

When it showed up that we were dating, on our webpages people left comments saying 'finally! you two have admitted you're dating after all this time'

I didn't think much of it becuase he began referring to me as his girlfriend pretty soon after that.

Anyway, he recently broke up with me. So I took down his name from my profile and changed my status to single. The day after he broke up with me he put another girl's name as his girlfriend on his profile. I was almost in tears thinking he had dumped me for another girl and was dating her already.

I asked him about it, and it turns out they just put they were dating as a joke. It has been up there for a while and he hasn't bothered to change it even though he logs in every day.

Still...why would you put that as a joke on your profile the day after you break up with someone. I know that joke wasn't necessarily played on me, but still...he has got to have known I would have eventually seen that. Maybe he thought I would know it's a joke...but still.

Ok here is my question...he was SO hesitant to put me up on there as his girlfriend, he didn't want to change his online status from single to a relatoinship with me...but yet he has no qualms about putting another girl's name on there as his girlfriend as a joke and keeping it up there.

This bugs me. I know it's some stupid online stuff but something is bothering me about this whole situation. It's like he's being very callous towards my feelings or something. Please tell me if I'm overreacting and just can't take a joke.

Answer
Kate, he is being callous about your feelings.  You are reading that one correctly.  He sounds like a real jerk, to me.  What you're over-reacting to is something you need to work on.  You are talking about "shoulds" here.  He shouldn't have done that ... the thing to do is process this and get over it quickly.  It is not worth an investment of emotional energy in being unduly upset about it.  That will just exhaust you, hold you back, possibly keep you stuck, and also contribute to what I refer to as dating-post-traumatic-stress-syndrome.  Avoid dwelling on things like this.  It will build up inside you, and influence future dating.

He wasn't in to you like you thought or hoped he would be.  You found out quickly, which is a good thing.  Now move on.  It's human nature - - perfectly normal - - to want sympathy for this, and/or to want the world to agree that you were wronged.  However, that's not going to get you anywhere.  When we dwell on negatives, we reinforce them in our brains, and you don't want to do that.  You don't have to fix him or his behavior, you just have to be good to yourself and enjoy your life and find nice guys who care about you.

It "bugs you" but let it go.  It's over.  Move on.  Find a guy who treats you right, and don't waste time ruminating on the ones who don't.  That's not a good habit to get into!

Get out there and do some dating!

P.S.  Don't ever be the first to add a man to your facebook profile as your significant other or anything like that.  Don't be the first to ask, either.  Make the guy do the work, the asking, and all that.  It works better.  We all learn these things the hard way, i.e., through experience.  Now you know!

Best,
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc