Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 12/20/2007

Question
QUESTION: Hi Dennis,

Two questions here.

1. Is finding the right one just all about ups and downs, and you shouldn't take rejection personally?

Like, certain men I have dated think I'm a prude, they think that I am boring in bed and not sexual enough. But then I date other men (and don't change my behavior) and they think I'm TOO much of a sexual freak! wow...so I guess all men (and women) have radically different sexual tastes. I was astonished with the range in response. What is a freak to one man is a prude to another! Wow!

So Dennis...there has got to be some middle ground here...you say I just keep meeting men until I find the one who clicks and digs me, and one I am compatible with?


2. I was engaged to this guy who left me for another woman. She is a complete freak in the bed and he is very sexual so he cheated on me and dumped me for her. and he was VERY nasty and VERY mean to me when he dumped me. really cold and heartless and it was a shock because he was always affectionate and we never really fought about anything, we would stay up all night laughing and talking and kissing almost every night and on the weekends we would just kiss and kiss and hold hands and watch movies wrapped in his arms etc. (i am not sure when he found time to cheat on me? perhaps during the day i guess)

When I told him i knew he had cheated on me, he just laughed. so I banished him from my life.

So now he has been with this other woman. they never made their relationship public, they never walked around holding hands and kissing like him and i did, they were always on the down low. Now 5 years later he is contacting me...I think he is still with her though at least for booty call...so why is he bothering to rekindle the flame now. I mean is he clueless or what?!??!

ANSWER: Hello Ana!

1) Well, you SHOULDN'T take rejection personally, but sometimes that's pretty hard to do. Yes, everyone is different and has different limits and tastes. That's why it's critically important to know exactly what YOU want in a relationship.

Being totally clear about what you want, what you don't want and especially what you're flexible on gives you much better direction in the person you choose to be with. In my first book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" I have a set of exercises about creating these "relationship goals" that talks all about how to do this.

Keep in mind that while some aspects are written in stone, others are flexible. Sex is a good example of this. You might like a certain type of sex or find that some aspects of it interest you more than others. However, you want to be open and flexible enough to be able to grow and change to fit your lover's interests as well.

Many aspects of relationships are like this, but you want to know which ones are flexible and which ones are not.

2) I don't know if he's clueless or not. I don't know him. It sounds like he doesn't have much of a chance either way.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks Dennis. Yes I am very loving and affectionate, and when I have sex it is making love to me - I am just a very affectionate person. So I fall in love fast, I'm not interested in those guys who want a quick toss in the sack, him and I have to care about each other and vice versa. Also there is no point in being used (or using someone else) for sex because at the end of the day you just feel rotten. But yeah I am really flexible to a man's needs - I'll cater to them, sure - as long as his feelings for me are genuine and he isn't just playing me.

Both men and women are 'players' nowadays and you have to be smart.

As for my ex - Dennis do you believe in the saying 'what goes around comes around'? Well he had a woman who was crazy about him and he lost it.

He cheated on me, lied to me, used me, and was nasty, mean, and laughed at me when he dumped me. And now he has the nerve to just call me up like nothing happened and wants me back after he's been fucking this other girl for five years?

I mean come on now - really - you can't treat people badly and expect them to kneel at your feet - you reap what you sow - he'll get what he's got coming. He's already lost the one woman who loved him the most. I've moved on!

Answer
Hello again Ana!

No, I don't believe in the statement "what goes around, comes around." This is just hopeful/wishful thinking that someone is going to be hurt the same way they hurt you. In fact, that doesn't happen. What usually happens instead (hopefully!) is that we learn to make better choices for ourselves with the people we bring close.

Being happy that he was hurt isn't a choice I'd make. I never want people that I've loved to hurt - even if they've hurt me. That's a very high level to aspire too, but it sure makes things easier.

Keep in mind too that nothing is ever as one-sided as you're making it out to be. Why did he cheat, lie and use you? Why was he nasty, mean and why did he laugh at you behind your back? You want to make it out as though he's just a terrible human being, but if I were to talk to him, I'd bet he would have some pretty good explanations of it all. Nothing ever happens in a vacuum, and I have to wonder what sort of partner you were for him from this story.

When relationships go wrong, you always need to look at your own culpability in them. You are always half the problem and if you don't see that, you're not learning anything new or of value.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"