Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 12/21/2006

Question
Susan, I have a question. I met this Man a few months ago, he asked me out for Dinner after work one evening. And, we hit it off good. He called me like everyday and he came to my house a couple of times. I don't know what it is about him that literally drives me crazy, I have found myself really caring for him. I'm really confused when we talked on the phone good conversation, good when we were together, and we made love one night, and I've told him how I felt and this was all before this happened. He says he does not want a relationship or commitment he wants me just as a friend, and that all he can be right now. I think I have scared him when I told him how really felt about him. Please help me figure this one out, do I waste my time on him or go on??? There is just something about him that truly feels so right. Sound crazy???

Answer
Dear Carol,

Well this is the second one today where the guy is acting ambivalent and the woman mentions the word "crazy."

I'm going to repeat the advice:
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You've hooked into something that's really addictive.  Not sure anyone understands exactly why - something about "partial reinforcement."  When training lab animals, you know, if the mouse (that's you in this case) always get a "no" they learn immediately - "Nothing here for me, I'm outa here."  

If they get a "yes" every time, they learn immediately - "This is cool, I'm sticking around."

BUT ... BUT ... BUT ... you know they train those animals to press a lever to get food.  If they get no food the first click, then a pellet the second time, they will go on and press 100 times without getting a pellet, just hoping against hope they'll get a pellet again some day.

Get the picture?

Another way to explain it -- he's what we call "abivalent."  He wants it but he doesn't - a full relationship I mean.  Or maybe he just wants sex.  At any rate, this is the kind of man that won't commmit.  And you need to understand this:  it means he won't commit to a "yes" and really get into a relationship but it also means he won't commit to a "no" and end the relationship.  Typically you will not believe me when I say this, and you'll keep at it, because of the partial reinforcement.

My advice to you is get out now, and you're going to have to do it yourself  

But you won't.  You'll continue, because this is very enticing to most women.  

So get back to me in a week or a month from now, when he's still doing the same thing, and you're "sick and tired of being sick and tired of it."  

I'll tell you to get out, and then you'll probably try once more.

Call me again when this time you really MEAN IT, that you're getting out.

Oh my.

I coach a lot of women that are still learning about this one.  They keep hoping, keep believing, keep trying.  Subsisting on crumbs that get thrown their way just enough to keep them hoping for more.  

Keep your eyes open as you go along on this one, and learn the signs of the kind of relationship that isn't just a total waste of your time, it's crazy-making.

I mean didn't you just ask me if it "sounds crazy"?
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And here's a P.S. just for you.  

(1)  One way you can avoid this is to put off sex until you are sure there's something there, that he's at least emotionally availble.  We women tend to get hooked by sex immediately, and it isn't like that at all with a guy.  As you know.  Or will soon.

(2)  When a man says something like this:  "He says he does not want a relationship or commitment he wants me just as a friend, and that all he can be right now", believe him.  What confuses women is that at the same time, jumping into the sack with you has nothing to do with what he just said.  By "friend," he means someone he can get sex from when it occurs to him.  

You did not scare him.  You can't make it right by talking about it more.  It won't improve if you get better in bed.  Time won't make a difference.  There's nothing to fix.  If you're more this or that it won't make a particle of difference.  You'll never figure it out, because you don't listen when he says he doesn't want the kind of relationship with you that you want with him.  Doesn't sound like he wants a relationship at all.  "Friend" sort of means, um, booty call?

You see where I'm going with this.  ..

Warm regards,
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc