Expert: Rhapsody Love - 7/17/2006

Question
Hi. I was dating a guy for about seven months before we broke up. For the past five months, we've been back and forth, on and off. We never officially get back together, but we go out together and it seems like nothing ever happened between us. The reason we're not together, is because he broke up with me since he wasn't sure if it was what he really wanted. Even since we broke up though, the reason we go back and forth is because i can't give up on him, and he ends up telling me that he does still love me and care about me, and that he's sorry for the way he's been acting. We finally got to a point where we're both sick of going back and forth. The problem is, i love him with all of my heart and just want to fix things. He, on the other hand, says that he wants some space to figure things out on his own, and doesn't know if it's what he wants right now. I don't know what to do. I want so badly to just give him space, but i only want the space to make him realize how much he loves me, and want me back. There isn't a single part of me that wants to let him go. We were perfect for each other. We used to talk about how perfect everything way, and how it was used to be. I've been in pleanty of relationships, and been in love before, but never this much. He's never been in a real relationship, so part of me feels like it's just a commitment issue. I really don't know what to do. I feel like i'd do anything, just as long as i was going to get him back in the end. Can you give me some advice? I don't want to lose him. I have such a strong feeling that we can fix things, even if it takes a long time. He is the one person that i want to be with for the rest of my life. He's one of my best friends, and the only person i could ever picture being with for the rest of my life. I feel like he's upset about something right now, and should get over it soon becuase that's how it's always been, but i'm scared that it's not going to change. He says he doesn't want to hurt me anymore, but it's killing me that we're "completely" done right now. I just want him back. What do i do? I guess i basically want to know how to "re-attract" him, to be like we used to be.

Answer
Hi Jess,

I do know how hard this can be. It happened to me, too; here's the story:

My husband didn't want to get married after I waited 5 yrs. for him to finish school and get settled in a job, I finally got him to admit that he felt that he didn't have a chance to date [many] other women since he was so young when we met. Of course, I thought it was silly that he should feel that way, but feelings are just that - feelings and you can't deny how someone else feels. I didn't want that to interfere in our marriage - for him to regret marrying me without experiencing other women. And after 5 yrs., it was obvious the reason was that he couldn't do it while I was around. So, painful as it was, I left him.

I told him I was going to do it and he even helped me move (to a horrible run down place, which was all I could afford, where I didn't know anyone except a sister in a rural town a bit of a drive from the city where I needed to live to work - so I was miserable in more ways than one).  I told myself I would call him no more than once per week and I stuck to it. He knew that even though we weren't a couple during that time, we were friends, so he had no problem with my contacting him (this was pre-email). I thought about his feelings, though, and what would not turn him off from me (I didn't whine or tell him how miserable I was without him), but I let him know I missed him & wanted to see him again. I asked him questions and really listened to him, so he knew I really cared. I knew, though, that it was possible it wouldn't work out and he might find another woman. Luckily, he did change his mind after 3 mos. It was the hardest 3 mos. of my life. We'll be celebrating our 29th wedding anniversary this summer.

I know your scenario is a little different. You hadn't been together as long. It looks like he already broke up with you - or did he? If you're going to try this, you need to talk to him to arrange one last sit-down face-to-face conversation. Tell him how you feel about him, apologize for how you were acting before & why (you love him & didn't want to lose him but now it looks like you might lose him forever any way), tell him that you now realize about his needs, and that you think putting more distance between the two of you could help (I don't know if that will really work in your case, though - you might just say you will give him his space and not see him or contact him regularly). See if he's OK with your just touching base with him as a friend once in a while (being specific about how often is too often) & that you won't expect to see him until he's ready. You might want to remind him why you think you two would make a good couple (I hope you have some reasons - you can check some "personality type" books about good mates, like Linda Goodman's "Love Signs" to see examples of what makes couples good for each other - if you asked him about his dreams for the future, hopefully you can tell him how you would fit into his dreams). Tell him that you know he could find someone better than you (you're not perfect - no one is) and that you care about him and want him to be happy (even though you'll be miserable, but you can't really say that - just maybe hint at it). It's hurting you already and to do this will make him feel better about coming back to you later.  

It will be hard, but find things that will help make you a better person so that you will be a better person to him when/if you do get back together. Be prepared for what you might do if it doesn't work out, though - you can find someone else - it's his loss if he chooses not to be with you - you know you have a lot of good qualities and will make a good partner for someone who is really right for you.

I hope this helps.

Good luck!

- Joyce